Surface 2 Puns

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 light-years from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."

They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.

"Why are the buildings shining like that?", he asked.

"Didn't they brief you about the colony?", the driver asked "We don't call it Anti-Earth for no reason, it's literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon (C) here, and interestingly carbon (C) doesn't occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium (Ra) which glow in the dark."

After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words "COMMUNICATION OFFICE" crudely etched on the walls.

"This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony," the driver said. "We can't use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I'll show you our most important resource."

They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.

"This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn't get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold (Au), silver (Ag) and platinum (Pt) trees to Earth, the iron (Fe) and aluminium (Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium (U) and astatine (At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren't what we are here for."

The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.

"These are made of rhenium (Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioa

Sorry, that was me scraping the bottom of the barrel for a joke.

I could go on.

Am barely scratching the surface.

So, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce She gets the house and He gets the Windows!

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring. The main reason she divorced Bill Gates because he was in Office365 days.

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. “This technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. “Can you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

“Yeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,“but it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained “When these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” “Treating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

“It’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

“There are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” “That future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. “Don’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

“Now let that sink in!”

They seemed so happy..on the Surface.

I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface

Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

I guess you could say I have Surface tension.

My job involves me giving presentations to large groups of teenagers. Today, I was telling them about different workshops we have on offer, including African drumming and DJ workshops.

So I said - 'I'd love to tell you a bit more about the DJ workshops, but I'd barely scratch the surface.'

Ever seen 200 teenagers groan and roll their eyes? Glorious :D

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Turns out nobody wants to touch unfamiliar Surfaces during the pandemic.

Surface Tension

When I was in the Navy, I was on the deck of a destroyer one day, and I saw a the periscope of an enemy submarine surface nearby. So, quick as a flash, I whipped off my hat and dropped it over the periscope. As the periscope was covered, the submarine didn't realise it had reached the surface, so it kept rising... and when it got to 10,000 feet, we shot it down with the anti-aircraft guns.

The class had just scratched the surface!

Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.

Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"

Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.

This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.

Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"

‪I hope this will not surface again‬

I have O'range of good ones but they all juiced s'grape the surface.

Then the surface of the sea is the sealing

I defended myself saying "I've barely scratched the Surface"

And the thing about eyes, sight, and light is that nobody really knows what colour anything is.

What we think of as colour is actually light reflecting off a surface in the visible light spectrum- nothing is inherently colourful on its own. So everything we see is actually in our own heads. Transfered light is reflecting off objects, into our eyes and being read/perceived by the brain as 'colour'.

It's all a pigment of our imagination.

"...under the surface are very strong currants."

I suggested maybe his business name should be "Kitchen Surface Installers" instead of "Counter-Fitters"

We’ve only scratched the surface

So I could thank him for his Surface.

Feels like I only scratched the surface.

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.

Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.

So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty slow. She started to get angry with me "SWIM over here! Why are you walking? Please hurry!" She yelled, with great urgency. All in all, it took me probably 8 minutes to cover the 80 yards or so to get to her. After I rescued her, she was super mad for some reason. She was all "I almost died, why were you going so slow? Who does that? What's wrong with you?"

"Well," I said. "Good things are worth wading for."

... it was a pretty stone, well rounded and a smooth surface.

Dad: "This is a very special stone, you should give it to your girlfriend."

Me: "Um... OK, sure."

Dad: "Do you know what kind of stone this is?"

Me: "A river stone? No, not really..."

Dad: "They call it a 'Sex Stone'."

Me: Raises eyebrow "Oh?"

Dad: "Do you know why they call it that?"

Me: "Why?"

Dad: "Because it's just another fucking rock."

ಠ_ಠ

Well, I still have it on my bookshelf, and she's now my wife, so sure.

When you’re going 85 on surface streets, with them behind you in flashing lights.

A surface pupper.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

She's standing on the dock and asks "Where is the bottom?" I replied, "Somewhere under the surface"

The surface of the water.

Because 90% of it is below the surface of the water.

My brother's name is Micah. He is 13 years younger than me, so I am kinda a dad figure for him. Every year I find a new person to tell this one:

Me: "All my brother gets for Christmas is surfacing" Unsuspecting newbie: "Huh" Me: This present is for Micah. That present is for Micah...

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

I told my wife that the earth's core is hotter than the surface of the sun. She replied 'oh. that's why my feet are always sweaty'.

I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed! (Also, epic onion volcano!)

• Our chef says "Who wants egg roll?" and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface.

• When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said "Look! Butterfly!"

• While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table "You ordered just tail, right?"

• He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said "Japanese diet!"

• Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken "For chicken, everyone want rare?" and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused.

I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in.

And we're talking about Christmas presents. He mentions to my wife that I should get a new Surface (after having just bought myself a new laptop) and the exchange went as follows :

FiL: Get him a new Surface 2, mija.

Wife: Another tablet??

Me: Yeah, I've totally been a good boy; I deserve it!

Wife: Not even close.

FiL: Well drive to Best Buy then you'll be closer.

He proceeded to laugh for a good minute.

I just discovered /r/dadjokes a couple days ago, but my latent dad-ness has surfaced full force. Just take a look!

The class had just scratched the surface!

it barely scratched the surface