The Hard Truth about the Trauma Bond
^^^ This is an eye-opener. The narcissist retraumatizes us through our unresolved childhood trauma.
We have a childhood trauma, and this left us with tons of shame. This is why we become co-dependents.
[FANTASY. What we want] During the Love-Bombing stage, the narcissist becomes the perfect parental role figure in your life: attentive, validating, understanding, unconditional love, good listeners, caring, etc.
[PARENTAL UNIT FROM THE PAST] During conditioning, the narcissist becomes the parental unit from the past: selfish, immature, withholding love/affection/attention, rejecting, insecure.
And the pendulum swings from the Fantasy Parent <==> Parental Unit from the past (Back and Forth... Back and Forth). This is how Trauma Bond is created.
How can we abandon our "perfect" parent? We want her/him so badly.
What seems to be the solution to this dilemma/trauma? .... perhaps becoming aware of this and working on our childhood trauma.
Every time I try to Google it, I just get “signs you’re in a trauma bond”. Can anyone give a list of signs that you’ve broken the trauma bond with a narcissist?
I recently got back with my nex because she'd been working on herself and promised change. However, immediately after getting back with her, I found myself consumed by paranoia and hyper vigilance.
I was extremely paranoid that she was going to abuse me again. Constantly on the lookout for signs of narcissism and even psychopathy! Inevitably, this ruined our relationship after a mere two weeks of being back together.
Can anyone relate?
Feel like I want to go back because of how overwhelming the withdrawal is. Don’t think the narc wants me back either way, but I feel like I am drowning. Anyone else? Any advice?
Hi ladies, I posted on here a few weeks ago about my husband filing for divorce and the context surrounding it. In short, after marriage, he changed his mind and decided he needed a baby to be happy (read: a male baby); I got into therapy, read pregnancy books and journaled to work on changing my previous childfree-leaning. In that time of deliberation, while I was trying to give him what he wanted, he grew more and more resentful, leaving me over holidays, threatening divorce a number of times, stonewalling, etc. It made it very hard to see our marriage as stable.
In addition to Reddit feedback, my psychologists, friends, and family have told me that he is mentally ill and that my marriage was emotionally and psychologically abusive. In fact, his childhood friend reached out to me and told me that a baby would certainly not fix him and that he was very, very sick; that I needed to move forward and not look back.
This is still a lot to process, and though I am starting to see how toxic the relationship was (see link above), I still dream about him every night--mostly me beseeching him to take me back, which, I think, is particularly telling. Because I loved him like family, I just can't imagine discarding another human; I feel like I've been excised from his life.
The great irony is that I realized that I think I would like a baby...
A few coping mechanisms I'm trying:
- Renaming him in my contacts to "Man I Met on the Internet" because his name is still very triggering.
- Muting him on all social media
- Not speaking to him; only communication is via text/email.
- Recording a voice memo in which I attempt to ungaslit myself. In one of his messages he told me that I had invented a hypothetical past about how rocky our marriage was. He has completed effaced the events and conversations that ultimately led to me doubting that having a child with him was a good idea. I know that sending it to him will have no effect and result in nothing, but I'm wondering if it might be cathartic. Should I send it?
Appreciate any advice. This is hard. I just want to feel anger.
I’ve been avoiding my narcissistic ex and trying to ignore the fact that he’s back with his ex (who he told me he never wanted to be back with…) but there are days where I struggle so much. Today is one of them. Part of me hates him for the amount of crap he put me through over the past 3 years, and how he discarded me so easily yet continued hoovering. But the other part of me misses him. I want him to come back and I want to get back to our routine and activities we were doing together. I feel awful thinking that way because it’s like a terrible addiction. I know I deserve so much better. I know I’m an amazing woman who is successful and loved. Yet here I am begging for attention from someone who is incapable of loving. I just want him to call me, yet I also want him to leave me alone. The trauma bond is way too real and I am starting to hate myself for it. I feel trapped and it’s like no one understands me except the people here. It’s so lonely.
Found this today. Very useful apologies if its a repost...
Post inspired by https://redd.it/s6oe1k
Is there a general term that applies whether it is a widespread trauma (civil war) or local (hostages)?
