The Chimes Puns

"Study abroad? I'd study a broad."

I said, "Honey, are you feeling okay? I don't think there are any grocery stores out here in the wilderness."

My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue.

“Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..”

My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?”

My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?”

My journey to the dark side has been complete.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!” Reply

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

“Is your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.

The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.

Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.

“We played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.

Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.

“We gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.

“Okay, and what did you have for breakfast?”

“Pea soup.”

“Lunch?”

“Pea soup.”

The boys started sniggering.

“What’s so funny? And what about dinner?”

“Nothing dad. We had pea soup too.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”

Bursting out laughing, they all said:

“Pee soup.”

We were explaining the word depth and how it relates to the word of deep.

Kid can't say the word depth. So he said:"the entire univuse is pretty Def right dad?!"

I chimed in immediately: "I'm sure it is kiddo universe due to the too few ears in it."

and my teacher starts counting wavelengths to help us learn a concept. "One lambda, two lambda, three lambda" suddenly I chime in "man, I thought I was the only one trying to fall asleep here". My teacher looked at me obviously ready to scold me but before he does I proudly explain myself "Get it? Like counting sheep!". Believe me, the groan my classmates gave me was one for the ages.

So my coworkers and I were sitting around and chatting, and someone brings up how her ex boyfriend always wanted this $90 wok. So she bought it for him for Christmas or something and he never uses it. After everyone gets done with their "What a dick" comments, I chime in with "I guess you could say he talked the talk, but didn't wok the wok" Groans and highfives all around.

Her boss replied "yeah, we got a bit of a hotdesk arrangement"

I chimed in and said "Well if it's a hotdesk, you could always turn the fan on."

She was not impressed.

As they order their drinks, the bartender asks, “Who’s paying for these?”

The skunk says “Don’t look at me, I’ve only got one scent”

The doe replies “not me, I haven’t had a buck in years!”

The duck answers “Sorry, I only have one bill on me”

Finally, the giraffe chimes in “Don’t worry guys, the high balls are on me”

So my girlfriend and I went to a petting zoo over the weekend. We were wandering around and watched an encounter with a young boy (probably 2) and a chicken. The boy was was following the chicken around clucking and waving his arms, with his father close behind.

The chicken became curious and darted towards the little boy, with that he screams and runs behind his dad. Without missing a beat, the dad chimes 'Woah, easy there - don't get startled or I'll be chicken your wrist for a pulse'

We made eye contact and I gave him the chuckle he deserved.

I was volunteering at a tree-identification event at a local park with about 15 people from work when I chimed in on the following exchange.

Leader: Alright, we've identified a couple of types of maplewood. Can anyone tell me what kind of tree THIS is? (points to a tree)

Someone: is it... it's a Dogwood?

Leader: Very good! Can anyone tell us how we know that it's a Dogwood?

Me: Because of its... bark.

Everyone: groans into laughter

I took a bow (or bough).

My folks came up to visit. My mom flubbed the coffee, putting the grounds in the water chamber and she had to disassemble it and clean it before making coffee. Once we had piping hot cups all around my dad chimes in with this:

"You know, messing up the coffee is grounds for divorce."

I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names we’ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you haven’t heard of “Cytoplasm XXXXXXX”? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who I’d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off “Cytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?” My manager chimes in “wow you memorized a lot from bio” I told her I went to college for science shit but “now here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks college” to which my neighbor replies.... “I guess now you could say you’re a PROkaryote

Driving yesterday when a rabbit ran across the highway.. I joking said to my wife, I almost ruined Easter, I almost ran over the Easter Bunny. My 16 year old chimed in... nah dad you missed it by a hare.

My family and I attended a dinner this evening with my sister's housemates and all of their families - the first time everyone was meeting. As we all browse the menu someone makes the comment that that they didn't like the duck at this restaurant and my father immediately had to chime in.

Dad: You're completely right, it's not all its quacked up to be.

Thanks Dad.

Where I work, we have a honeybee hive and sell the honey in our market.

A pair of beekeepers were in the other day to extract some combs and before they left, they asked us (my Hispanic coworkers and myself) if we wanted to see them.

Both of my coworkers exclaimed, "Si, si!" and I promptly chimed in, "No, they aren't c's - they're bees!"

