After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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What did Jack yell when he angrily chopped down his favorite tree in The Nightmare Before Christmas?

Tiiimmmmmmbbeeerrrrrrr-ton

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obrocheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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I told me therapist, β€œLast night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”

Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I had a terrifying experience with my therapist after trying to get over of my reoccurring nightmares with the Backstreet Boys. Me: I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: Tell me why

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigaylowry
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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My kid had a nightmare about monsters and threw the linen off his bed.

He was scared sheetless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush (good horror movie titles, btw)...

It's plumb crazy, but I have pipe dreams!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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What did the inventor of the walkie-talkie call a nightmare?

A screamie dreamie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NuccSucc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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A dad replied to a comment on a /r/AskReddit thread titled "Customers of restaurants that's appeared on Gordon Ramsey's kitchen nightmares, what was the food actually like before and after the show helped the resturant?"

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4stjtt/customers_of_restaurants_thats_appeared_on_gordon/d5c5il9?context=1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy_Chives
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2016
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If β€œa dream is a wish the heart makes...”

Does that make a fart a nightmare of the stomach?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TDBear18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"

Nothing

Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"

Doesn't crack a smile

Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"

Clown starts to get nervous

Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"

Blank look

Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"

Yawn

Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"

Annoyed

Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"

grasping at straws

Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"

He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"

Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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I had a dream about being buried by vodka bottles after an earthquake!

It was an Absolut nightmare! I am glad to have woken and seen the world and Skyy again...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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What would you name a book that's about a horse's dreams in the middle ages?

The Nightmares of a Knight's Mare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vernal59
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Did you hear about the horse that only slept during the day?

The owners said it was a real nightmare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Marklar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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[Request] Blog name suggestions (the punnier the better)

I'm starting a blog as a disabled writer consisting of anecdotal posts about the funny, but unusual circumstances my disability and wheelchair put me in. Any names that come to mind? Particularly fond of blogs titles like Laughing at My Nightmare and Bag Lady Moma. I'm in a wheelchair and have 24/7 care, my disability is Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA)... go as wild as you like

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessdon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
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The son woke up terrified

He went to his dad and said I had a nightmare. So the dad said tell me about it. Well I was on a train full of bombs. It was freight-ening

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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What did the crow say when his friend got run over by a hit and run driver?

Caw the Cawps!

Backstory - my daughter woke up this morning telling me about her nightmare - I was driving her down a road, and kept running over crows in the road, she would look back and would see crows mourning over their friends. We had to keep driving back and forth through the same road because we kept forgetting something at home, along the way running over more crows.

I told her this joke, she didn't think it was too funny. My other daughter thought it was funny though. Now she keeps walking around saying "Caaaaw the caaaaaawps" in a high crowy voice. I'll regret telling her the joke by the end of the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jellyjack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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My soon-to-be 6year old got me Good

So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song

You know, "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine."

And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I go on for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Although it's only acceptable in the car.

Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words.

Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing?

Obvs sunshine dude.

So I start with the "look at this stuff, isn't it neat?"

And she's not screaming, she has a smile on her face so my mind is like "did she become ok with this, can I finally sing a different song than sunshine and eponas song?" So I keep going thinking that I finally won.

I get to the line, "Fliiping your fins, you won't get too **fart!"

I'm fucking dead this kid played me like a fiddle.

Someone call 911 I'm ded

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juksayer
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: β€œHey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: β€œWhat, George?”


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. β€œEvenin’” says the barman, β€œwhy the long face?”


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: β€œWait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: β€œThis alright?” The barman says: β€œHmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: β€œI shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” β€œWhy, what have you got?” β€œAbout Β£2 and a carrot.”


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

β€œI’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. β€œWe don’t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. β€œExcuse me, good sir,” the horse says, β€œare you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, β€œSorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. β€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?”


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? β€œI’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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My Calc teacher has the making for a great dad

Him: I had a nightmare two weeks ago.

Class: what was it about?

Him: I thought I was a wigwam(A native American tent). In my dream i had people living inside of me. It was terrify, I broke out in a cold sweat. Then a few days later i had another nightmare, but this time I was a tepee. And again had people living inside of me. So i went to the doctor and the doctor told me "I was two tents"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acheang
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Dad joke on the radio

I was listening to a show on the radio and they were talking about nightmare interviews. One person said they'd been asked by the interviewer what type of soup they would be if they were a soup. The discussion continued until this happened:

Host: So what are the other soups you work with like?

Other person: They're pretty SOUPer.

I have to say, it made me chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flobadoba33
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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My son had a nightmare, and threw the linens off his bed.

He was scared sheetless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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