Every time it feels like I’m starting to feel better and not miss him I end up thinking about him and missing him all over again. I know I still care about him but I’m trying my hardest to not break no contact. It’s just so hard. I wish we could go back to how we were at the start of our relationship. But I know it’ll never be like that again. I know it’ll take a while to break out of the trauma bond and I’m trying my hardest to do that but I was wondering how long it’s taken others to break theirs.
Why oh why does the trauma bond keep trying to pull you back to the narc ex?
I have left him for the 4th time - I have thrown so much attitude at him tonight that I am happy I have released that & I know he is a pathetic loser but why does the trauma bond say but what if he does this & what if he changes?
He will not change - why do they condition you to think back to the lovebombing stage? It is when he says but I loved you & the cats that I think did he really? Maybe he did.
I need to move on. I need to get my stuff back & that will be that.
It’s been about 4.5 months since I [23M] broke up with my ex [21F] of 4 years. We had a very up-and-down relationship, to say the least. When we were good, things were absolutely amazing and she was the woman of my dreams. Fundamentally we were compatible in many ways (humor, intelligence, quality time, life plans, our quirks and mannerisms, etc). We really felt like a unit and were always on the same wavelength. We were each one of the few people we could be 100% comfortable around. But there were a handful of instances of her being unfaithful that gave me so many fears and insecurities. It turned me into a person I wasn’t happy with. Coupled with other issues and feeling like she wasn’t reciprocating my efforts, I rashly ended things in the middle of a little argument.
I regret not breaking up in a more mature way, but I know it wasn't a mistake; I know logically she treated me poorly and that I’m just trauma bonded to her. I’ve been making progress and healing (therapy, working out, getting into great shape, getting a great job, moving out, making new friends), but I’m still having a hard time letting go and moving on. I’m having a hard time with my heart catching up to my brain, and accepting the fact she isn’t the person I thought or wished she was. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally very forgiving (when it comes to her), despite it only hurting me. But I’m starting to realize it’s not that I was forgiving, it’s that I had no self respect.
I recently graduated college and my new apartment is coincidentally right down the road from her house and it’s been putting her on my mind a lot.
I've gone out and met people, but I’m not ready to date and I just end up comparing everyone to her in my mind. So I’ve stopped going on dates until I’ve fully healed and am happy being single, but I’m worried it's going to take a really long time. I sometimes worry I won’t find anyone who makes me feel like she did when things were good. We were together for ~20% of our lives.
I’m still not going to reach out though. She hates me and given the last things she did/said, I’ll never be the first to reach out. I don’t need advice on not reaching out, but on moving past her.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you for reading.
TL;DR: My ex mistreated me badly. I won’t reach out, but I’m having a hard time breaking the trauma bond.
Trying to end a relationship with a narc is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Anyone else physically feel the effects? Body shaking, hard to eat, thinking… what just happened? How did I let myself be manipulated?
I always thought I was a smart girl. I feel played and disgusted with what I put up with. Actions speak louder than words, and yet I refused to listen to those loud, terrible actions. Each red flag felt like a pain in my chest, but I continued to fall into the trap.
Even though I see every aspect of my life go up in flames, the trauma bond still says, “Are you sure you aren’t just crazy? You know you miss him.”
If you read this and feel like I do, know that I see you… you’re valid, loved, and strong. Not crazy at all. 💜
Broke up in October - he never left me alone. Slowly but surely got his way back into my life. Was being so charming and kind. Going out of his way to make me happy. I start giving him more attention and he immediately shuts me down. Ignores me for hours and entire nights sometimes. Never has time to hangout now. Being sucked back in and discarded a million times and I still don’t learn my lesson. Feeling like I’m crazy because I know the pattern, but still let it trap me.
Looking for a genuine connection, wherever it may lead. Ideally we chat a bit over text/voice to gauge comfort, vibe, exchange pictures, and meet up relatively soon. I'd like to get to know each other mainly in person, as i've grown a bit weary of virtual interactions.
A bit more about me:
Triple-vaxxed. A bit socially awkward/anxious and quiet, but trying to improve. Working in tech, cat owner, childfree, and struggling with connections, it's the redditor starter kit (i guess i'm missing gaming..). Mostly have my life together; i own my place, live alone, have a car, and in a stable career. I am pale in complexion, have dark brown hair, medium brown eyes, and a short length beard.
