After hours of trying, I finally got the lid off a can
I was watching the rotation of the Earth, but I got bored after 24 hours.
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
After waiting for an hour at the doctor's office the nurse came by and said sorry for the wait...
To which I replied, "No problem, I'm patient."
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
I never wanted to go to the docks, but after my friends pestered me for an hour I finally gave into pier pressure
My daughter's tired of the jokes... After hours of dad jokes she asked me to leave her a loan.
Years later and the loan is worth $23,000
She said she'd trade it for more dad jokes any day<3
Hosted a gender reveal for my pal, it was a cookout after a couple hours they asked when are you going to tell us the gender?
What do you mean? It’s a grill.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
Astronomers got tired of watching the Earth rotate after 24 hours
so they decided to call it a day
What did the constipated man say after unsuccessfully sitting on the toilet for over an hour?
After aimlessly walking around the gym for an hour, something occurred to me.
Alarm clocks are great but the snooze button was even better. Because after sleeping for eight hours, what I need...
My girlfriend showed up to the gym an hour after me
I told her: “I’ve been weighting”
After one hour of searching I finally found an exit out of the room
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place, the bank have finally released their statement.
Withdrawn: £9,000,000
Balance:£0.00
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!
I told her to break a leg.
^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
In a bar a man kept pulling something out of his pocket and then asking for another drink. After 2 or 3 hours of this the bartender was curious and asked what he kept looking at after each drink.
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said “I’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients!” And I said “you know what?...
Maybe you should be a better doctor”
After waiting at the hospital for 3 hours without being seen to I went to the triage nurse and complained saying...
"I'm trying to be patient here."
After all the hand-wringing, criticism and 24-hour coverage, Anthony Scaramucci ended up only holding his new job in the White House for a single week...
...It was Mooch ado about nothing.
I sewed my dad's hand up after a glass related incident. After an hour or two and a couple drinks, I hear him yelling downstairs, "I FOUND AN IPAD IN THE MEDICINE CABINET!"
m.imgur.com/QUpaMIC
My Co-Worker asked how I was doing after having to change a flat on the side of the interstate at rush hour.
Happened an hour ago after a day at the beach.
I was wiping a lot of sand out of my hair when...
Dad: "Wow son, looks like you have some serious sandruff."
I dropped this one on the wife after getting back from a run about an hour ago. She groaned a bit, then laughed.
So I just got back from a run, and must have eaten something earlier, because as soon as I came inside, I ripped a really loud, nasty fart. I jokingly blamed it on her, and she laughed a bit until she smelled it. As she was busy plugging her nose I lay this on her.
Me: Well you know what they say, the one that smelt it is the one that dealt it.
Her: That's not funny, I know it was you, that saying doesn't make any sense right now.
Me: I think it makes a lot of scents. Wah-waaah..
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
After watching the moon go around the Earth for 24 hours straight, the astronauts got so tired of it that .....
they decided to call it a day.
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