Audibly groans were had, I am ready for fatherhood.

Visiting home, in the car with my mother and father; mother asks what I'd like for Christmas. I respond indifferently, saying I'm unsure, at which point my father chimes in:

"Would you like some corduroy pillows?"

"Uh...?"

"Yeah, I hear they're making headlines."

Last night at a restaurant, my son started to spell out things he wanted. Wether it was to annoy us, or keep my 4 year old daughter in the dark on the different kinds of ice cream, he succeeded on both fronts. Anyways, my wife goes "Enough, stop!". And he proceeds to go " e-n-o-u-g-h s-t-o-p". Then I chime in and say "one more time, and your in trouble, you are very annoying, use your words".

After a blank look on his face for a few seconds, the kind he and I both get when we are plotting something, he looks at me and simply says..... " Okay"

So I'm in the kitchen with my brother and dad and I told my brother he wasn't my family and he then said "yes we are we have the same genes" Then my dad chimes in and says "no you don't your brother has a 31'32 Jeans".

She used the word congealed. I told her I like the word coagulate better. Her dad then chimes in with "Coagulate: when two dogs wag their tails in unison."

Sorry kids, the truck only rings the chimes when he has none left.

Staged perfectly in the ever scentiful Bath&Body works at a mall.

Me: "Hey mom, do you know a guy named Champ?"

Mom:"Champ, is that a nickname?"

Me: "No, its his actual name."

Sister chimes in "Well whats his last name?"

Me: purposeful "Huh?"

Sis: "Champ who?"

Me: ":)"

Sis: "-GROAN- God fucking damn it."

So my family and I went to a local diner over the weekend and the ordering went like this.

Waitress: Hello everyone welcome to the Diner!

What are you guys having to eat this morning?

Mom: I'll get the hash with a side of bacon and two eggs please.

Waitress: how do you like your eggs?

Mom: Over easy please!

I chime in: I'll take the steak and eggs. Eggs over medium please!

look over at my dad and he's smirking and I can tell he's up to something

Waitress: and how about for the Dad?

Dad: I'll take the Country Fried Steak please.

Waitress: okay that comes with two sides, what would you like

Dad: I'll take the hash browns and eggs please.

He's smiling.

I'm thinking dad wtf are you doing with that face you're making right now. Please don't tell m you're going to

Waitress: okay Sir how would you like your eggs

Me thinking: OMFG I know wtf he's about to say. Don't you dare dad

Don't you fking dare

Waitress: Sir, how do you like your eggs? Is Over easy okay?

Dad: Over Here if you can.

> > > >

Dad and Mom are going nuts.

My brother and i have our head in hands.

God damnit Dad.

I was talking with my mom about books. I said I rarely read fiction, if I would want fiction's, I'd watch a movie or play a videogame. My mom said she only likes biographies, but "not the ones by different authors, but by the subjects themselves". To which I said:

"You mean autobiographies?"

When my father decided to chime in the topic:

"I'd rather read bicyclebiographies"

me: "what do you mean?"

him: "the opposite".

My brother and I were arguing about something stupid at the dinner table when dad decided to chime in.

Brother: You're not very bright, are you?

Dad: Sure he is, he's so bright I call him son.

Everyone: :I

Me: I'm not hungry anymore.

Dad: After all that soup I hope not.

leaves

My friend, my older brother and I were talking about the sorts of fetishes our past SOs were into. My brother is quiet for most of the conversation, but chimes in near the end:

Him: "I dated a girl in grad school who had a fetish for being quiet."

Me: "Really?"

Him: "Yup. She called it a fetissssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

...

Earlier my family was having a conversation about all the movies based on comic books that have been coming out. Later we were watching tv when a trailer for Exodus came on and this exchange happened.

Sister, "See it's not all comic book movies, some are based on the bible too."

Dad chimes in, "The world's first comic book."

We had just finished dinner and were sitting around the table. My grandma "well..." and starts to get up. My grandpa chimes in with "That's a hole in the ground that you get water from."

Took us both a second to get.

I was hanging out with my dad and grandpa this weekend. My grandpa was talking about how big the airport in LA was compared to Detroit.

My dad chimes in "yeah it's a big airport but I heard the security is pretty LAX" groans ensue

He adds "I heard when you retire from working there they give you a bottle of ex-lax"

That'll do dad. That'll do.

