This is the last thing I need
When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils....they dilate.
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
Last Halloween a girl dressed as the grim reaper came to my door with messy hair and asked me politely to fix it.
That night, I had a brush with death.
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
Did you know that Yoda's last name is leheehoo?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..
It’s because they di-late
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I had to finish the last half of my golf match naked.
I was only dressed to the nines.
I was interrogated by the police last week
They asked me "are you more of a skirt or a handbag?"
I thought about it for a second and confidently chose handbag.
"So you admit it! You're an accessory!"
The last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket?
I wonder how far I can kick this bucket
Last year i went to paris and tried to climb the tallest building
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
Always the last place you look
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
A panda escaped the zoo last night.
There was mass panda-monium.
Watched the origami world championships last night,
It was on pay-per-view.
Bit of a scam though,
Both teams folded.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
What do you call the last prawn in your prawn cocktail?
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
I couldn't sleep last night so I read a dictionary
By 03:00 I was past caring.
The start of my every last paragraph of my essays.
Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....
.....the mammothematician.
Dude, did you see the full moon last night?
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
My career as a street fighter didn't last very long.
I broke my hand punching a curb.
A man took a bullet to the face in a shooting last week. If anyone has any information please call city police.
The only thing they have to go on is the mug shot.
What was the last thing to go through a fly's mind as he hit the windshield?
My wife accused me of taking the last donut
It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.
Just went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Our friend Carlos got his car stolen last month.
I saw a Werewolf behind the bus stop last night....Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Watching my kid throw my brand new phone out the window is the last thing I wanted to see today...
“Dad, did you remember to move the clocks forward last night?”
‘Yeah, but they fell off the shelf.”
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily
Guess she just wasn’t a keeper
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
What part of your body, dies last?
Your pupils, as they dielate
Why are pupils the last part of your body to die?
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
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