A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2022
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A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.

Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.

β€œWell, it’s a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York Strip dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.”

The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying

β€œAh, no thanks. The steaks are too high.”

β€”β€”β€” Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dearghewls
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2022
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A duck walks into a bar..

and asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck leaves and returns the following day, waddling into the bar to hop up on a stool and yet again ask the bartender, β€œdo you have any grapes?” Bartender curtly replies, β€œno.”

The duck returns the following day, struts on in, jumps up on his stool and loudly asks the bartender once more, β€œdo you have any grapes?” The bartender now over their limit says, β€œno! I don’t have any grapes! And if you ask me that again I’m going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!” Duck jumps off his stool and leaves.

The following day the bartender is fuming to see this duck come flip flopping through the door yet again, jump up on a stool and stare at them. The duck clears his throat and politely asks, β€œexcuse me sir, but do you have any nails?” The bartender says, β€œno.”

β€œWell then” stated the duck, β€œdo you have any grapes?”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2022
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A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.

He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big bloody deal, I'm four".

πŸ‘︎ 845
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2022
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An unintentional dad joke from my 5 yr old son…

Yesterday, my son found a set of Hotel Transylvania stuffed toys at a children’s consignment event. He squealed and was jumping up and down, he was so excited. But then all of a sudden he got a dejected look on his face. β€œOne is missing,” he said. I asked what he meant. β€œI don’t see the invisible man.”

Even after we discussed it, he kept insisting they could have at least included the glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firesculpting
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2022
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Did you know that some kangaroos can jump higher than most mountains?

Because mountains can’t jump

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2022
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A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of steaks hanging from the ceiling, he asks the bartender "what's going on?"

The bartender says: "If you can jump up, grab a piece of meat and pull it down it's yours, if not, you have to buy everyone a drink" The man replies: "No thanks, the steaks are too high"

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunrunner140
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2022
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A Twos-Day Special

A Two was walking down the street, minding his own business, as another Two sneakily followed him. The Sneaky Two jumped on the other Two’s back who shrieked: β€œahhh, you squared me”.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azalenko36
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2022
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There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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I was the first person to install trampolines on musician's tour buses.

Now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1001km
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2022
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Thanks from a Nurse

Covid is spiking in my area again worse than ever and everyone is so burned out and frustrated.

Everyday, I jump on this sub, find a joke and put it in our unit instant messenger for a pick-me-up that makes everyone smile.

No joke, just a thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2021
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I can jump higher than that building

jumps the building can't jump

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAmongUs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2022
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My teacher asked me to make a sentence using the words; defence, defeat and detail, i said....

When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first then detail...

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
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Two vietnamese brothers asked me to invest in their business

I jumped at the opportunity. It seemed like a Nguyen/Nguyen situation

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
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Did you know that the average antelope can jump higher than a 2 story house?

This is due in large part to the strong, powerful hind muscles of the antelope and the fact that houses can't jump.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robdingo36
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2022
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I'm rehoming a small, mixed breed dog. It's territorial, very energetic, and it likes to bark a LOT. Let me know if you're interested, and...

I'll jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2021
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So there are these two rich old men who are neighbors

At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.

Then one day the first neighbor says "Let'ssettle thus ince and for all!"

So the two men begin to divise a test to determine which dolphin is the smartest. They spare no expense. There are obstacle courses, memory tests, decoding puzzles, hoops to jump through; the whole nine yards.

As the day of the test comes closer, the first neighbor statys to get nervous. He thinks to himself "what if my dolphin loses...I would be humiliated." So he decides to drug his neighbor's dolphin.

The day of the test arrives and of course the first neighbor wins with flying colors. He gloats his victory for months...but after a while he begins to feel guilty...

So he tells his neighbor "Hey neighbor, I have to come clean. I cheated in the dolphin test. I drugged your dolphin. We don't really know who's dolphin is the smartest."

His neighbor looks at him and says, "You know, that really defeated the porpoise."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyrate914
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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A friend of mine didnt have any legs, arms or a body...

His parents used to put him on the window sill where he could watch the other children playing.

Then one day his fairly god mother appeared and grant him 3 wishes.

For his first wish, he wished for a body and pow, it appeared.

Second, he wished for arms and pow, they appeared

So third, he wished for some legs and pow, they appeared.

Thats absolutely fantastic he said and without any hesitation he jumped off his window sill and ran outside to play with all the other children....and bang, he was hit by a truck.

Moral of the story is he should have quite while he was a head!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlGunner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2021
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My wife heard me making a loud noise in the bathroom and came in to check on me.

She said, β€œWhat are you doing in here that is making the house shake?”

