The guards ask: Are you a Visitor?
The emissary replies: No, I am a Visigoth.
But Bill kept the Windows
I screwed up.
A Bill-in-air.
He didn’t have the Al Gore Rhythm
I would have said something but I didn’t want them to take offence
I would have confronted him but I was worried he would have taken a fence
But they blamed Escaped Goat.
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
I didn’t say anything tho just in case he took a fence
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
Nothing, he was gladiator.
Or would that be too forward thinking?
They're all packed and ready to go, they're at the gate now, and they're off.
EDIT: Thankyou everyone for getting me through this Friday these puns have been ridiculously on form except the one guy that tried to offer counselling advice on a joke thread 🙈
It was about a weak back.
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired.
Melinda Gates: Bill, ...you have my Word.
Nothing, it just waved
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
It was riveting.
A happy Uncle.....
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
We couldn't afford a dog...
The invitation said to look sharp.
You know. Roll reversal.
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
“How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
Target.
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
European
"Certainly" replies the butcher. "Once upon a time, there was an ox........."
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
It's nothing special, but it pays the Bills.