Trying to find the new normal after traumatic personal events of the last 3 years. Grief's a bitch, but it's no match for self destructive behaviour amirite (i kid i'm past that..mostly). I enjoy staying active, and very involved with a martial art (when covid allows). In the summer i usually run (mostly 5k-10k) , plus some hill sprints, trying to ease into a bit of winter running with the most recent lockdowns. I like movies (big on horror, but i like almost all genres) and documentaries, don't watch too many shows outside of the office reruns. For sports, I like NBA, mma, tennis and cricket. I also like to drink on occasion, and go out to bars/restaurants when covid allows. Currently going through existential crisis, and might be interesting to have those type of discussions with someone, but it's cool if it's not your thing. I don't play any video games at this point in my life, and have very little desire to ever start again.
You:
Open, responsive, curious and kind. I'm not too picky about your situation, or interests. Though please be older than 21, vaccinated, single, and childfree. It would be best if you are open to different interests, hobbies, experiences, and if you're communicative. I really appreciate bluntness. I'd be up to debate and discuss most beliefs and topics respectfully, however please don't message if you're any of the following: anti-vaxx, anti-mask, covid hoax, trumper, don't support BLM etc.
Shoot me a chat/message with a bit about yourself, and we can go from there. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.
I went NC with a man I strongly suspected was a Narc back in October. We had an intense online pen pal sort of relationship, bonding over our shared world views around the pandemic and politics. He is married and long distance and the friendship started off completely innocent. We were introduced by a mutual friend. Eventually though we were talking a LOT and there was a frequency and intensity to the communication that IMO went beyond just friends. I don't communicate with my friends with that kind of intensity. He was always making himself available to me and my messages were always given top priority. I certainly wouldn't want MY husband talking that much with a strange woman online. There were times when he would flirt and encourage things, but there was a double standard where only he was allowed to initiate the flirting, when he felt like it. If I did it, it was a problem.
At some point though he worked his Narc black magic on me and I ended up getting really emotionally involved. I finally went NC last October and walked away really hurt. We only met in person one time. The one time I did meet him confirmed for me that he is a Narc bc I was practically wiping the drool off my face I was so attracted to him. Narcs are unfortunately my type bc of Nparents. He had always given me butterflies but when I met him face to face that feeling was much more intense.
I've been doing okay since I went NC and haven't had any pull to contact him. I feel like I got out in time before he could really do some damage. I blocked him on everything and just tried to move on. The mutual friend who introduced us I've had to cut off too not bc of anything he did but bc he reminds me too much of the Narc. I know that talking to this friend would be too painful so I just don't go there.
Out of the blue it seems like I've gotten hit with the trauma bond rearing its head. Wtf. There's nothing that has triggered it, like snooping on social media. I have kept very strict NC. Now for no apparent reason I'm fantasizing about the Narc, wishing I could talk to him again, and feeling all the feelings. I'm not at the point where I'm in real danger of breaking NC and contacting him but I do worry what might happen if I don't squash these feelings. I know from prior Narc relationships that the point of no return for me is when I start ruminating about what I would say if I were to message them, and how would they react, and would they talk to me again or ignore me? It's a very slipper
... keep reading on reddit ➡A trauma bond is any relationship scenario whereby one person is exercising an abuse of power over another, while often masking their unhealthy behaviours as love. More common than you may think, this kind of toxic bond can represent itself in many forms, and while the types of abuse involved may be unique to every relationship affected, one common denominator remains: it is an unhealthy situation and never one you should settle for.
You are highly captivated by the other person
Sure, a magnetic attraction can be a great thing — but when the attraction feels so intense and so compelling that you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by it, you may want to take pause. As Jones explains, “This kind of attraction will often create feelings of excitement, but also anxiety.”
Expert advice:
“Enjoy the excitement of a new relationship, but take the time to really get to know the other person,” she adds. “Trauma bonding can feel very good at first and it can masquerade as love, but in reality, it is an unhealthy attachment that binds people together in destructive patterns.”
Everything is moving at warp speed
Fools rush in. “You’ll notice things happen fast in the relationship and you find yourself falling head over feet right away — jumping in without much thought,” says Jones.
Expert advice:
Reflect on the potential root of your hurry to form a bond. “Be aware of your own hurts in childhood,” explains Jones. “We have all been hurt and have some sort of attachment wounds. This does not mean anything is wrong with you — you are human, and every human incurs some wounds along the way.”
