He is a microbiologist
"I didn't say she was insane", exclaims Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy."
They were never gonna give Hugh Up. They were never gonna let Hugh down.
...he considered them a flight risk.
They got Hugh.
Hey Pell.
http://gfycat.com/SkinnyVeneratedGoldeneye
He wasnβt a flight risk.
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
And now I live with Snow White and six other dwarves in the forest...
And yes, I do have to tell them all to stop feeling me all the time.
He was on cloud nein.
EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short
The newspaper headline reads, "LOCAL MAN HAS FOUR CHINS!"
A genie-ologist.
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
Because the bank did not grant him the rank of Mastercard.
The fairy codmother
It's Gone
A guy pulls up to a restaurant in a sports car with an ostrich in the passenger seat. He heads inside and sits down at a table with the ostrich. He finishes his meal and itβs time for the check of $31.43.
When the server walks over the guest hands him exactly $31.43 from his pocket. βOops, I forgot the tipβ he says, and hands the server $6.29 (20%) straight from his pocket without looking.
Server: Uhh thanks for the tip, but how did youβ¦ never mind. I gotta ask, whatβs the deal with the bird?
Guest: Well, about a year ago I found this magic lamp, and a genie popped out and granted me 3 wishes. So of course my first wish was a sports carβ¦
Server: thatβs foolish, you could have wished for anything.
Guest: true, thatβs why my second wish was a bit more practical. I wished to always have the exact amount of money I need in my pocket.
Server: smart, but againβ¦ whatβs with the bird?
Guest: (looks over at ostrich) oh her? My 3rd wish was for a chick with long legs.
My wish would have far reaching consequences.
After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "if you give me free beer I'll show you something really cool." The bartender agrees and the man pulls out a tiny pianist. The bartender asks him how he got that tiny pianist and he tells him there is a wizard outside granting wishes, imeddiately the bartender runs outside, he then comes back in 5 minutes later and says "I asked for 1 million bucks and he gave me 1 million ducks!" To which the man responds "you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Granted my son is known for corny (akadad) jokes but this one is a gem and Iβm so proud I knew I had to share it here.
Two men were stranded in the desert for about a week with no food or water. They were getting pretty desperate.
One of the men saw a tree in the distance. It was simply covered in bacon. So much bacon that there were no leaves to be seen. More bacon than the two of them could eat in a week. They were saved!
After sharing his discovery with his companion; the man began to run towards the tree, the scent of bacon overwhelming his senses.
Right before he reached his goal he was surrounded by many men firing repeatedly at him. He was struck by several bullets from all directions.
Too late he realized it had not been a bacon tree that he had seen, instead it was a ham bush.
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
One grants wishes and the other wishes for grants
His parents used to put him on the window sill where he could watch the other children playing.
Then one day his fairly god mother appeared and grant him 3 wishes.
For his first wish, he wished for a body and pow, it appeared.
Second, he wished for arms and pow, they appeared
So third, he wished for some legs and pow, they appeared.
Thats absolutely fantastic he said and without any hesitation he jumped off his window sill and ran outside to play with all the other children....and bang, he was hit by a truck.
Moral of the story is he should have quite while he was a head!
Staring blankly for a moment and wondering if the gift had been truly granted the man said to himself, "Fuck, I shoulda taken the money."
...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.
"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichΓ©d as it was, I said World Peace."
"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.
"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"
"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"
"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."
"Did it work??" asked the first man.
"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's Β£10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."
"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"
"I wished for a giant orange head."
A genie tells a man: "I shall grant you 3 wishes"
The man says: "I wish for a world without lawyers"
The genie says: "Done. You have no more wishes"
The man protests: "Wait! You said 3!"
The genie replies: "Oh yeah? Sue me π"
[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]
The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.
"It is my great privilege β well, it's my privilege β actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.
Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:
"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."
"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."
"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."
[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."
"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."
"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "
"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."
"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)
"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."
[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com
... keep reading on reddit β‘Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
The eldest brother picks it up, rubs it, and a genie pops out. "Alas, you have freed me!" he said. "For my freedom i shall grant each of you a wish." The first brother knew exactly what he wanted. "I wish i was home!" In a flash, he disappeared. The genie then looked to the middle brother. "I wish i was home too!" In another flash of light, he was gone. The youngest brother sat and began to cry, now being all alone on the island. He bawled his little eyes out before crying out "I wish my brothers were back."
Thanks u/Nightmuse11 for their joke reminding me of this one.
The Genue saud, βWeurd wush but U wull grant ut.β
I met a magical genie, he gave me a single wish.
I said; "I wish I could be you."
The genue saud; "weurd wush, but okay, U wull grant ut."
The genue saud, "Weurd wush but OK u wull grant ut."
The genue saud "Weurd wush, but U'll grant ut."
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
But the judge tells him...
" I'm sorry Mickey.. But I can't grant you a divorce just because you say your wife is a little weird."
Mickey says..
" I didn't say she was a little weird... I said she was Fucking Goofy !"
