So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. β€œUno” β€œDos”

And then he vanished, without a tres.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookiesncream6969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I saw a spectacular wood carving of a manatee today.

Oh, that hewn manatee!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/voip_geek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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What's the most spectacular part of the human body?

The lungs, they're breathtaking.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PenguinBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Made this a while back. Nothing too spectacular, just a trigger warning.

https://preview.redd.it/m3liaqm82wd21.png?width=1943&format=png&auto=webp&s=73addd8f55b7761903fe25477b2de256c26b606a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Akikikio
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Spectacular
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spookyAGENT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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What do you call a vegetable that cooks slimy, and it is just okay, not spectacular?

Mediokra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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I went to see a mime improv the other day and the performance was spectacular

It goes without saying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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What’s the most spectacular way to clean yourself?

Well, you use a show-er.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It's not hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/misfitfricky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Why should you always wear glasses when doing Math?

It helps with division.

πŸ‘︎ 831
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubsAli
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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My wife didn’t like my idea to market a line of belts with little clocks built into the buckle.

She said it was a waist of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DingoWelsch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Highlighter pens are the future.

Mark my words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineerwho_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Dad-joked a friend, then a few days later, karma dad-joked me spectacularly in return

I just came back from a holiday back to the UK to visit friends and family (am an expat).

While we were there we went to a nice community festival, with some great beers. An American friend of a friend proudly proclaimed that he’d bought a pint of red stout.

Looking up at the board, and seeing the name of the beer, my eyes lit up: a golden opportunity had just presented itself.

β€˜Nah mate, that’s not red stout, it’s called Red Stoat. You do know what a stoat is, right?

[confusion]

β€˜Well, it’s a little rodent, a bit like a weasel. You know how you can tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?’

β€˜Er..’

β€˜Well’, I says, β€˜a weasel is weasily identifiable, and a stoat is stoatally different.’

Cue a puzzled look on the guys face, and a moment’s silence, broken by me and my friend pissing ourselves laughing, not at the joke of course, but at his reaction.

So this was all very well and good, just another in the litany of bad jokes that floats in my wake, and I thought the story ended there.

Karma, however, had other plans…

A few days later, we’re up in the Lake District, walking back to the hotel after a pub dinner. As we’re walking down the road, we see a small carnivorous rodent dragging the recently deceased body of a rabbit back to its home. It was either a stoat, or a weasel, but you know what? I honestly had no way to tell which…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bimshire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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My girlfriend asked if I liked her new glasses

"It's quite a spectacle"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blx666
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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A dad's last dad joke.

My friend's dad passed away earlier this year, but pulled off a spectacular dad joke at his funeral. One of the songs he requested was 'here comes the sun' by the beetles...

...to be played as his son approached the front of the church to deliver his speech.

RIP David.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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A rope walks into a bar...

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1_h473_l337_5p34k
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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Cheap phones
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SWEJO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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Did you hear about the Pizza Hut driver that tried to be a stand up comedian?

His jokes were terrible but his delivery was spectacular.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riptide747
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I called my father this morning.

Heres how the conversation went. Me: There was a Henway in the yard. Him: What the hecks a Henway? Me: about 4 lbs! Him: It by the Grecian urn? Me: What? What's a Grecian urn? Him: About $10 an hour.

The eye rolls were spectacular.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Thanks TequilaMockingbird42 imgur.com/gallery/aLJkM
πŸ‘︎ 213
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

πŸ‘︎ 440
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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I shot my best friend today...

It's going to take an hour to develop, but her wedding photos are spectacular.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/euratowel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Wife: Honey where are the mail keys?

Me: I don't know, probably ran off with the female keys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goopersan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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Every time we pass a railroad crossing...

"OH WOW THIS IS SPECTACULAR. A train must have been here recently, you can still see its tracks!!"

πŸ‘︎ 345
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconMaster64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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Became a "Dad" at work last week...

At about 3:30...

Worker: Let me know if you have any time before 5 o'clock.

Me (supervisor): I have about 90 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNinJay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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