I saw my maths teacher walking down the corridor holding some graph paper
I think he's plotting something
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︎ Oct 03 2022
I knew a guy who developed joint problems in hands from holding the steering wheel in traffic.
He said he was always stuck in traffic jams on the bridge, so stressed out that he clenched the wheel.
Sounds to me like he needed to take the car-pool-tunnel instead!
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︎ Dec 14 2022
What is the name of a woman holding a bee in each hand?
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 07 2022
Saw a guy walking around the Olympic village holding a nine foot stick. I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He responded, "No, I'm German. And how did you know my name was Walter?"
π︎ 3k
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︎ May 23 2022
What did the man say while holding a tack over his head?
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︎ Jun 28 2022
What if the sun is really a doctor holding a light to our eyes trying to get us to wake up from a nightmare?
Everyone, join me in staring directly at the sun. We must wake up and be free of these lies.
β β β β β β β β β β β β
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︎ Jun 23 2022
Some of you never tested a coil by holding the wire
While your dad turned the engine over and it shows
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︎ Jul 12 2022
What did the carpenter holding a hammer during a construction emergency say to his apprentice?
This is not a drill.
(Adapted from my father's day graphic Tshirt gift, apologies if it's a repost. Totally unintentional.)
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︎ Jun 25 2022
I attended a paleontology lecture last evening. The speaker came onto the stage holding a dinosaur skull and he tripped...
What happened next was jaw dropping.
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︎ Jul 07 2022
A boy and his father are walking down the street when the boy notices a group of people stood next to a building holding matchboxes and Jerry cans.
The boy asks his father βDad,are those people setting fire to that building?β. The father replies βYes, they arsonβ
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︎ Mar 17 2022
I had the worst day at work yesterday. I was having bad indigestion and holding in my farts when I was called into my boss's office. Without saying a word, my boss handed me a termination letter. I was so upset, I tore it up, and...
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︎ Apr 12 2022
Standing in the produce area of the grocery store, holding up a melon.....
Once you get married, you cantalope
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︎ Mar 04 2022
I took my son to the art gallery, and he seemed to have a great time! He was not only impressed by the art, but also what was holding itβ¦..
I guess you could say he was easel-y amused!
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︎ Dec 22 2021
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 30 2019
As my wife and I were making Greek for dinner tonight, I told her to be very careful with the cheese container she was holding.
The feta of the world was in her hands.
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︎ Nov 21 2021
The apocalypse is upon us! How is everyone holding up?
I have shot 3 zombies myself so far. Why are they all carrying candy?
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︎ Oct 31 2021
A car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Aug 05 2018
A man recently pulled up to a gas station and started to pump gas while still holding his lit cigarette. The fuel nozzle's shutoff switch failed to engage when his tank was full & fuel shot out on to the man's arm. The fuel immediately caught fire. A cop that was driving by stopped and shot the guy
Apparently it's illegal to wave a fire arm in public.
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︎ Aug 07 2021
A man walks into a tattoo parlour holding a small bird in his hands. The tattoo artist looks at him, confused.
The man asked, "Tit for tat?"
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︎ May 22 2021
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
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︎ Feb 04 2021
During the Olympics, I met a European man holding 2 large sticks.
I asked him "Are you by any chance a pole- vaulter?"
He looked surprised "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?"
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︎ May 09 2021
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...
And then the penne dropped.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but Iβm holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Saw a photo of a shack that had bailing twine holding the walls up
I gotta say, it really tied the room together...
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︎ Apr 08 2021
After years of holding out on me, my friend finally told me the secret ingredient in his cooking.
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︎ Jun 23 2019
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
βDad says if you kick it, weβll be rich!!β
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︎ Nov 06 2019
I'm holding a 17th Century Party, and all the Enlightenment thinkers can swing by - except one.
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I was sitting at home the other day when man broke in holding a block of cheese.
He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.
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︎ May 05 2020
I want to create a sculpture of all the things that are holding humanity back.
I'd call it "statue of limitations".
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Last week I was on the edge of a cliff, holding on to a box full of shredded cheese. I loved that box, but I knew I had to let it go. I didnβt want to...
But it was for the grater good
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 16 2020
In light of the recently release video of the democrats vs republicans asking why they are holding off the vote
What did the democrat say to the republican at the dinner?
Will you pass the bill already?!
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︎ Nov 01 2019
The head of Big Cat Rescue and the female antagonist in the hit Netflix documentary has been arrested after holding up an ice cream shop.
Police are reporting that it was Baskin-Robbins.
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︎ Apr 28 2020
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
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︎ Jul 06 2020
I was queuing up to get into the supermarket yesterday. Dwayne Johnson was in front of me. Behind me was a fish holding the trolley above his head!
I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice
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︎ Apr 10 2020
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 09 2020
To all the protesters holding up the "I need a haircut" signs, we should all be yelling...
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 24 2020
Iβve just been helping a man wearing a black robe holding a scythe get the frost off of his car
I was de-icing with death
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︎ Dec 02 2019
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied βItβs onβ. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling βItβs on okay bring it no holding back!β
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︎ Oct 25 2019
I saw this fish the other day holding a roll of chicken wire...
... I thought, that makes sense, itβs a swordfish, theyβre good at fencing.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 14 2020
Danger, Fear, and Panic came knocking at my door. It'd been ten years since the last visit, and all holding clipboards, were ready to begin the inquisition. Nervously, I opened the door and prepared myself to answer their calling.
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︎ Mar 05 2020
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