You’re feeling all the feels — all the time
Feeling a little too in your feelings lately? “You may find you’re running on emotions all the time without taking a moment to really think and reflect on the relationship,” says Jones.
Expert advice:
“Go to a therapist to better understand your attachment wounds. The more aware we are of ourselves and our past hurts, the less likely we are to fall into an unconscious pattern of destructive behaviours and choices.” This isn’t exclusive to shy, introverted types, either. Explains Jones, “Even a high-functioning person who is unaware of their attachment wounds can fall down the rabbit hole of an abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist, and they may not even realize it’s happening. No “type” of person is immune to the potential for a trauma bond.”
You’re on a rollercoaster — minus the fun
As
... keep reading on reddit ➡Holiday season I thought I was doing okay. I heard the girl he discarded me for broke up with him and momentarily it was satisfaction that he got what he deserved. Then they got back together. I’ve come across my nex’s hinge even though he’s dating the girl he discarded me for and thought that was validation enough that he still sucks. Then the distant mutual friends we used to have seemed like they weren’t even hanging out with him anymore and I thought that was satisfaction too. Except this last week, Christmas and New Years it’s all come crashing down. Those friends posted him and her together. I accidentally saw a post of them on a ski trip together. And I feel like I’ve relapsed into obsessing over it all over again.
Simultaneously craving his attention again and wanting the worst for him. It’s like I just…it’s so fucking unfair that no justice has been served. Why does he get to go on ski trips with this girl who thinks the world of him, and friends who invite him to fun outings and I’m still having to pick up the pieces he shattered. It’s not fair I want some sort of justice. I want her to leave him. Cheat on him. Break him into pieces. I want his friends to turn on him. I want everyone to know what he put me through. I want him to crumble and fall and there’s nothing I can do about it.
And at the same fucking time I’m so upset that he’s so fine without me. Like we spent 5 years together. And he’s such a narcissist he thinks we ended on good terms and yet he hasn’t reached out once. I never got a Christmas text or New Years text and I know it’s for the better but I have to be honest and say sometimes I envy the posts here about how their nex has reached out. I crave that validation of knowing it wasn’t all for nothing even though to him it was. Despite how bad it was, it’s so hard knowing how easy it was for him to let go of 5 years and go back to being strangers. I hate that I still think of him in this way and I just want it to stop.
I hate hating him and simultaneously wanting him back.
Okay so... Buckle in because unfortunately this is a wild one but I will try to TLDR it as much as I can.
First section is back story so skip that chunk if you wish\
-----------------------------------------The Past-----------------------------------------
My (26F) parents (51M & 47F) have never been... "ideal" parents. Now my mom always at least tried but my dad more or less was of the mindset that he had kids to pass on his lineage and to do housework, not for enjoyment purposes. This was especially hard for me as he is a PHENOMENAL artist and there was so much potential to learn from him, but he had little to no interest in his kids.
Now there were a lot of things my parents fucked up with. They treated me far different from my brothers I was allowed no less than A's, they flunked classes. I got grounded once for a SOLID month for being up past my curfew and my brothers never saw more than one day of grounding even for THROWING consoles across the house, hitting my mom and calling her names. I was held to a higher standard of being "perfect" I guess, but at the same time my dad would try and force me to go out and help him work on houses in 90 degree heat and I was scoffed at when I said I didn't want to.
Another example: At 14 I was sexually assaulted and stalked. I originally did not tell my parents because I was afraid to, but when this person continued to stalk me I did. My parents looked at me with disgust. I was dragged down to the police station to make a report but my parents anger was directed at ME, not my assailant.
And the worst of them all that I will post here today (You may wanna skip this one if you're easily grossed out), one or both (never found out) of my little brothers would steal my underwear from my dresser, j*ck off with them and put them back in the drawer, soiled. This happened on many occasions but they just blamed each other so no one ever got punished. My mom would try to just throw them in the washer as if I would EVER touch them again and tell me to stop making a big deal out of it.
So, needless to say I am not on the best terms with my parents. I don't feel like they've ever really had my best interests in mind and they've always treated me differently.
