Why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnEvilSunBro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time

The spacebar

πŸ‘︎ 256
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Why did the cheese go to jail?

He was exhibiting bad brie-havior

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/witch-bitch-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?

Egypt his tooth.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joeburgs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
If the devil were to go bald...

I bet there would be hell toupee.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He was there to see a chicken strip

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Truthpaste62
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t trump go to the White House anymore?

Because it’s FOR BIDEN

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arminfcb10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the balloon factory go out of business?

Too much inflation

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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Why did I have a hard time letting go of the small branch?

Because it was a little sticky.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElizabethCD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the one armed man go

To the second hand shop

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TabbyReddit07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the hamburger go to the gym?

To get nice buns

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Mechatronix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the car thieves go to celebrate after a successful robbery?

Carrabba’s.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idontgiveAdam333
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...

And he said, β€œBecause your mother is always right.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the sushi chef go to the capitol riots?

To protest the Unagi Ration.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cat-dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the mathematician go to the Otolaryngologist (ear nose throat doctor/surgeon)?

He was having problems with his sin(x)s

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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I asked my dog Regina why she wouldn’t go and get the ball I threw...

She said, β€œQuit trying to make β€˜fetch’ happen.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't Ana go to the fruit store?

Because they ban Ana.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notBjoern
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the stripper go to vote ?

She went to the Poles

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the case of the toilet bandit go cold?

They had nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ycarusbog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did a car go to the gym?

To refine it's ABS

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sujan111257
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Toothirty

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eddiespaghettio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do kings and queens go to the dentist?

For a crown.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the German go to so many aromatherapy venues?

He likes a lot of spas

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frederik_engberg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the sun go to college?

It already has like a million degrees!

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldbeardsdelight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best time to go to a watch store?

For a clock.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.

It’s a real game changer

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/struggling-here
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because its P is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...

'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THOT_Patroller-13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
When’s the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watercolorfiddle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one

It was our last resort...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DOU8LEJ480
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when all the cows the dairy farm go mad?

Udder Chaos

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwaldrip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does rockstar, Brian Johnson go to the US capital to cool off?

Because there's an AC in DC.

(Someone improve this joke.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turn_ncough
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Lets go back to the future!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ki00b
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
First, I posted this on r/jokes but it didn't get much love. Then I realized I posted it on the wrong joke sub. Y'all love the punny jokes, so here you go:

Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?

Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?

oh wait.........

Credit goes to Matt from Studio C

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lickedy_Split_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the horticulturist go to night school?

To learn thyme management

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sir_anarchist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the pedal go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling depressed.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gut86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Were did the bee go pee?

At the BP station

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoSprinkles6127
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked what’s that go to do with anything..

I said it’s because it’s pasture bedtime.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBadMerman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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