The Red Onion Puns

I asked my dad for a little help with a recipe the other day.

"Dad, what do I need for red beans and rice?"

"Oh, some celery, a bell pepper, an onion, some Tony's, a pound of rice, a pound of sausage, and 239 kidney beans."

"Why not just a pound of beans?"

"Well, if you add just one more, it'll be too-farty!"

My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients.

Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions?

Me: What does it look like?

Wife: White container, red writing.

Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing?

Wife [Relieved]: Yeah!

Me: ...hood?

Wife brandishes knife.

My father was talking to my grandmother about the recipe for the rice we had with our chicken. He said he put in some onions, red peppers, and cooked it with chicken stock.

I asked him what he would do with his chicken stock if the chicken market started to go under.

I could see the pride in his eyes when he said "Sell sell sell!"