The Great Wife Hope Puns

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>

So my wife's birthday was coming up, and she really loves absinthe. Lately she had been talking about visiting some bars or restaurants that served it, so I decided to splurge a bit and buy her a set of glasses and spoons, along with a nice bottle of "the green fairy."

Doing a little research, I discovered that a local distillery produced a well-regarded version of it, so I decided to hit a few liquor stores around town to see if they carried it. As luck would have it, the first place I went to did have some in stock.

I took it up to the counter and got into a conversation with the cashier. I explained how this was going to be a birthday present for my wife, and hopefully it would score me a few points in the romance department. His response: "Well, you know what they say--absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!"

I was dumbstruck. He started to apologize for his "corny joke" (as he put it), but I waved him off and was finally able to commend him on his brilliance. The best part of all--I have a great dadjoke I can repeat to co-workers and family members (or anyone else who will listen) for repeated eye rolls and exasperated groans.