In The Woods Puns

"That's slander, man."

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

The wolves may be predators but he pray

Forrest

Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”

Guess he was a bit bearanoid.

Huge axeman

Two guys are walking through a forest when they come across a lamppost. The first guy turns to the second and says "Whats a lamppost doing out in the middle of knowhere" and the second replies. "That's Narnia business"

It means my illegal logging business is a success

         One says, “We’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          “Doesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          “What do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          “I mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”

A dear hunter.

It was unbearable to watch

He has hives.

and I like my Corona without Lyme.

.. Would they be called Kenny Log Inns?

Suddenly one of them spots tracks.

"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.

"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.

They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.

Cause of death ruled Axe-idental

.... it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

He died of exposure.

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

By its Bark

I hear it was in tents.

Chopin'

They stumble across a genie Genie: I will grant each of you 1 wish Guy 1: I wish to go home Guy 2: I wish to go back home Guy 3: now im lonely, I wish my friends were here

STAG-nant.

Because he saw a sign there saying: For-rest

It was fucking in-tents.

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

♪ Guess who died in the woods today ♫ Do Dah, Do Dah. ♫ Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

"That's terrible," the woman dispatcher on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," Dad said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...

Sherwood.

Just wondering.

But I keep reminding them that camping is in-tents

Turns out it was just a Forest Stump.

But I think it's a load of crap.

The baathroom.

new dad with first OC dad-joke. Soooo overly proud of myself and my wife gave the perfect eyeroll in response to it this morning

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!