When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
Itβs our family hair loom.
π︎ 72
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︎ Oct 15 2020
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 16 2020
My 7 y/o told me this one tonight: What did the manager say when he came out of the closet?
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︎ Aug 25 2020
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
π︎ 26
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︎ Sep 26 2020
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said βThatβs good son, maybe next time youβll get a talking role!β
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Which one stole your broom maβam? Can you pick her out of a line up?
No it was Witch two officer!
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 06 2020
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. βThatβs one too many!β says the customer.
The clerk replies βItβs a freebieβ
π︎ 23k
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︎ Mar 11 2020
I saw yet another fence joke but this one seemed a bit out of line
So I offered to repost it
π︎ 12
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︎ Sep 07 2020
We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.
I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"
This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 02 2020
Am I the only one who has to spell out the alphabet to find where a letter is
π︎ 13
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︎ Aug 22 2020
I was going to ask this girl out at my gym but she only had one leg and...
I'm lack toes intolerant.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
This one goes out to whoever invented the zero
π︎ 20
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︎ Aug 27 2020
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
π︎ 31
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︎ Aug 02 2020
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 25 2020
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, βNo one does that to a woman...
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︎ Aug 24 2020
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldnβt stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 24 2020
My girlfriends dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one
She was mad, βWhat am I going to do with 2 dead dogs??β
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 13 2020
I was out with two friends recently. One of them asked if I can knot
Me: I cannot
Friend: ah so you can knot
Me: no I cannot knot
Friend: knot knot?
Other friend: who's there
π︎ 18
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︎ Jun 14 2020
My girlfriend was walking thru the city with stilettos on when a part of one gave out...
She said, "what the heel!"
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 07 2020
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.
They are all laughtose intolerant.
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︎ Jun 28 2020
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 23 2020
In an attempt to teach him shapes, I told my 2-year-old son to pick out the 3-sided shape with a 90 degree angle. He picked one...
It was the right triangle.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
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︎ Apr 12 2020
What did the wig shop owner shout at the thief as they ran out of the store with one of the hair pieces?
Hey!! GET BACK HERE!!! You need toupeΓ© for that!!
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︎ May 23 2020
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If youβre Russian when youβre walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while youβre in the bathroom?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 03 2020
I'm sticking my neck out on this one
π︎ 45
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︎ Apr 17 2020
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood!!
I come from a long line of fathers...
π︎ 33
π
︎ May 15 2020
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
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︎ Jan 14 2020
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote βAntβ in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
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︎ May 01 2020
One for all the musicians out there sorry not sorry
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the best one.
π︎ 341
π
︎ Jan 25 2020
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said βthanks, youβre a lifesaver!β
The first one responded βactually Iβm a KitKatβ
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 08 2020
This one goes out to my musician boys
π︎ 99
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︎ Nov 29 2019
2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:
This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.
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︎ Dec 26 2019
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with βNo, not Eni.β
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︎ May 14 2020
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
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︎ Jun 19 2019
Itβs the quiet ones you have to watch out for
π︎ 76
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︎ Dec 29 2019
I was walking through town with my wife one day when she pointed out a man dressed like a tree selling $1 hard-boiled eggs,
She said "What's he doing? Is this normal??? It isn't even Easter".
I said "Oh him? That's Egg-Sell-Ent"
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︎ Apr 12 2020
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
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︎ Jan 22 2020
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Dec 08 2018
What did one pancake say to the other as it headed out the door?
Catch you on the flip side!
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 07 2020
This light in the bathroom at my office has been out for a year. Today it was finally replaced. One might say it was the βhighlightβ of my day
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 06 2020
With everyone quarantined and staying inside, there is no one out to spy on or follow around...
The stalk market is very weak.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 18 2020
Wife needed a protractor so she printed one out. It wasn't perfect
But it gets the point across
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π
︎ Mar 22 2020
One of those puns you need to say out loud to get
π︎ 17
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︎ Oct 19 2019
Even though the protein store was consistently out of stock, one guy still made sales
because where there is a Will, there is a whey
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 21 2020
I tried out a weight watchers group therapy session but no one would talk about their experiences.
There were just too many elephants in the room
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 06 2020
I know a fireman with twin boys. The first one out was very lucky because his name is βJose.β
His brother, βHose B,β not so much.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 26 2020
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
Itβs called the Redundant-Sea.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 26 2020
I used to randomly sort resumes into 2 piles. One of the piles I'd throw out. The ones in the remaining were lucky enough to go to step 2.
I guess I wasn't much of a police detective.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 16 2019
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
π︎ 16
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︎ Sep 05 2019
A cousin of mine is in charge of distribution for this big pickle company; he was freaking out over the weekend after sending only miniature pickle chips to a restaurant that asked for full sized ones..
