On the Outs Puns

We had ourselves a regular poo-dunit.

A glazed donut

It all the recycled material...

She replied, “no, first a Gibson, then a Fender”.

Alpaca bag!

We just LOVE Puttin’ on the Ritz!

It's the new dual Cabbage Way

I guess it's true what they say: every cloud has a liver signing.

Luckily the basement tenant doesn’t mind at all.

If only he had fulfilled their man-date, he could have kept his job!

“Beat it. We’re closed!”

I had to explain that I was only buying nails, not tacks.

Or did NASA miss this window of Opportunity?

To find themselves a couple of ghoul friends!

The Police pulled me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a license…

A Finnish hymn.

"It turns out out that they're typically lyres".

You have five fingers.

I call it the peri-periscope.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

Apparently it's illegal to wave a fire arm in public.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

No, Lou Reed.

Turns out the sign was out of order.

but you still have to hand it to him though.

[removed]

"Mow money, mow money, mow money."

Just too many cheet-ahs.

... But Quasimodo had a hunch.

I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

But enough pleasant trees.

That’s because today is a good day to dye!

In fact, it was a ... bidet.

After a while, he comes back and says: "I'm sorry, sir. This is my first day as a cab driver. The last 12 years I've driven a hearse..."

I replied.."Any Style".

It's really scary- I work as a pilot.

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''

No cap

It was a sign.

Because Lisa Kudrow (could row).

I just made that up yesterday at work after greeting a colleague with the same first name. Its original to me but feels obvious enough that I'm sure I'm not the first to think of it, especially after 20 years.