Surprised, I said, β€œI told you I was going to jump in the shower!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skiftonoid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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My dad was SO proud of this one

Jesus, Moses and an old man go to play golf.

Moses goes first, hits the ball and it goes into the lake. He parts the lake, walks up to the ball, hits it again and it goes into the hole.

Jesus goes next, hits the ball and it goes into the lake. He walks up to the lake, walks on the water, up to the ball, hits it again and it goes into the hole.

The old man goes next, hits the ball and just before it goes into the water, a fish jumps up and swallows the ball. Just before the fish goes back into the water, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish, and starts flying off with it. Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt hits the eagle, the eagle drops the fish, the fish spits out the ball and it goes into the hole. Hole in one.

Jesus turns around with his hands on his hips and grumbles "if you're just going to show off, I'm not playing with you again, dad!"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Autographtree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2021
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Bath bombs bombs

I’ve just been roasted by my 10yo son.

I’ve just said why don’t we get one of those bath bombs to go with mum’s Christmas presents.

He replied:

You’re a bath bomb dad,.. when you jump in all the water explodes out.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jglittle12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2021
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I went to buy some paddles for a rowboat and found them advertised at a whopping 80% off.

When I got there, there were a lot of people waiting. Some tried to line jump causing fights. I stuck with it, but it was quite the oar deal.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2021
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While I was at the bank, an armed man in a ski mask came in and said…

β€œ1, 2, 3, 4. Everybody on the floor”

I immediately jumped in the air.

He said: β€œWhat are you doing?”

I said: β€œI gotta gotta get up to get down.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmazingCaffiney
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
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My daughter (6) has some game…

Me: Stop jumping on the couch!

Daughter: I’m not jumping on the couch, I’m jumping on my feet!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/helldeskmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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I can leap bounds higher than any building.

Everyone knows buildings cant jump

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashenanywhere
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2021
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True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling β€œI stepped on a Bee!”

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Two scientists are sitting by the river, researching to solve a difficult problem

They go through countless papers to no avail, until finally one of them finds one that holds the information they seek.

"I think this one might contain the answers we need!" the first scientist says

He reads the abstract, it's on point

He goes through the main body of the text, and finds it extraordinarily enlightening

But before he gets to the end, a gust of wind blows the last few pages over the river.

"Oh no, I really wanted to read their summary" he says.

The other scientist goes: "The river is broad, surely I can hop over it"

"I think that's a bad idea" the first scientist says

"Why?" asks the second scientist

"Well, we were always taught that we should not jump to conclusions"

Edit: changed a word

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niko7965
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2021
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Can we do an all-time favorite riddle thread?

My 11-year old's current favorite:
What's brown and green, has six legs, weighs 800 lb and would kill you if it jumped on you out of a tree?

.

.

.

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bulleitprooftiger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2021
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Did you know that cats can jump higher than a house, it’s bc their legs are really powerful..

and also that houses can’t jump

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chevyfan06
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A few to get your Monday going...

Puns for Educated Minds ...

  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

  1. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  2. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

  3. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  4. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  5. A backward poet writes inverse.

18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

  1. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  2. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  3. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

  1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  2. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RetroGeekOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2021
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A cell phone goes off in a crowded bar...

Pavlov jumps up and leaves, explaining "The dog wants to be fed."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbo-R
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Not mine, I'll explain the sauce in the comments

A man runs into a bar breathing heavily and looking distraught. The bartender asks what's wrong, but the man only replies, "I need 12 shots of your finest liquor, now!" The bartender, though confused, gives him the 12 shots and the man quickly gulps them down one after another, still looking anxious and sweating bullets. Halfway through the bartender asks again what's wrong, but the man just keeps drinking. Once the man is finished, he slams down the last shotglass and mutters under his breath, "If you had what I did, you'd be drinking with fervor too." The bartender, very confused asks what the man has? The man jumps up, yells, "52 cents!" and runs out the door.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entias
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I was accused of cheating during the last 5k race I was in! They said I took a shortcut by leaping a fence directly to the finish line…

But they’re always jumping to conclusions!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostFace1014
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2021
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Long dad joke

I was visiting Germany and a local jumped into the freezing water to save my dog, he came out soaked and handed me the dog telling me β€œmake sure to dry it ze dog, and keep it warm” I asked him β€œare you a vet” and he responded with

β€œVet? I’m fucking soaking”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ittor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2021
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TIL some antelope can jump higher than the average house.

This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

πŸ‘︎ 916
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corvette-Ronnie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2021
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Why can a frog jump higher than a house?

Because a house can’t jump

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryajshbd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that a whitetail deer is capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Senor-Sarcasm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2021
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Why are frogs bad detectives ?

Because they always jump to conclusions

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaCk_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2021
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house cannot jump.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2021
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