What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
They asked me how I put the wood together so well.
A bear is riding a bike in the woods
when he passes a man who notices him and yells:
"What the heck?! Bears don't know how to ride bikes!
The bear replies: "oh right, i forgot!" and tips over.
My uncle used to tell me this joke as a kid and it took me a while to understand the tiny but valuable lesson behind it.
What's the weakest part of Tiger Woods game?
Once I finally finished installing the thin wood flooring in my large living room, I thought to myself...
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
So a bear walks out of the woods onto a golf course
The golfers didn't want to bear with him about the whereabouts of Tiger Woods and ran towards another bearing.
How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
A father and son were sitting in the woods.
Son: Dad, do trees poop?
Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.
Did you hear about the tiger woods crash?
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.
The wolves may be predators but he pray
Why do you want to sleep in the woods?
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says “they are knot holes”.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
There was a lumberjack who moonlighted as a serial killer. He used wood chippers to dispose of the bodies, which is why he was so prolific.
Every once in a while, these guys come out of the woodwork.
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
Every time the camper heard something rustle in the woods he shouted, "It's a grizzly!"
Guess he was a bit bearanoid.
My dad told me he met that famous actor on his walk in the woods.
What’s the scariest wood?
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.
Did he ride it? No. It wooden start
Walk in the woods
Two guys are walking through a forest when they come across a lamppost. The first guy turns to the second and says "Whats a lamppost doing out in the middle of knowhere" and the second replies. "That's Narnia business"
How did the crazy people find their way out of the woods ?
They followed the psycho path
What's the spookiest type of wood?
Two lumberjacks were cutting wood. One of them shouted at the other over the noise of the chainsaw, “What was the name of that tree ring dating app you were using?”
The other replied, “Tiiiiimmmber!”
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
I am sure someone has posted this one before, but, since I haven’t seen it, here goes! What did the wood screw say to the machine screw?
Wow! Those are some fine lookin’ threads, brotha!
What's the best way to carve wood ?
I saw a great deal online for a 'Replica Rolex' for only $50. I just opened the box and found it is completely made of wood...
To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.
Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
One says, “We’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
“Doesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
“What do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
“I mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
He wood've turned out great too, had he not turned to the other side
What wood be the problem?
Why can’t you cook wood on the stove?
Because it’s a non-stick pan...
What do you call a man looking for his wife in the woods?
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, “NO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack responded, “And you will dialogue.”
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn't stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
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