What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?

Kurt and Rod

πŸ‘︎ 146
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greenthegreen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.

It was a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Dogs shouldn't be tied up. imgur.com/zuvkyid
πŸ‘︎ 264
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mikel5047
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman tied up to a jetty? ...

Maud

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is

a hairball

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/404wav
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone accidentally made a pun, but it got someone's attention and they ended up getting tied up together...

It was a pun knot intended.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kielchaos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Robin Hood was finally captured and tied up.

The sheriff of Knottingham was the one who got him.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about that guy who took t-shirts and twisted them up and tied them with rubber bands, then dipped them into buckets filled with different colored liquids?

He dyed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crapstossaway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I keep my kid tied up in the backyard...

Baby goats make way too much of a mess to keep them in the house

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know sheep can tie up trees?

But I wood knot do that if I were ewe.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/transviolets
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to Nordstrom’s to pick up a new tie for my sisters wedding. I was shocked to find that they only had two left.

Both were very nice but I couldn’t decide which I liked more.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dogsarmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a great business idea but i need someone to help me. I go to the toilet and you tie up bits of string.

I shit you knot

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExistentialYurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A monastery decided to liven up their old clothes by tie-dying them, but the fabric became stiff and uncomfortable. When the Abbott asked a sister to explain, she gave a simple reply:

"Old habits dye hard".

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tqtshesays
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked β€œreally?”. To which he replied:

β€œI shit, you knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irorii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you tie up an alien?

With an astroknot!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bjlind718
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I decided to tie up all the spaghetti together when I was drunk last night.

I ended up skipping dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle just below the knot.

 

 

Then ask someone, "which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?"

 

After they guess, let in unravel and go, "Its a tie!"

 

...continue doing this to every single person you can in the room wearing a shit eating grin the whole time, until your wife pulls you aside and tells you it's time to leave (out of embarrassment and frustration).

 

now you get to go back home and do Dad stuff as you please!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakjaklivs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Two silk worms had a race

They ended up in a tie!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZdogDaBoss623
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you tie up a Martian?

With an astro-knot

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justakansan
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Everyone should try tying their partner up at some point in the relationship.

It's a great bonding experience!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InDaRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 688
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Two pieces of string slither into a bar...

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it

It’s a running joke.

πŸ‘︎ 405
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eggs_bacon_toast
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible

So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J

J: You u should tie up your shoes

Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays

J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)

Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)

Conversation deviates

Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard

J: nah

Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZmentAdverti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked by daughter

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notactjack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone obsessed with tying up loose ends?

A tight supremacist

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/renobsnob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
🚨︎ report
An old cowboy and his horse

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon and ties it outside. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey.

Minutes later he hears someone ride off with his horse. He runs outside, and sure enough, his horse is gone.

He goes back in the saloon, fires his gun three times in the air, and says "At the count of ten my horse better be back here. I don't want to do what I had to do in Laredo."

A few minutes later, he sees through the door his horse being returned.

Just before he leaves the saloon, the bartender whispers to him "so what did you have to do in Laredo?"

The cowboy says "I had to walk home".

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss asked me: Why you don't have a tie?

I said: Why knot

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyyppi_00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MadeToDisagree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œDad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”

β€œHm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.”

β€œOkay, dad. What is it?”

β€œYou should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.”

β€œWhy would I post that, dad?”

β€œBecause then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PawneeCityCouncil
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A piece of string walks into a bar.

Before he sits down the bartender yells β€œHey! We don’t serve pieces of string like you!”

The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit. Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down.

The bartender says β€œAren’t you that piece of string?” The string replies β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you quiet an italian?

Tie up their hands.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why Couldn't the Rope Answer the Phone?

Because it was all tied up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Konkest_Dong
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Never date a bondage porn star.

They're always tied up in their work

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketshoe21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!

Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FalseBlood8746
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goodboyBill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
🚨︎ report
I roll up my tie

Then then underside...

I let them go...

It a TIE!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quackers2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Two silkworms started a race

They ended up in a tie

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Three strings walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here!"

They go outside and one of the strings messes up his hair and ties himself up. He walks back inside and the bartender says, "Aren't you one of those strings I just got rid of?"

The string says, "I'm a frayed knot!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sup_mike
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A string walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Hey! You're too young to be in here! Get lost!"

The string goes outside, and to disguise himself, ties himself in a loop and messes up his hair and walks back in.

The bartender sees him and yells "Hey! Aren't you the string I just threw out of here!?"

"I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race?

They ended up in a tie

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.