Uncle Grandpa Puns

My dad married my mom, my uncle married my aunt, and my grandpa married my grandma, etc.

My grandpa would always tell me this story about his uncles in WWII. "My uncle was actually captured by the Germans and kept in a pow camp. They would try to break the prisoners spirit by making them to mindless things. One in particular they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.' My uncle was always a wise guy so he would rebel in the simplest way. He would only go, 'tick tick tick.' One day the guard finally caught him and said, 'don't vorry. Ve have vays of making you tock.'"

I spent most of my life thinking my uncle was named "Ash" (totally not Ash, but it works for explaining this). Turns out "Ash" was a nickname to describe his hair. His real name was French (totally his actual name, and more common that you'd think). This was because my grandpa liked hearing my uncle say "my name is French," and see the look of confusion of people's faces. My Grandpa was a troll. Rest in peace, you crazy old man.

I'll start with mine.

1. If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.

2. If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)

3. My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.

4. My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...

5. One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.

Back in April, me and the young men &a women of my family helped move my grandparents out their house, a house they had lived in for almost 45 years, into a small, 1-bedroom add-on to my uncles land.

Now, my grandpa had been a Baptist pastor for 47 years (now retired) and he was always quick on wit.

Well, as we were moving out the garage. My brother noticed something glued to the ground by some kind of resin. A piece of paper, looked almost 30 years old. We found out it was a sermon that my grandpa had preached way, way back in the day. And someone had spilled some kind of oil and that had gotten stuck to it and preserved it over the years. We brought my very frail grandpa out into the garage and told him what it was. He stared at it for about 5 seconds and said "Well, I guess that's one of my sermons that stuck!"

I never actually heard my grandpa say this, but my dad and uncles all claim that he said it. My grandpa was at some gathering where there where some people he had never met. When he got back home, grandma asked him how it was. He stated that it was good. She asked how someone's girl was, and if she was good looking.

Grandpa replied "I don't know. She left her coat on."

To this day we still use this saying.

Well, there's Charles Dan, Jan Dan, and the whole Dan family!

Uncle just got me with this one. My grandpa says that they're a real family and they live where my grandparents used to live. I had a good laugh. Figured y'all would like this one!

trailer for ant man comes on

Grandma: Ant man? Now i've seen it all

Me: It looks good though

Grandpa: Aunt man? What about Uncle girl?

I was celebrating my birthday with family when this exchange occurred between my grandpa and aunt.

My Aunt: "Sorry your uncle couldn't make it to the party. He has a little league game tonight."

Grandpa: "Isn't he a bit old for little league? Hehehe!"

Background: We are at my great aunts house when my uncle comes in with his dog Stretch. We then return home after dinner. Me: Grandpa stretch kinda reminded me of your old dog. Grandpa: That's a stretch.