I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around eventually.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
βI canβt believe I blew 40 bucks in thereβ
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
When you walk into the bathroom...
π︎ 48
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Did I walk into the wrong bar?
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 28 2021
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
π︎ 150
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
A man walks into the doctor's office
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.
"Like a glove."
π︎ 148
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
A 3 legged dog walks into the bar.
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face...
The horse not being able to comprehend the language shits on the floor and leaves
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Why did the bored guy walk to the fish market.
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 21 2021
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
Itβs a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and itβs a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 167
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down.
Do you think it's stumped?
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
Child walks past the parents bedroom, peaks inside and mumbles....
"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu (Shih Tzu).
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
A dung beetle walks into the bar
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases"
π︎ 26
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
Hi I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 173
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar...
....and the barman says, "Oh God, not U2 again!!"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
A woman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a "Double Entendre".
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight."
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
π︎ 100
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
A man walks into an apiary and asks the beekeeper for a dozen bees.
The beekeeper replies: "Sure, and I'll throw in the 13th as a freebie..."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
But they didnβt planet.
π︎ 573
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
Remember the band that did that rock cover of βwalk like an Egyptianβ by The Bangles?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.
He must be in some extreme mist group.
π︎ 128
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, βGet out. We donβt serve rope in here.β So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, βHey! Arenβt you the rope that I just threw out?β
The rope replied, βNo. Iβm a frayed knot.β
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 27 2020
A nose walks into the pub....
The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
I'll never walk down the hall, outside the church, near the courtyard...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says 'Oh god, not U2 again...'
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying heβd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around, eventually.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ May 17 2020
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