I tried skipping rope. But I ended up being tied up.

That was knot my intention.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOrderDis
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?

Kurt and Rod

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenthegreen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?

They went into ogre time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/motobuddha
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.

It was a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Dogs shouldn't be tied up. imgur.com/zuvkyid
πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikel5047
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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What do you call a woman tied up to a jetty? ...

Maud

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Someone accidentally made a pun, but it got someone's attention and they ended up getting tied up together...

It was a pun knot intended.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kielchaos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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Robin Hood was finally captured and tied up.

The sheriff of Knottingham was the one who got him.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Did you hear about that guy who took t-shirts and twisted them up and tied them with rubber bands, then dipped them into buckets filled with different colored liquids?

He dyed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crapstossaway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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I keep my kid tied up in the backyard...

Baby goats make way too much of a mess to keep them in the house

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Did you know sheep can tie up trees?

But I wood knot do that if I were ewe.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transviolets
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My clothes were having a competition to decide which one is the coolest

It ended up being a tie

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlarioKath
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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My Granddaughter...( I asked her how she knew what a bar was..." dad told me"....

My Granddaughters Joke... I told her I'd/ we'd make her famous . so I'll show her after.. I posted it She's 6😁

A piece of string walks into a bar bartender says" sorry we don't serve your kind here", so he walked out and he rubbed himself up in the street, rolled around in the dirt; tied himself up came back in and... the bartender said" Hey aren't you that same piece of string who came in here earlier"? He replied:" nope I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShEnAnIgAnSs4U
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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I have a great business idea but i need someone to help me. I go to the toilet and you tie up bits of string.

I shit you knot

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExistentialYurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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A monastery decided to liven up their old clothes by tie-dying them, but the fabric became stiff and uncomfortable. When the Abbott asked a sister to explain, she gave a simple reply:

"Old habits dye hard".

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqtshesays
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked β€œreally?”. To which he replied:

β€œI shit, you knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irorii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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A rope walks into a bar...

The bartender says to him, β€œWe don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”

So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.

Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. β€œWhat did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”

And the rope replies, β€œA rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiFiGuy197
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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How do you tie up an alien?

With an astroknot!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bjlind718
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I caught my wife with another man

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about loveβ€”

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most movingβ€”at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came inβ€”

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the netβ€”and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed herβ€”

shut.

For days I watched her bangβ€”

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a sirenβ€”but this thing is nothing

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/normancrane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I decided to tie up all the spaghetti together when I was drunk last night.

I ended up skipping dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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How do you tie up a Martian?

With an astro-knot

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justakansan
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle just below the knot.

 

 

Then ask someone, "which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?"

 

After they guess, let in unravel and go, "Its a tie!"

 

...continue doing this to every single person you can in the room wearing a shit eating grin the whole time, until your wife pulls you aside and tells you it's time to leave (out of embarrassment and frustration).

 

now you get to go back home and do Dad stuff as you please!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakjaklivs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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The village under the sea

Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying β€œWhen real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be saved”.

One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says β€œNo, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.”. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.

After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. β€œNo,” Ted said again β€œthis danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.”. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.

Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. β€œAgain, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,” said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said β€œDo not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skilopsaros
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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Everyone should try tying their partner up at some point in the relationship.

It's a great bonding experience!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InDaRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
2 silk worms had a race....

.....they ended up in a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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The Lone Ranger

and Tonto had been riding hard for hours when they can to a town. The Lone Ranger and Tonto ties up their horses to the hitching post. He told Tonto β€œthe horses are hot, run around them in a circle until they cool down.” He went into the bar and ordered a drink. A stranger walked up and said β€œYou’re the Lone Ranger, right?” He said yea and the stranger said β€œyou left your injun running”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thenewfoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it

It’s a running joke.

πŸ‘︎ 406
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggs_bacon_toast
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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A length of rope walks into a bar and orders two shots...

the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, β€œ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, β€œ No, I’m a frayed knot”.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 686
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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What do you call someone obsessed with tying up loose ends?

A tight supremacist

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/renobsnob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
🚨︎ report
My boss asked me: Why you don't have a tie?

I said: Why knot

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyyppi_00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Two pieces of string slither into a bar...

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked by daughter

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notactjack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
An old cowboy and his horse

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon and ties it outside. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey.

Minutes later he hears someone ride off with his horse. He runs outside, and sure enough, his horse is gone.

He goes back in the saloon, fires his gun three times in the air, and says "At the count of ten my horse better be back here. I don't want to do what I had to do in Laredo."

A few minutes later, he sees through the door his horse being returned.

Just before he leaves the saloon, the bartender whispers to him "so what did you have to do in Laredo?"

The cowboy says "I had to walk home".

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!

Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalseBlood8746
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goodboyBill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
🚨︎ report
I roll up my tie

Then then underside...

I let them go...

It a TIE!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quackers2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
🚨︎ report
2 silk worms had a race...

....they ended up in a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Two silk worms had a race

They ended up in a tie!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZdogDaBoss623
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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