----------------------------------------- The Present-----------------------------------------
Now a days its even worse because when the housing market crashed in 2010 my dad lost his job and fell into a spiral he never escaped. He hasn't
... keep reading on reddit ➡I proposed to this girl October last year because of all the lovebombing. Needless to say she was way into sex than I was and the honeymoon period lasted for a couple of months where everything was just about sex and dirty talk and no actual conversations. After that everything went downhill because she went out for a dinner with her ex when I was not in town for a couple of weeks. When I confronted her about it she played it cool as if I was overreacting and there's nothing bad about it. I might have overreacted but it was because she went out with this guy at a very very elite place and also told me that she paid for it. We broke up for about 6 times in 8 months and every time she came back to talk with some made-up emergency. And everytime reconciliation took place by means of sex. She would cry over the phone(she suffered from anxiety and depression) and request me to allow her to come over as she couldn't sleep alone due to her panic attacks and we would end up having sex. I guess this on and off thing has really hurt me and everyday I wake up with morning anxiety and don't feel like getting out of the bed whereas she is traveling cities, posting workout and dance videos, photos with revealing outfits on social media as if nothing happened. I have blocked all her socials considering how much it hurts me. Can anyone please help me how to deal with this?
Do they ever actually end or are they something you just carry the rest of your life? I’m so scared any future relationship I have will be doomed from the start because of this bond. I still can’t even see myself with anyone else or have desire to be with anyone else, even though I gave the final ultimatum (which was not met) and put myself first in the end.
So I was doing a bit of reading on the internet and I ran into the term "trauma bonding" which was defined as
"the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the sporadic reinforcement of positive reward and devaluation creates powerful emotional bonds that are incredibly resistant to change. Experts liken recovering from a trauma bond to a heroin addiction because there are both psychological and chemical factors that make recovery difficult."
So I guess my question to you is: do you feel like you developed a trauma bond with your Nrents? I, for example, definitely developed one. I am in contact with them every day (because they want to be in contact with me), I tell them yes to their every wish and I try to please them as much as I can. However, if you ask me what I really want, it's the total opposite. I want nothing to do with them. I wish they were out of my lives for good. I don't like them or feel comfortable with them and I hate them for the way they treated me during my most vulnerable years. I keep telling my family of choice that it's like I'm in this prison that they (my Nrents) built for me. And not only do I thank my Nrents for the prison but I shut the door whenever it looks even the slightest bit open. Acting like this makes me feel totally insane, so I'm glad I found a term for what I have lived and developed.
Have any of you developed a trauma bond?
3 months breakup. I am doing self care and therapy and my current job is okay. BUT
I did not get a new job somewhere else to quit/ pause my education and current job.
I did not find a new room to stay and will likely move back to our shared flat and search for new options from there on (maybe 1/2 months living together with roommates also).
I applied for jobs, but lost my new flat opportunity. It would have been in another city. And I would have to quit/ maybe pause my carreer for the rest of the year.
I FEEL like there is one of the following three reasons behind this. Can you help me find out?:
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Sunk cost: still wishing to just continue with my carreer although I am pretty f'ed up and dont think I can handle the stress
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Still wishing we could get along after break up (which is nuts, even for normal people it is hard living together after break up)
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Clinging to roommates and my hometown with my social circle instead of new unknown situation
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Actually rationally not risking quitting my job and landing nowhere without new job or flat
Why is it that pwBPD does not become addicted to the highs and lows that they create during the relationship? Don’t their brain also get used to the euphoria and crashes? How can they just move on and not miss us or the drama? Why don’t they get addicted to the dopamine rollercoaster? While we’re stuck in the trauma bond? It doesn’t make sense to me how the trauma bond is a one way street?
We've all experienced the whole set of abuse, lying, cheating, gaslighting, insults, cruelty and outright nuclear invasion of our souls.
10 days NC, and I'm beginning to piece together some things i had always felt odd about.
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Whenever i sent her a meme i found funny and she probably didn't, she'd either not respond at all or say "lame".
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Whenever I'd tell her passionately about something i liked or enjoyed, she'd show zero interest.
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She was never inquisitive about ME, never asked me questions about my hobbies my interests, my goals in life.
