My 13 year old daughter went to the park yesterday and told me she was yelling that she loves ostriches to people walking down the road, she said they kept looking at her weird.
I told her they probably figured she was emu.
My nine year old daughter told me this at dinner: Why is the word “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My six-year old unintentionally dad joked me when I asked him what the capitol of Wisconsin was.
Without skipping a beat he said, “that’s easy - the W.”
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance
My eight-year- old just dropped this one on me after seeing the optometrist
8: Do you have sunglasses?
Dad: no, we didn’t bring them. We didn’t know you were going to get your eyes dilated. Just put your mask over your eyes.
8: No way. I don’t want to get corona-iris!
My 5 year old just ran out of her room to tell me this joke she just thought up: what did the cow say after he was fed?
Moooooooooore!
I've never been this proud of anything in my life.
The old west sheriff told me to adopt a dachshund
He said "Get along little doggy".
My 7 year old daughter just told me this one. I'm so proud. What did the duck say when he bought chapstick?
My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
My seven year old hit me with this one: A dollar comes into the store and asks
Do you sell shoes for a dollar?
My 9 year old just told me this one and I had to share. What's the hardest part about learning to ride a bike.
I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires.
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
As my son proudly handed me my new grandchild, I asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling. Puzzled, my son replied, "No, what?" I explained...
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
My 6 yr. old son greeted me at the door. I told him I have to go to the bathroom real quick…
He said, “number one or two??” 🤨
I said, “two”
He replied, “hehe, more like number POO!!”
Then proceeded to run off laughing at himself… 😂🤣
My 5 year old just channeled some Dad juju: she asked me “why did the worker bee stay in the hive?”
Because she had nowhere else to bee.
my 7 year old daughter told me this one. Why didn't the apple want to date the banana?
Because she didn't find him appealing
I've always read how peoples kids have come up with witty amazing dad jokes.. And finally I can join that club. My 7 year old daughter said this to me today: "Daddy, the eyelash and the lipstick were in a fight"....
But don't worry, they'll make up 🤣🤣
My 10 yr old is really into Cluedo and he was shouting for me. I said “I’m in the lounge” and he shouted back …
“With the candlestick”.
My endless stream of Dad Jokes has rubbed off. I’m very proud!
Told my old lady to meet me at the gym
When she didn't show up, I knew we weren't going to work out.
My 10 year old son got me with this last night: Why did the baker have smelly hands ?
Told to me by my 9 yr-old. Hope it counts as a dad joke. “Why did Superman rob the bank?”
Because he’s the Man of Steal.
Help me remember the punchline to an old joke
I heard this joke probably 35-40 years ago and just thought of it again recently. My dad loved this joke, but I can't remember the punchline.
An older couple had been married for many, many years. So many years in fact that she knew all his jokes my heart. They decided to save time by numbering all of his jokes. While sitting together in their rockers, he would lean over and whisper, "Number 7." She giggled while continuing her knitting. A few minutes later, he learned over again and whispered, "Number 12." This time, she laughed out loud.
Then something funny happens.
My 12 Year Old Son Hit Me With This One Today... What did the traffic light say to the car?
Stop looking I'm changing!
I've been telling my oldest boy who is 12 and my next youngest girl who is 10 dad jokes via text. Feel it's a nice little thing for dad to do. Today he got me! So proud.
My 7 year old son scared me today when he told me about the kidnapping at his school.
He then proceeded to tell me everything was ok after they woke him up.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My 13 year old just asked me "is it called a windshield because it blocks the wind?" I said "Yep, guess what they call the one that blocks the rain?"
A rainshield? she said.
Nope... an umbrella.
True story. Just happened.
Told to me by my seven year old niece… what do you call a mean lady who likes to eat and go to the beach?
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. "What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!"
I've never been so proud.
I could not be more proud of my six year old son. He just asked me, "Dad, why did the kid cross the playground?"
"To get to the other sliiide."
I saw a pair of midgets arguing in the kitchen and it made me think about that old saying...
Two mini cooks spoil the broth.
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
My 5-year-old son told me he learned about the letter "W" in preschool. I asked him what starts with W?
He stopped and looked at me with a completely straight face, said "dub", and went back to playing.
It took me a moment to understand what happened, but I started laughing harder than I have in a while. (He has trouble differentiating between "What starts with x" and "What does x start with")
My almost 4 year old just asked me: what did the fiddle say to the food?
I'm going to eat you.
I'm pretty sure that means either I've made a lot of dad jokes that are rubbing off or I'm a good dad, or possibly (fingers crossed) both.
My old boss was a coward and whenever he fired someone, he always had me type up the email to tell them they were let go. One day I couldn’t take it anymore…
I told him to do his own QWERTY work
My 6 year old told me this one... "Did you hear about the guy who got sick at a funeral?"....
He was Coffin all morning.
So in a stunning turnabout my 8 year old nailed me with a great dad joke. “What’s the worst smelling monster in mythology?”
My 8 year old just told me this one.. What does the minister say when you marry a computer?
I now pronounce you man and wifi.
My wife, tired, looked over at me next to the cot where our 5 day old daughter lay.
"Has she gone?" she asked me, questioning whether she's fallen asleep.
I peered over inside the cot and answered,
"Nope, she's still there."
(True story from last night)
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady.
"I want you to take my husband's teeth out.
An old man at the bank asked me to help him check his balance
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance
An old lady at the bank told me to check her balance
An old man at the bank asked me to check his balance.
An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance.
I took my 8 year old girl to the office with me on "take your kid to work day". As we were walking around the office, she started crying and getting very cranky, so I ask her what was wrong.
As my co-workers gather round, she sobbed loudly "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!"
As my son proudly handed me my new grandchild, I asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling. Puzzled, my son replied, "No, what?" I explained...
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
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