I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.
Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they would like to drink.
Then the rabbi says: "Just give me a tea, so I can become an overused joke."
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The Doctor said I should drink more Scotch
Also, I’m now calling myself The Doctor
Two guys at a bar order drinks. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "Yeah, I'll have some H2O too."
So anyways the barista Taylor goes to hand me my drink....
And I said "thanks a latte."
What is the best month to drink a lot of beer?
What state has the smallest drinks ?
I made a little igloo out of the ice in my drink.
The dictator liked the drink...
I went to the grocery store and the sign said no food or drinks inside.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
A string goes into a bar, the bartender asks: "Would you like a drink"?
String: "I'm a frayed knot."
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.
I’m at wedding and I’m very thirsty so I am walking all around the whole ballroom looking for something to drink.
I can’t find the punchline.
The 21st century is now old enough to drink.
And you thought the sober years were bad
All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?
Because the bartender keeps saying, “Can I get U anything?”
Anyone: I’m gunna run down to the convenient store and get something to drink.
Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.
Who can drink petrol in the family?
Hear about that superhero knock-off group that keeps ordering drinks but pour out all the liquid?
Apparently they call themselves the Just Ice League
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy...
It's one part rum, three parts pum.
(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)
What's the most chaotic drink?
- Me: why the heck is there small rodents in my drink?
- Waiter: you asked for some mice!
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
What's the fastest drink in the world?
Milk! It's pastureyes before you seen it!
Why did the Marxist only drink green tea?
Because all proper tea is theft!
Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...
"What's the equation? (occasion)"
I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...
He said no, but it was worth a shot.
I told the dentist my teeth were hurting so he told me to go home and drink some Whiskey
A neutron goes up to the bar and orders a drink.
When asking the bartender how much it costs they reply “For you? No charge.”
Where's the one place it's acceptable to drink and drive?
The password is “you need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
What’s the Tasmanian devils favorite drink?
The government started banning alcoholic drinks, so I'm selling liquor in secret.
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
My health science teacher said to drink milk to neutralize the acid in bleach
I told her she told us a lye
What is the alcoholic outdoorsman’s favorite drink?
In the morning I drink my primary milk
later on I drink my secondary
My kids got on the subject of lava & asked: “Can you drink it?!”
So I said, “Sure! But it’ll go right through you!”
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