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I remember once telling her about my perfect getaway "Camping among the woods, with my favorite books and music" and she said "you didn't mention ME". I told her its NOT about her and before i met her I've always dreamt of experiencing something like that. She didn't talk to me for 2 hours and after apologizing to her multiple times she finally came around.
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Never let me play my songs when we'd go out on drives. "I don't like your music, its boring" she'd always say. It was always HER FUCKING SONGS!
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Punished me for not wearing what SHE ASKED me to wear on dates. Full on lashing out!
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Once i got back from work and didn't have the energy to change my clothes, and i told her I'm not in the mood today. Result : "DOING THE BASIC CHORES IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU, WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOU".......
What an absolute shitty relationship i was in and THANK FUCK I FINALLY got the courage to end it and didn't give in to her hoover!
I'm still broken, slowly picking the pieces of my identity after she did her best to destroy it little by little.
I didn't have rose colored glasses on a few months in, oh no, I did have moments of clarity, which were bombarded with punishment and devaluation!
Okay. I was with this man for about 2 years. He was extremely emotional and psychologically abusive. Leaving him has been one of the hardest experiences and seeing the way he acted after the relationship was even harder. After the relationship, I was diagnosed with sever depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. I am fighting the hardest battle of my life. Sadly, I did not do no contact as soon as I should have. Stupid of me.
We were no longer together at a point but still speaking pretty often (through ft and text). I am & was extremely attached to him. During this time he would send me gifts and was really sweet to me. My hopes were up (dumb I know). He was struggling with his mental health due to some external issues and the “guilt” of how he had treated me, but he emphasized that he was doing the work to be better him and for us. I thought we might finally be healthy
It was good for a while until I found out he was messing around with a coworker he had told me not to worry about while we were dating. The abuse manipulation, gaslighting, and blaming started yet again. It was even more extreme than before, and it got to a point where I blew. I told him I wished he was dead & that the world would be better without him on top of other things that are completely out of my character. I know it’s reactive abuse but I still feel filthy. I was unaware that he had a complete mental breakdown after I told him this through the phone and he told his family he was going to kill himself. He drove himself to a crisis center and got some help.
When he was there, they told him that he also may be suffering from PTSD due to the relationship and the things I’ve said when reacting to his abuse. He texted me a picture of the pamphlet they gave him with notes. I was so shocked and felt numb. How could the man who abused ME for two years be suffering from ptsd due to the relationship? How was HE a victim? How could they even think that’s a possibility?
I could be completely misinformed and uneducated, but I’m feeling extremely disturbed by this. It feels like some sick joke.
My CPTSD has made my life unbearable. It was caused by living with a monster who degraded me and intimidated me on the daily. How could he possibly have this from me ?
Any opinions are appreciated <3
EDIT: Looking back I’m realizing how angry I sound. I’m honestly just tired of him victimizing himself. It’s frustrating because people around him find it hard to believe he’s capable of this. He ha
... keep reading on reddit ➡https://preview.redd.it/htjzbuiex4c81.png?width=564&format=png&auto=webp&s=7c39973869e1164b1e90a9f266257116ce4cfc90
We know that trauma bonds are dysfunctional attachments that form in the presence of exploitation, violence, or shame.
“This type of bonding does not facilitate recovery and resilience but rather undermines those very qualities within us.”
I have read that the following are the strategies one may use to combat their trauma bond:
• Boundary work
• No contact contracts with toxic individuals
• Implementation of strategies for detachment
• Self-help groups that can provide perspective
• Disrupt beliefs around “uniqueness”
• Support grief through ritualization around change
However, I am not sure exactly how to work through eliminating my trauma bond. For instance, what are the detachment strategies used, exactly?
Which specific strategies have you used (in or outside of therapy) to combat the presence of your trauma bond(s)?
Please share! Thank you 💕
• Suggested Reading: ”The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes
I am an empath who just cut of my.. lets say karmic soulmate who treated me like total crap and yet I stayed and am now on a very turbulent healing journey. I put up with alot, but managed to cut him off after he became physical and I found myself actually being scared of him. I gave everything and then some, I had a holy quest to fix things, even things that wasn't mine to fix. I am having a really hard time dealing with what he put me through and I feel a huge sadness to myself and how I let myself down by putting him before my needs and self respect. I'd love to hear your stories and experiences.
