"A person always wins!"
Just kidding :)
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
I said, “Hey, you missed a T.”
Because he Missed-A-T.
They were literally born yesterday!
We start talking about Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
"He must be a king." "How do you know?" "He 'asn't got shit all over 'im."
Dad says "CSI:Medieval!"
He laughed at his own joke so hard I thought he was going to hurt himself.
A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”
I pity the fool who missed their tea!!!
Me: Seriously!?
Wife: It's a prank! Happy April Fools!
Me: You mean you're not pregnant?
Wife: No, I mean you're not the father.
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
This is the ultimate April Fools' joke.
I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.
Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage
Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.
Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!
I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.
One April Fools eve, my wife went to bed early. Just shortly after 12:01am, I went in to bed. I noticed I woke her up and I immediately said, “Can you make the kids lunch?” She was so pissed at me and stormed out the bedroom only to find the kids lunch already made in the fridge! AAAAAppppprrrriiiilll FFFooooooolllllllllsss!!
Edit: Didn’t get laid that night.
It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.
Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.
When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.
The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.
The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.
Scissors always cut to the point.
Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.
When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.
Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”
i c e i c e w a t e r
Architecture is an aspiring career path.
‘Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.
I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.
Plants should always rooted in the ground.
Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.
Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.
Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.
Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.
My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.
I am not a fan of wind turbines.
Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.
Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.
Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.
Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.
A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.
I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.
Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.
Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.
In a village just outside Sherwood Forest lived Old Robinhood, he had lived a very exciting life with his band of merry men, and his cause of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and had a fantastic time doing it. He even had a sign outside his door that said, Robinhood, Bandit - but somehow the law never seemed to have noticed and he had lived in plain sight, doing good deeds, giving away money anonymously and living for the cause.
But now age had started to catch up and not being as nimble as he once was close escapes had started to get uncomfortably close. So he decided to retire and hand over the leadership of his band to his son.
So, Robin called his son over to him and said, ‘Son, I want you to take over from me as leader of the merry men. Steal and pillage all you want, but never forget the cause - we only take from the rich to give to the poor’.
‘Father, I will do as you say’ said Robin’s son whose name was Robinson, ‘but tell me one thing, why do you stay anonymous when giving money away?
Why not let people know of your good deeds - you have a sign outside that says bandit and you’ve never been caught, why not add the cause to the sign and say ‘Robinhood, Bandit, steals from the rich to give to the poor’?
‘Fool, screamed Robin, if you put the cause over the sign then you will get caught’
The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.
I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.
So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.
She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"
I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."
She smacked me.
Dad: Take my advice ...
...I'm not using it ———————————————
Every time my step Dad comes up with a foolproof solution..
along comes a more-talented fool
..dad
———————————————
When I married Ms. Right...
I had no idea her first name was Always.
———————————————
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test
The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
———————————————
He who laughs last
...thinks slowest.
———————————————
Women sometimes make fools of men
...but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
———————————————
I was going to give her the nasty look
..but she already had one.
———————————————
Change is inevitable
...except from a vending machine.
———————————————
The grass may be greener on the other side
...but at least you don't have to mow it.
- [ ]
Every year until I was 12 he would wake me up early and tell me "happy birthday!". As I woke up groggy and happy he then would say "April fool's, see you later!" And left my bedroom laughing.
It's the one curse of being born on April 2nd.
One of the kids in my high school class was born on April's Fool and his dad missed his birth because when his mom called to say she was in labour he laughed and hung up on her.
A wealthy man who occasionally dabbled in black-market affairs was strolling through town one day. One of his associates came running up to him with some bad news. "Sir, the shipment from Singapore is late" his associate said. "DO NOT talk to me about these affairs in public you fool!" the wealthy man blurted back. "My apologies, sir. Would you prefer to discuss this in your home?" his associate replied. The wealthy man responded "Yes, please speak to me in the manor to which I'm accustomed."
There once was a Viking by the name of Rudolph the Red. One day, whilst tending to his fields, Rudolph spotted rain clouds on the horizon. He immediately dropped what he was doing and ran inside his hut to tell his wife.
"Honey, there are dark clouds on the horizon. The rains' will be here any minute" he said. She scoffed at him, "Rudolph you old fool. How could you possibly know that?" Angered by this, Rudolph turned to her and said...
"Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"
His wife's due date was today, but nothing has happened yet. She will have the upper hand all day tomorrow. I can just see these happening.
Wife: "Honey, it's finally happening."
Husband: "What? Are you going into labor?"
Wife: "It's finally April Fools Day."
Wife: "Honey, it broke."
Husband: "What? Your water broke?"
Wife: "Water's still fine, I just broke my nail."
*After somewhat making a fool of myself while out for dinner"
> My mum: "There's so many ways you can take the piss outta Ben."
> Me: "Yeah, like with a Catheter."
Giggles and groans ensue.
I was in the supermarket with my dad when we passed by a giant cooler fool of seafood.
He got my attention and pointed at a sign beside the cooler, reading ATTENTION: THIS AREA IS MONITORED BY CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION AT ALL TIMES before saying:
"I'm glad the management is making sure nothing FISHY is going on!"
This morning my friend and I were exchanging conversation about what our dad's usually do to prank us on April 1st. My dad always calls and says he was in a horrible car accident and broke a limb. It's never funny, but he laughs and laughs so I go with it. My friends Dad however is a classic Dad-joke type of Dad. This year, my friend tells me: >Friend: My dad said Mr. Lion called for me
>Me: Mr. Lion eh?
>Friend: Yea he gave me a number to call, but I haven't called it yet.
>Me: I'll call!
I get the number from him, and the automated message service for the San Diego Zoo clicks on. It's pun-tastic, a fun, and non aggravating April Fools joke.
Dads, Dadholes and mother tolerating fathers rejoice! Dadholes 4 drops in 4 days! The plan is for Dadholes 4 to come out April Fools Day, Dadholes 5 on Mothers Day and Dadholes 6 on Fathers Day. Dying is easy. Being a dad is hard.
What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants.
.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Those damn elephants aren't gonna fool me this time...
My coworker got back from the Essence Festival in New Orleans today and was sharing about it in a group of 4 black people and myself (pretty white). Her: Bourbon st. is so overrated, we just went back to the apartment at 1:30 when some fools started shooting. Me: What? Why'd you leave just when the party started poppin'!?
Groans and laughs were had by all...
It was my friend's 15th birthday and for his party his dad drove a bunch of his mates to the local aquatic centre. On the way there he started asking us what we'd been doing with our time and we told him about the band we'd just formed.
We went through each of our band members and what each of us played. Finally got to our last member (who was renowned for being very clumsy and a bit of a class clown) and told him that he played bass. His reply?
"Huh, I thought he'd be playing the fool"
Everytime I went over to my friends house as a kid, when I walk in the house his Dad was always there to greet me first and ask "what's up?" and I always responded with something simple like "nothing". Everytime I responded saying "nothing", the bastard responded with "didn't ask what ya knew!" He did this to me so much that I was scared to go over to my friends house because I knew he'd ask the question, I'd get nervous, say "nothing" and him make me look like a fool again. Maybe this is why I don't trust anybody..
Row, row, row your boat, Underneath the stream, Haha, fooled you all, I’m a submarine.
I said, “Hey, you missed a T.”
I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”
