Did you hear about the 2 TV antennaethat got married?

The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was excellent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CasperWithAJ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend

Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jezzter88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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It’s a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought a TV that said β€œBuilt in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is!

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JennyBagaDonuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Oral-B

Oral-B

Was sitting with my SO watching tv and an Oral-B commercial comes onto the screen. The commercial plays saying all the great things about their toothbrush, how effective it is against plaque buildup and that 9/10 dentist recommend it etc. after listening for a minute I look over at my SO and say β€œwell it better be good, ORAL-B disappointed!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maddryad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My girlfriend says I'm ready to be a Dad

I was watching TV with my hispanic girlfriend and on the show we were watching a guy gave a girl a danish (little pastry with fruit). My girlfriend said that while it looked pretty tasty and good, she's not much of a Danish person and I said, "Well, probably because you're hispanic.."

I immediately texted my dad the joke as well.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gerbil2013
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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So many items are no longer made in America...

I just bought a new tv and the box said β€œbuilt in antenna”... I don’t even know where that is!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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When is a door, not a door?

When it is ajar.

(not mine sadly, from Father, Raised by Wolves tv show)

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Butterfly506
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My mom told me not to watch anything on the tv

So I watched next to the tv

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobanab
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Domestic Skills

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Why did the Coronavirus doctors get fired?

For MaskDebating on live TV

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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How do they milk oats?

So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.

I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"

My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"

I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lostehmost
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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ALWAYS read the label!

Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ph00p
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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If you're LG+ you're not gay

You're a TV :)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simwalkedaway
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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And then the fight started…

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Pun Request!!!

Hey all! I'm writing a play for my third grade class all about healthy habits and it's full of TV parodies. One show is Game of Thrones. For example, one character is Jon Snowpea. Can you guys help me come up with some food or exercise puns for the full title of Danaerys: Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name,Β The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms,Β Breaker of ChainsΒ andΒ Mother of Dragons”. Thanks!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllieBallie22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The most thought provoking dad joke with the best ending

Please note this contains sweari g but has the longest and best build up to a dad joke

Enjoy https://www.twitch.tv/videos/539694198

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rwaggy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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If Walter White were a good person...

the TV series would be called Baking Bread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/celsotavora
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Roses are green, Violets are green, Everything's green

I think my TV is broken

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourMumsAVirgin69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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One upon a time there was a green man, he always wore green clothes drove a green car and lived in a green house...

One day he sat on his green couch and turned on his green TV to watch a green western. And it was a great green western too.

When the green western was over, the green man turned the green TV off and decided to go for a nice relaxing green bath.

He left the green lounge, turned off the green lights and travelled along the green hall, up the green stairs and to the green bathroom.

In the green bathroom he turned on the green light and turned the green tap to make the green water fill up the green bath tub.

The green man got changed from his green clothes and was left in the green. He dipped his green toe in to the green water to check the temperature, then he slowly lowered his whole green self in to the green bath.

No sooner had his green bottom touched the base of the green tub then the green doorbell went. He heaved his green body out of the green tub and quickly wrapped a green towel around his green waist.

He went down the green stairs to the green door and opened it. Standing there in front of his green house was an elderly lady, she asked the directions to local train station. The green man forgot about the green towel situation and with the green hand that was on the green towel pointed in the direction of the trains.

In doing so he dropped his green towel to his green ankles, revealing his green privates. The elderly lady shrieked turned and ran across the road, where she was struck by a passing car.

And kids what's the moral of the story? . . . . . Don't cross the road while the green man's flashing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmalaki
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm a shell of a man

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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A couple of puns I made up for my dad

Me: Why is Eurovision going to look so good on TV this year?

Dad: Why?

Me: Because it’s 2020


Me: Plumbing is like the digestive system of a house, and turning on the taps is like it going pee.

Dad: Okay?

Me: Let that sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Am-the-Cold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Why did the orchestra loose its tv contract?

Too much violins on tv.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slvrdiver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to pick a bigger New year's resolution than "watch more sports on TV".

Unfortunately, our TV only does 1080p 60fps.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Name_O
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Just got my daughter

My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching.

Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout.

"Daddy, the film is frozen."

I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana."

I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/makka-pakka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you do on a remote island?

Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad Sits on top of an old TV

Me: what are you doing dad?

Dad: LOOK SON! IM ON TV!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Youshould_know
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Knock knock

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub dad I’m drowning!

(May have heard it on a Tv Show just now but it belongs here!)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xCurb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
So HBO is making a new show about Chernobyl...

Seems like a sensitive topic to make a tv show out of. Think they'll address the elephant's foot in the room?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruchalus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My son called excitedly from the other room, shouting, "Look dad! A fricken' ground hornbill escaped from the zoo!" Not certain about what I heard and a little upset, I asked, "What did you say!?"

He repeated, "A fricken' ground hornbill...!"

Really upset now, I stopped him mid-sentence and asked, "Who taught you how to talk like that!?"

He pointed to the TV, "It says it right there!"

I looked at the screen and read, "Two African ground hornbills escaped from their enclosure at the Honolulu Zoo in Waikiki Sunday."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought my TV broke...

I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze.

It’s okay though, it was just on paws.

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hufc1908
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Last night me and my wife watched three movies back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yazinak
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I watched 2 movies back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gcd_cbs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edotri
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night your mom and I watched three movies back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustMy2Coppers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing is made in the US anymore.

I just went TV shopping, and they all said "Built in Antenna."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Forsaken_Anxiety
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you do on a remote island?

Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a shame nothing is made in Australia anymore.....

I just bought a TV and it says "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Nothing is made in the USA anymore!

I bought a TV yesterday that said β€œbuilt in antenna”. I don’t even know where that is!

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nohax_justmax
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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