- also we work together, and I find that being the hardest part of it. Not being able to tell people at work, just silently suffering by myself. I'd hate for them to not believe me and potentially take his side. That would be soul crushing. Do anyone have any suggestions that isn't "quit your job?" I managed to get different shifts as him so we barely see each other anymore, and it seems like he hasn't told anyone any lies about me yet which is nice.
So long story short when i was 12-15 i had a really toxic relationship in which he sexually abused me. I wasnt aware of it actually being sexual abuse until i told my friend bc it wasnt the usual “got raped at night on the streets” kind of thing. Im now 17 almost 18 and it still has such a hold on me. I know i should see a therapist and i will this year but why is it still so glamorized in my head. I know its wrong and its years later i never see him or speak to him anymore yet the thing that still hurts me most is the fact he cheated on me multiple times. I had a new relationship but it just isnt the same, i’ve been looking for that addicting love ever since. How can i fix this? Will it ever go away? It was a healthy good relationship yet i broke up with him it just felt boring, i know its bad will it ever go away?
The Hard Truth about the Trauma Bond
^^^ This is an eye-opener. The narcissist retraumatizes us through our unresolved childhood trauma.
We have a childhood trauma, and this left us with tons of shame. This is why we become co-dependents.
[FANTASY. What we want] During the Love-Bombing stage, the narcissist becomes the perfect parental role figure in your life: attentive, validating, understanding, unconditional love, good listeners, caring, etc.
[PARENTAL UNIT FROM THE PAST] During conditioning, the narcissist becomes the parental unit from the past: selfish, immature, withholding love/affection/attention, rejecting, insecure.
And the pendulum swings from the Fantasy Parent <==> Parental Unit from the past (Back and Forth... Back and Forth). This is how Trauma Bond is created.
How can we abandon our "perfect" parent? We want her/him so badly.
What seems to be the solution to this dilemma/trauma? .... perhaps becoming aware of this and working on our childhood trauma.
The Hard Truth about the Trauma Bond
^^^ This is an eye-opener. The narcissist retraumatizes us through our unresolved childhood trauma.
We have a childhood trauma, and this left us with tons of shame. This is why we become co-dependents.
[FANTASY. What we want] During the Love-Bombing stage, the narcissist becomes the perfect parental role figure in your life: attentive, validating, understanding, unconditional love, good listeners, caring, etc.
[PARENTAL UNIT FROM THE PAST] During conditioning, the narcissist becomes the parental unit from the past: selfish, immature, withholding love/affection/attention, rejecting, insecure.
And the pendulum swings from the Fantasy Parent <==> Parental Unit from the past (Back and Forth... Back and Forth). This is how Trauma Bond is created.
How can we abandon our "perfect" parent? We want her/him so badly.
What seems to be the solution to this dilemma/trauma? .... perhaps becoming aware of this and working on our childhood trauma.
It’s been about 4.5 months since I [23M] broke up with my ex [21F] of 4 years. We had a very up-and-down relationship, to say the least. When we were good, things were absolutely amazing and she was the woman of my dreams. Fundamentally we were compatible in many ways (humor, intelligence, quality time, life plans, our quirks and mannerisms, etc). We really felt like a unit and were always on the same wavelength. We were each one of the few people we could be 100% comfortable around. But there were a handful of instances of her being unfaithful that gave me so many fears and insecurities. It turned me into a person I wasn’t happy with. Coupled with other issues and feeling like she wasn’t reciprocating my efforts, I rashly ended things in the middle of a little argument.
I regret not breaking up in a more mature way, but I know it wasn't a mistake; I know logically she treated me poorly and that I’m just trauma bonded to her. I’ve been making progress and healing (therapy, working out, getting into great shape, getting a great job, moving out, making new friends), but I’m still having a hard time letting go and moving on. I’m having a hard time with my heart catching up to my brain, and accepting the fact she isn’t the person I thought or wished she was. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally very forgiving (when it comes to her), despite it only hurting me. But I’m starting to realize it’s not that I was forgiving, it’s that I had no self respect.
I recently graduated college and my new apartment is coincidentally right down the road from her house and it’s been putting her on my mind a lot.
I've gone out and met people, but I’m not ready to date and I just end up comparing everyone to her in my mind. So I’ve stopped going on dates until I’ve fully healed and am happy being single, but I’m worried it's going to take a really long time. I sometimes worry I won’t find anyone who makes me feel like she did when things were good. We were together for ~20% of our lives.
