What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"Damn that was a hard drive."
I bought my daughter a Dorito bed. After many hours of assembly I told her she was free to lay in it.
What did God do after he created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness?
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
After hours of trying, I finally got the lid off a can
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
Today my wife accidentally pushed flower pot with her elbow. After 3 hours of arguingshe came to a conclusion that
I put it in the wrong place......
3 years ago
Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!
After attempting for five hours to get this fence post to stand upright, I've finally realized
After waiting for an hour at the doctor's office the nurse came by and said sorry for the wait...
To which I replied, "No problem, I'm patient."
My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting
I informed my wife that we had ourgrains
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
After a long hour of deep internal reflection
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
I never wanted to go to the docks, but after my friends pestered me for an hour I finally gave into pier pressure
My daughter's tired of the jokes... After hours of dad jokes she asked me to leave her a loan.
Years later and the loan is worth $23,000
She said she'd trade it for more dad jokes any day<3
What do you get after playing a lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.
Edit: (I'm sorry. Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.)
What type of doctor works after hours?
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
Hosted a gender reveal for my pal, it was a cookout after a couple hours they asked when are you going to tell us the gender?
What do you mean? It’s a grill.
After hours of searching, I’m happy to say I tracked down my brides beloved pet dolphin...
Finally, I found my wife’s porpoise
Astronomers got tired of watching the Earth rotate after 24 hours
so they decided to call it a day
What did the constipated man say after unsuccessfully sitting on the toilet for over an hour?
After aimlessly walking around the gym for an hour, something occurred to me.
Alarm clocks are great but the snooze button was even better. Because after sleeping for eight hours, what I need...
After two hours of continuous use, our Xerox machine wanted to go to Starbucks.
It really needed a copy break.
My girlfriend showed up to the gym an hour after me
I told her: “I’ve been weighting”
After one hour of searching I finally found an exit out of the room
After being stuck in traffic for an hour, I turned to my wife and said, “That’s it. I’m turning round.”
She said, “Then stop eating so many cheeseburgers.”
Dad: I'm doing it! After 12 hours of fasting I'm finally breaking my fast!
takes a bite of eggs and toast
Wife: ugh, "do you have to do this every morning?"
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place, the bank have finally released their statement.
Withdrawn: £9,000,000
Balance:£0.00
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!
I told her to break a leg.
^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
In a bar a man kept pulling something out of his pocket and then asking for another drink. After 2 or 3 hours of this the bartender was curious and asked what he kept looking at after each drink.
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said “I’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients!” And I said “you know what?...
Maybe you should be a better doctor”
After waiting at the hospital for 3 hours without being seen to I went to the triage nurse and complained saying...
"I'm trying to be patient here."
After all the hand-wringing, criticism and 24-hour coverage, Anthony Scaramucci ended up only holding his new job in the White House for a single week...
...It was Mooch ado about nothing.
I sewed my dad's hand up after a glass related incident. After an hour or two and a couple drinks, I hear him yelling downstairs, "I FOUND AN IPAD IN THE MEDICINE CABINET!"
m.imgur.com/QUpaMIC
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
I was watching the rotation of the Earth, but I got bored after 24 hours.
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
After watching the moon go around the Earth for 24 hours straight, the astronauts got so tired of it that .....
they decided to call it a day.
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