They told him it wasn't a big dill, though.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 16 2020
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, βOh sure. Iβm out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I donβt have anyone telling me what to do.β
I told him, βTurn right at the next corner.β
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 02 2020
I fear of running out of dad jokes one day
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 26 2019
Figure this one out, get a compliment!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 12 2019
We should watch out for this one.
π︎ 19
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︎ Aug 02 2019
βDad, did you know that one out of four kids in the world still faces hunger?β
Dad: Someone should immediately turn that kid around.
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︎ Nov 23 2019
I think tech YouTubers should be reviewing new shovels when new ones come out.
The technology in those things are ground breaking.
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︎ Nov 03 2019
Did you hear about the young genie who got a job and moved out of his parents' lamp to a one bedroom necklace?
π︎ 567
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︎ Mar 01 2019
I bearly made it out of this one
π︎ 53
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︎ Feb 10 2019
A quick one before I log out
π︎ 17
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︎ Aug 25 2019
After one too many jokes about farm animals, my wife couldn't take it anymore. She told me to get out.
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︎ Oct 12 2019
I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. "Wow", I thought to myself..
Pelikinesis is a real thing.
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︎ Aug 23 2019
Salmon are born in a river, swim out to sea for most of their lives, and then one day years later swim back against insurmountable odds to the very spot where they were born.
And I canβt find my car in the parking lot.
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︎ Nov 22 2019
I was up the creek without a paddle, so had to make one out of salmon eggs...
After that, I roe-ed my boat to back to civilization, where I share my wonderful sense of humor!
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π
︎ Nov 05 2019
My dad pulled this one out after I said "we want oak floors"
π︎ 9
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︎ Sep 15 2019
I caught my milkman drinking out of one of my cartons this morning...
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 25 2019
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?"
Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
π︎ 96
π
︎ Mar 28 2019
A teenager's car won't start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.
Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.
The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.
"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"
"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
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︎ Apr 06 2019
Iβll let you figure this one out
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 18 2019
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies βI just did some homework.β The robot slaps the son. The son then says βOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.β
Dad asks βWhat movie were you watching?β The son replies βFinding Nemoβ. The robot slaps the son. He then sais βOkay, okay. We were watching pornβ
Dad said βWhat?! At your age I didnβt know what porn was.β The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says βWow. He certainly is your son.β
The robot slaps the mother.
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π
︎ Sep 15 2018
The blind date was going badly until we found out we shared one thing...
π︎ 12
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︎ Sep 23 2019
A month ago I was kidnapped because my husband is a wealthy landowner. It turns out, all the kidnappers wanted was one of his quarries. It's a very profitable quarry, to be sure, but still.
Now I know what it feels like to be taken for granite.
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︎ Aug 20 2019
I was in Bangkok with my wife recently. I suggested we check out one of the many temples.
She said βwat pho?β
And I said βidk just to get a little culture?β
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 18 2019
That's actually one way to weed out Candidates.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 10 2019
I really have a thing for dumb girls. Just met one who can't fill out multiple choices surveys
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 20 2019
I've been referencing the Simpsons movie since it came out...No one has gotten it...So far...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
Life is about changing perspectives and priorities. Heck, I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, but now...
...I don't care if they both are!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 16 2019
For the past year, Iβve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week.
Iβm on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.
π︎ 404
π
︎ Aug 06 2018
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"
The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 10 2019
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
Heβs not looking so good.
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︎ Nov 07 2018
My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, βout and proudβ people would have an entire month of celebration!
Mama said thereβd be gays like this!
Happy Pride Month, yβall. :D
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 02 2019
Two fresh grapes decided to sit together out in the sun one day...
Pretty soon they were raisin kids
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 28 2019
This is one my 7 year old son said to me... I had a closed fist up to my face with my little finger extended and picking food out of my teeth. My thumb was also extended out. He looked at me and with a smirk on his face said to me...
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 17 2019
Whipped this one out at work
One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.
"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."
"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"
At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 21 2015
Hey guys, check this one out
π︎ 43
π
︎ Apr 14 2020
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said βthanks, youβre a lifesaver!β
The first one responded βactually Iβm a KitKatβ
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 08 2020
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said βthanks, youβre a lifesaver!β
The first one responded βactually Iβm a KitKatβ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 08 2020
Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, βIt looks like rain.β His wife says, βYou donβt know that.β To which he replies,
βRudolph The Red knows rain, dear.β
π︎ 90
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said βthanks, youβre a lifesaver!β
The first one responded βactually Iβm a KitKatβ
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 13 2019
Check this one out
π︎ 49
π
︎ Dec 16 2018
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