I was riding home with a friend and his dad when we passed by a Mexican restaurant. As we pass it, I mention that I really like their quesodillas, and then he chimes in with "Oh, I could never eat a whole case, I could only eat an each-o-dilla."

Edit: proper grammar

Edit 2: Removed the grammar joke

One Direction's 'Story of My Life' came on the radio. My mother asked who sang this song, and was surprised to find out it was One Direction. My brother and I commented that it didn't really sound like their other songs, and my Dad chimes in, "So I guess they went another direction."

Today at the dinner table, my family and I were discussing wine when my brother says "Yes, but I find wine to be foul!"

My dad, from across the table chimes in "I personally find chicken to be fowl."

A wave of groans and chuckles ensued.

There we are, sitting in my parents living room when my mom asks me "how do I get my iPhone and iPad in sync?" I told her "ask my sister, just hope she doesn't make them in sync on the backstreet" to which my dad chimed in "boy that ain't no lie". So I said "I know. I think I need to go home. Bye bye bye."

So I'm in undergrad right now, on track to apply to dental school and whatnot. My parents came down to visit me and bring me some home cooked goodies. They got hungry so we decided to hit up a BBQ joint. In the car, my mom is scolding me for something (I forget what for) but my reply was that I don't have any patience to do it. She says "Why don't you have any patience?" when my dad chimes in and says "Well, he has to wait until he graduates from dental school before he gets any patients".

Baduhm-tss

A couple we're friendly with have a really cute 3-year-old girl who loves to play with the small animals in the backyard (mostly toads). Recently the girl found a bird a little later than their pet cat did, and didn't realize the bird was dead. Her mom, being a bit strange and not wanting to explain death to her daughter quite yet, puts on a pair of yard gloves and -- when the daughter wasn't looking -- sticks the dead bird up in a tree. Tells her daughter, "look, he's napping in the tree."

At this point in the story I chime in, "Weekend at Birdie's!"

In the car. Husband(H) and son are having an in-depth conversation about LoL skins. Daughter(D) chimes in. D: Are you guys talking about LoL? H: Yup. D: Wow ( with very sarcastic undertone ) H: ( with out missing a beat ) Not WoW, LoL. Groans all around.

My girlfriend and I went to dinner with my parents tonight and one of the specials was crab wontons. My girlfriend asked the server, "how much is the wonton special?" But just before the server could answer, dad chimes in:

"The wonton special? Oh that's about 2000 pounds. I don't know what the price is though." Followed by a shit eating grin.

Thanks for always being so helpful, dad.

Today my mom was talking about someone she knows who isn't making enough money to support her autistic child, so she's getting a second job.

Dad chimes in without missing a beat and says "Jesus, how many art supplies does the kid need?!"

I was at dinner with my family and I spoke up about Chris Squire dying recently and how he was a part of the band Yes.

My sister in law pipes up with: "Ahh, Yes, with their greatest hits: "Mhm" "Yep" "Okay"

With which my brother in law chimes in "There was also Affirmative but that was a little too nerdy for me."

Earlier today, I entered the living room where my parents, younger brother, and some of his friends were hanging out. I proceeded to sit cross-legged (something I don't normally do) on a comfy, unoccupied armchair. My mom stared nostalgically at me and said, "You remind me of my dad. Back when he was alive, he used to sit exactly like that." Without missing a beat, my dad chimed in with, "I guess you could say he is a sitting image of his grandfather."

I was working on the 4th of July. Guy comes in. Orders a burger with a side of French fries. We were out of fries so he decides to order a side soup: French onion. I ring in the order and he goes outside to wait, there were a few other customers out there smoking.

The chef calls the front desk to let me know that we were also out of French onion. It was late at night so this happens occasionally.

I go outside to let him know we were out, so that he can order something else. The other costumers smoking overhear me telling him that "We are out of French onion soup". The guy smoking says "man, you guys are out of French fries too what the heck?"

I chime in "well it is Independence Day."

They all laughed, and the guy ordered the lobster bisk. I high fived myself on the way back to the stand.

Sorry for the lengthy post.

I asked the waiter what was on a dressed baked potato and my dad chimed in with "a suit and tie". The waiter and I lost it while the rest of my family stared.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”