Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
I don't know what decisions the Supreme Court will make in 2021 but one thing is for sure...
The funniest thing about a dad joke
The last thing my grandfather said to me before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
Whats the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
I just printed a bunch of pamphlets on how to avoid conflicts and not say the wrong thing.
I've started giving things Arabic names for the fun of it.
What was the first thing Sinatra said to his parents when he was born?
I wondered if I’d ever have the strength to hold things together like I used to
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
After turning on my computer in the morning, the first thing I tell myself is “I got this!”
I should stop using WebMD as my homepage.
A vegan podiatrist becomes a cannibal, the first thing he eats is
What’s the worst thing about being an egg?
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
The only thing that flat earthers fear....
The only thing I learned in high school was how to multiply...
and I have eleven kids to prove it.
The only thing a kleptomaniac cannot steal is a pun
They take everything literally.
What’s up with ghosts haunting people? Aren’t there more interesting things to do in the afterlife? [OC]
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
A drug addicted midget is the only thing that will always be both lower and higher than me at the same time.
Setting my heights real low on this one guys. Lol
Because if the whole quarantine thing,
I will only be telling inside jokes.
Whats the most important thing to be when living in Asgard with a corrupt police force?
I’ll never forget the last thing my late grandfather said to me.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? The same thing applies with the Virgin Islands...
There are no canaries there either...
As an archaeologist, I could instantly tell the people of the ancient world were into sweet things...
They used a mortar and PEZ-tle.
Yeah, it's dumb but it sure beats a repost!
You know the worst thing about eating clocks?
That steam roller operator said the nicest thing to me as he ran me over...
I had to reschedule a work meeting today to bring my son to the orthodontist. My coworker said she was thinking the same thing because she has to visit the dentist.
I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
What is the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed?
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
The worst thing about time travelling are the kids asking:
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
Just got my new keyboard. Looks like the keys are taking things quite literally.
I'll never forget the last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket.......
He said: "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
What's the first thing Pikachu said when he met Raichu?
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
My girlfriend wanted to spice things up in the bedroom
I hate when she eats on the bed! Hot sauce stains, Woman!
What is the most concerning thing about Lyme Disease?
New cases have lately been on an uptick.
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.
They never seize to amaze me
What is the canine contractor's favorite thing to build?
I'm not brave enough to discover new things in the real world, so I decided to be an Internet Explorer instead.
Sadly even that was to Edge-y for me!
What do you call the same thing as a cinnamon roll?
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
I said the best things in life are free
Ya know the hardest thing about skydiving?
With the onset of age, I'm forgetting really simple things, like the fact that cheese is made from milk.
Previously it would've a curd to me.
The thing about the music for the Sheep Waltz...
It has 3 beats to each baa
Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order.
He's got a terrible case of body Yoda
What's the worst thing to say to a COVID-19 patient?
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?
I don't thing reformation of the police is possible...
After all, Andy, Sting, and Stewart have each had success with other solo projects.
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
After days I finally found the thing to turn the TV on with.
It was in a very remote place.
What was the fish’s reason for doing things?
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
Money factories are the only thing in America I understand.
Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch
What is the pirates least favorite thing to do on the weekend?
What's the worst thing a blind person can read in Braille?
What's that thing on the roof? Just a cupola windows.
Why don’t vampires feel bad about the foul things they do?
They’re incapable of reflection.
Came with the house my brother bought. The thing sticking out is his tuning fork
I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
My wife told me a French Torte was the hardest thing to bake
Turned out to be a piece of cake
A new zoo opened in town. I went to check it out, but the first and only thing that they had was a single dog in a cage.
The coronavirus will probably be the closest thing to a crown that Prince Charles will ever get.
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
The first thing I’ll say if Captain James Hook ever get hit by a truck is
“You ain’t seeing half of the insurance money”
The thing about adverbs is...
They're really, truly, utterly, amazingly, unbelievably, astoundingly, hard to avoid in speech or text.
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
What's the best thing about switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
The only thing flat earthers fear
I will never forget the last thing what my late grandfather told me.
What's the best thing from switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket, it was...
“Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus
I'll never forget the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.
"Watch how far I can kick this bucket!!!:
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself.
The only thing flat earthers fear
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland
I don't know,but the flag is a big plus.
The thing about cheating in an elevator is...
It is wrong on so many levels.
I remember the last thing your grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... it was:
"Hey, how far do you think i can kick this bucket?"
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