"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."

"That's slander, man."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slashycent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A bear is riding a bike in the woods

when he passes a man who notices him and yells:

"What the heck?! Bears don't know how to ride bikes!

The bear replies: "oh right, i forgot!" and tips over.

My uncle used to tell me this joke as a kid and it took me a while to understand the tiny but valuable lesson behind it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Once I finally finished installing the thin wood flooring in my large living room, I thought to myself...

At lath.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle-Zippers
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A father and son were sitting in the woods.

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beek77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.

The wolves may be predators but he pray

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MegaFamous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do you want to sleep in the woods?

Forrest

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathBirdie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says β€œthey are knot holes”.

Miss4 says β€œif they are not holes, what are they?”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time the camper heard something rustle in the woods he shouted, "It's a grizzly!"

Guess he was a bit bearanoid.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deejaydoug
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad told me he met that famous actor on his walk in the woods.

Huge axeman

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it

It means my illegal logging business is a success

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/taylorgs12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Walk in the woods

Two guys are walking through a forest when they come across a lamppost. The first guy turns to the second and says "Whats a lamppost doing out in the middle of knowhere" and the second replies. "That's Narnia business"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFallsAlot32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
         One says, β€œWe’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          β€œDoesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          β€œWhat do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          β€œI mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man looking for his wife in the woods?

A dear hunter.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/revenges_captain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him

It was unbearable to watch

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanDzikipan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my friend who owns the apiary got into some poison ivy or something during a hike in the woods...

He has hives.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to take a hike in the woods today but realized tick season is starting

and I like my Corona without Lyme.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themissamos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If Kenny Loggins was to open a budget hotel complex in the woods...

.. Would they be called Kenny Log Inns?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thumthumsinaction
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two men are hunting in the woods...

Suddenly one of them spots tracks.

"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.

"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.

They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMayberry5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karma-Bot-Killer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Lizzie Borden was found dead in the woods

Cause of death ruled Axe-idental

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ....

.... it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNakamura
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, the drivers and the irons are all gone, but they are not out of the woods yet.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATX_Stig
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?

He died of exposure.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlugBoy42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

πŸ‘︎ 675
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
If you are in the woods, how do you tell if a tree is a dogwood?

By its Bark

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nautiwow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bear that mauled a family camping in the woods?

I hear it was in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottishSwede66
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a classical music composer doing in the woods?

Chopin'

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoniesAreNotGay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
3 friends get lost in the woods.

They stumble across a genie Genie: I will grant each of you 1 wish Guy 1: I wish to go home Guy 2: I wish to go back home Guy 3: now im lonely, I wish my friends were here

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a deer standing in the woods?

STAG-nant.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Da_Lizard_1771
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the dad sleep out in the woods last night?

Because he saw a sign there saying: For-rest

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack died in the woods...

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

β™ͺ Guess who died in the woods today β™« Do Dah, Do Dah. β™« Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philo-sopher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
How did the hikers describe having intercourse in the woods?

It was fucking in-tents.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WebWheat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad called the Police today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs..."

"That's terrible," the woman dispatcher on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," Dad said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

πŸ‘︎ 447
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fr_Time
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
🚨︎ report
A man is walking in the woods. He sees three holes filled with water and something he couldn't identify. All could say was

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm dreading the upcoming holidays because I know dad's gonna tell us all about the bear and the rabbit who were taking a poop in the woods...

The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What did Robin Hood say when asked if he wanted to take a walk in the woods?

Sherwood.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baby-Soft-Elbows
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What are a rabbi, a priest and an imam doing all together in the woods?

Just wondering.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flowt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw Tom Hanks in the woods yesterday.

Turns out it was just a Forest Stump.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was out for a run and said she had to take an emergency poop in the woods. I want to believe her...

But I think it's a load of crap.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingnebwsu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids keep telling me our over nights in the woods are lame and boring;

But I keep reminding them that camping is in-tents

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerBearBar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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