I’m still not going to reach out though. She hates me and given the last things she did/said, I’ll never be the first to reach out. I don’t need advice on not reaching out, but on moving past her.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you for reading.
TL;DR: My ex mistreated me badly. I won’t reach out, but I’m having a hard time breaking the trauma bond.
It’s been about 4.5 months since I [23M] broke up with my ex [21F] of 4 years. We had a very up-and-down relationship, to say the least. When we were good, things were absolutely amazing and she was the woman of my dreams. Fundamentally we were compatible in many ways (humor, intelligence, quality time, life plans, our quirks and mannerisms, etc). We really felt like a unit and were always on the same wavelength. We were each one of the few people we could be 100% comfortable around. But there were a handful of instances of her being unfaithful that gave me so many fears and insecurities. It turned me into a person I wasn’t happy with. Coupled with other issues and feeling like she wasn’t reciprocating my efforts, I rashly ended things in the middle of a little argument.
I regret not breaking up in a more mature way, but I know it wasn't a mistake; I know logically she treated me poorly and that I’m just trauma bonded to her. I’ve been making progress and healing (therapy, working out, getting into great shape, getting a great job, moving out, making new friends), but I’m still having a hard time letting go and moving on. I’m having a hard time with my heart catching up to my brain, and accepting the fact she isn’t the person I thought or wished she was. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally very forgiving (when it comes to her), despite it only hurting me. But I’m starting to realize it’s not that I was forgiving, it’s that I had no self respect.
I recently graduated college and my new apartment is coincidentally right down the road from her house and it’s been putting her on my mind a lot.
I've gone out and met people, but I’m not ready to date and I just end up comparing everyone to her in my mind. So I’ve stopped going on dates until I’ve fully healed and am happy being single, but I’m worried it's going to take a really long time. I sometimes worry I won’t find anyone who makes me feel like she did when things were good. We were together for ~20% of our lives.
I’m still not going to reach out though. She hates me and given the last things she did/said, I’ll never be the first to reach out. I don’t need advice on not reaching out, but on moving past her.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you for reading.
TL;DR: My ex mistreated me badly. I won’t reach out, but I’m having a hard time breaking the trauma bond.
In need of advice/support as the relationship recently ended.
It’s been about 4.5 months since I [23M] broke up with my ex [21F] of 4 years. We had a very up-and-down relationship, to say the least. When we were good, things were absolutely amazing and she was the woman of my dreams. Fundamentally we were compatible in many ways (humor, intelligence, quality time, life plans, our quirks and mannerisms, etc). We really felt like a unit and were always on the same wavelength. We were each one of the few people we could be 100% comfortable around. But there were a handful of instances of her being unfaithful that gave me so many fears and insecurities. It turned me into a person I wasn’t happy with. Coupled with other issues and feeling like she wasn’t reciprocating my efforts, I rashly ended things in the middle of a little argument.
I regret not breaking up in a more mature way, but I know it wasn't a mistake; I know logically she treated me poorly and that I’m just trauma bonded to her. I’ve been making progress and healing (therapy, working out, getting into great shape, getting a great job, moving out, making new friends), but I’m still having a hard time letting go and moving on. I’m having a hard time with my heart catching up to my brain, and accepting the fact she isn’t the person I thought or wished she was. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally very forgiving (when it comes to her), despite it only hurting me. But I’m starting to realize it’s not that I was forgiving, it’s that I had no self respect.
I recently graduated college and my new apartment is coincidentally right down the road from her house and it’s been putting her on my mind a lot.
I've gone out and met people, but I’m not ready to date and I just end up comparing everyone to her in my mind. So I’ve stopped going on dates until I’ve fully healed and am happy being single, but I’m worried it's going to take a really long time. I sometimes worry I won’t find anyone who makes me feel like she did when things were good. We were together for ~20% of our lives.
I’m still not going to reach out though. She hates me and given the last things she did/said, I’ll never be the first to reach out. I don’t need advice on not reaching out, but on moving past her.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you for reading.
TL;DR: My ex mistreated me badly. I won’t reach out, but I’m having a hard time breaking the trauma bond.
How did you break free from a trauma bond with a narcissist?
