I just found out that the guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
Why did the non-binary prospector head out West?
Because there was gold in them/their hills!
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.
Not the greatest,brought out a chuckle
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."
"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.
As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"
What’s the worst part about going out to eat duck?
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
I went skydiving today for the first time. This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the Plane and as we plummeted , he said:
"So , how long have you been an Instructor?"
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.
I really need a thesaurus, but all the shops have sold out.
I can't describe how angry I am.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
I went out with a girl the other night, she wore this real slinky dress...
She looked great going down the stairs.
What did the body builder say when he realized that he was all out of protein shake mix?
This popped in my head a few days ago. Why did the baker freak out after his latest project?
Because what he made was stolen!
I figured out the secret chord that David played!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
So a bear walks out of the woods onto a golf course
The golfers didn't want to bear with him about the whereabouts of Tiger Woods and ran towards another bearing.
The prosthetics store down the street ran out of stock...
Things are really getting out of hand...
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
Do you know how many clickbait articles there are out on the Internet now?
The answer may shock you.
Watching my kid throw my brand new phone out the window is the last thing I wanted to see today...
Why did the teacher freak out while grading his Synonyms quiz?
How do you get out of a conversation with the Easter Bunny?
Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.
What happens when the sun goes out in Bangladesh?
What did the man say when he found out the milk man was sleeping with his wife?
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Feeling bad for the cows I saw stood out in the field in this cold weather
Why did the Italian chef get locked out of his restaurant?
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
I just found out you should never put sanitizer in the dishwasher.
What's Irish and sits out on the sidewalk
No one could figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame.
But Quasimodo had a hunch.
I found out the other day that the flying spaghetti monster has a lot of anxiety.
I guess he suffers from impasta syndrome
What's the difference between going out with a Geologist and a Geographer?
One rocks, the other will give you the world.
A midget stumbles out of the bar...
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch".
As the disgraced saucier was forced out of his former kitchen, he threatened impotently:
"you will roux the day!!!"
Why did the highschool prom turn out to be such a joke?
The punchline was too long
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
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