Thorny skate Puns

Algysh

Asleep you were, but now you're awake

Meaning literally coming to, all for the sake

Of making a choice you thought was fake

Metaphors aside, I speak of an ethics phage

That might make your knobby knees quake

Complex is it, so that no master will shave

Its full beard with their favorite occam's razor

So in-depth is the subject, I take a few pages

To type it all out in a late-night manic daze

But, know that I edit while totally unphased

As to dance properly on its puzzling stages

I must fire freely with linguistic guns ablaze

…

Imperfect Messiah

Before I will even begin to aloofly misplace

My words for hours while sitting in one place

All while making a message to disseminate

The truth that makes my dumb eyes glaze

I must touch the nature of the garden's state

Ideal as we wish the world to be; it's all cray

Really, have you seen how the pieces lay?

As elegant as fate is that we seriously may

Be a random assortment of parts that made

Through pure chance, a Boltzmann Brain

However, reality could be a billion alternate

Explanations how madness consummated

With natural law to birth what is displayed

It's such an absurd mismatch being portrayed

Fuck, tomorrow God could choose to urinate

Across the Earth to flood it in order to delay

Our collective escape to the depths of space

But, across all of these odds there permeates

A truth that should be accepted to immolate

The delusion that perfection can be attained

You're a bunch of rotting meat that will decay

Not some angel made from a divine light ray

So don't set off trying to be a messiah, aight?

The core of what I'm selling is you're great

Just trying to be better is a feat to celebrate

And remember, no matter your younger days

God has already unconditionally forgave

And They always will, as is the maker's way

...

Addressing My Past Self

Now, first the problem's problem I'll engage

By saying that I am so thoroughly infuriated

That to the blasted thought experiment stated

Do many philosophizing fools masturbate

Using flawed logic devoid of real applicates

Of their reason, willpower, or ability to care

Thus making these decisions as surrogates

Only partially studying the parts they isolate

Never coming close to an honest undertaking

Of attempting to make their egos abdicate

Though often on truth they do tend to skate

…

Grandiose Objectivity

Ultimately, however, these thinkers will

to save the mods time here is the source: Guinness World Records

According to Guinness the book is called: (and yes i did copy and paste the entire title)

'The historical development of the Heart i.e. from its formation from Annelida: Clam worm, Seamouse, Lugworm, Megascolex, Tubifex, Pheretima, Freshwater leech, marine leech, land leech. Arthropoda: Ladybird, Krill, Rock Barnacle, Root-headed Barnacle, Copepod, Silverfish, Cairns birdwing, Silver - spotted skipper, Scutigera, Cray fish, Large white, Andonis blue, Camberwell beauty, Tiger swallowtail, Regent skipper, Black – veined white, Green – underside blue, Blue Morpho, Apollo, Guava skipper, Cleopatra, Large copper, Millipede, Orb spider, Black widow spider, Giant crab spider, Wolf spider, Bird – eating spider, Tenebrionid beetle, Green Tiger beetle, African goliath beetle, Scolopendra, Diving beetle, African ground beetle, New guinea weevil, Barnacle, Lobster, Shrimp, Woodlice, Mite, Prawn, Housefly, Butterfly, Monarch butterfly, Peacock butterfly, Honey bee, Fairy shrimp, Horsehoe crab, Tick, Bluebootle, Froghopper, Yellow crazy ant, Water flea, Sea spider, Fiddler crab, Shiny spider crab, Hermit crab, Sail swallowtail, Red admiral, Morpho butterfly, Desert locust, Stephens island weta, Speckled bush cricket, Mole cricket, Dung – beetle, Euthalia ynipardus, Small blues, Termite, Hornet, Mosquito, Garden spider, Tarantula, Desert hairy scorpion, Emperor dragon – fly, Moth, Centipede, Wood ant, Stag beetle, Indian red admiral, Blue admiral, Harvestman, Hoverfly, Shield bug, Assassin bug, Cicada, Coreid bug, Rose aphid, Water – boatman, Wasp, June bug, Large tortoiseshell, Frog beetle, Mexican red – legged tarantula, Paintedlady, Sydney funnelweb spider, Small tortoiseshell, Mountain bumble bee, Trapdoor spider, Jumping spider, Daddy longlegs spider, Orchind bee, Asian carpenter bee, Parasitic bee, House spider, Giant longhorn beetle, Flea, Bedbug Beetle, Cockroach, Scorpion, Spider, Ant, Gnats, Grasshopper, Silver fish, Crab, Great green bush cricket, Elephant hawk – moth. Mollusca: Neomenia, Chaetoderma, Chiton, Lepidopleurus, Apple snail, Sea hare, Sea lemon, Dentalium, Freshwater mussel, Marine mussel, Pearl oyster, Cuttlefish, Giant squid, Chambered fish, Devilfish. Fishes or Pisces: African glass catfish, African lungfish, Aholeh

Aaraugr

Types: Water/Ghost

Dex entry: Aaraugr the Treasure Collecter Pokémon. Aaraugrs true form is unknown as It covers Itself in objects It finds on the sea floor and will attack anyone who tries to take the items away.

Design: A glowing orb with seaweed covering It that is also holding a viking ship dragon head.

Origin: Draugr (Here go to the Recent part), Dragons (They collect gold this thing collects other things) and Will-o'-Wisp

Name Origin: Aarnivalkea (Spots where an eternal flame associated with will o' the wisps burns) and Draugr

Ragjup

Types: Fairy

Dex entry: Ragjup the Puppy Warden Pokémon. Ragjups are known as symbols of fortune and are very common in households.

Design: A puppy with angel wings

Origin: Garmr (Here), Guardian angel, Fylgja (Here) and Puppy (PUPPY!)

Name Origin: Rag (What Garmr means), Fylgja and Pup (PUPPY!)

If given the wardens branch Ragjup Evolves into

Gardog

Types: Fairy/Grass

Dex entry: Gardog the Guardian Pokémon. Gardogs love people and will protect those It has grown to love with Their lifes.

Design: A dog with angel wings and leaves instead of ears

Origin: Garmr, Guardian angel, Vörðr (Here) and Dogs

Name Origin: Garmr, Garden, Guardian, Warden and Dog

If given the Hel rag Ragjup Evolves into

Garevenant

Types: Dark/Fairy

Dex entry: Garevenant the House Guardian Pokémon. Garevenants hate having people It doesn't know be where It lives and will try to stop this by barking and even biting.

Design: A black wolf with scarf around Its neck with a pattern of a gate

Origin: Garmr (Going full in on It) and Revenant (Here)

Name Origin: Garmr, Garment (The scarf) and Revenant

Note: This line is the version differnt Pokémon to that Nisse line I made

Hoderopt

Types: Dark/Flying

Dex entry: Hoderopt the Blind Bat Pokémon. Hoderopts are always born blind, It is unknown how Hoderopt can see but many people say that They hear voices which tells It what to do.

Design: A bat with glassy eyes, Misletoe on Its back, A snake like thing close to Its ear and a bow like thing that goes from one wing tip to the other wing tip.

Origin: Hoder (Here), Bats (BATS!) and Mistletoe

Name Origin: Hoder and Chiroptera (Bats!)

Skatrap

Types: Water/Ste

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

I would have a daughter

But Bill kept the Windows

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

You officially hit rock bottom

No it doesn't.

Now it’s syncing.

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

I will find you. You have my Word.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

“thank you for your cervix.”

...sails are going through the roof.

Made me smile

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

A taxi

But now I stand corrected.

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

Wookie mistake.

Theoretical Fizz-ics

Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark

And then you will all be sorry.