Sound follower Puns

You follow the fresh prince

Operation Toot And Calm ‘Em will last a week.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Some twenty years ago, I was in an airport with my parents and siblings. After waiting at the gate for our flight for maybe 30 minutes, the following conversation took place.

Mom: are you ok?

Me: I’m getting a headache. Maybe from that high pitched whistling sound.

Brother: what whistling sound?

Me: can’t you hear it? It’s driving me crazy.

Brother: maybe you have canine hearing. Maybe it’s a dog whistle.

Dad: dogs can’t whistle!

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

She was having a great time spotting shapes. "That looks like a rabbit! And that looks like a dolphin!"

Wanting to be part of the fun I pointed at one and said, "That looks like the letter 'i' in the English alphabet!" She rolled her eyes at me in distaste.

Soon, it started raining heavily. So heavy was the rain, that we heard a loud creak in the house, followed by the sound of a window crashing on the pavement below.

Not giving up, I said, "Looks like windows... does not support the i Cloud."

I'm really proud of this one.

I'm at my desk while my wife's baking cookies in the kitchen, just around the corner. I heard a metallic snapping sound followed shortly by an “Oh no!”, so I called out:

> "What's wrong?"

> “I broke my whisk!”

> "Oh, that sucks."

> “It was my favorite one!”

See it coming yet?

> "Well, then that's a whisk we're just gonna have to tape."

This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,

"What do you guys want for breakfast."

My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."

This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share.  I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

I was telling my dad about my JAWS essay that is due in a couple of days and this is the conversation that followed.

Me: I'm writing out my JAWS essay.

Dad: Ok sounds a bit fishy.

Me:That's a terrible joke.

Dad: Hook line and sinker

ME: Stahp. I can't handle the dad jokes anymore.

Dad: Holy mackerel he's growing up

Me: You seriously can't make anymore up.

Dad: I'm having a whale of a time.

Me: Really?

Dad: Yes

Whenever I say a complicated sounding word my Dad, about 90% percent of the time, replies with "Bless you!". Usually followed with laughter to himself and a slap on the thigh.

Anyone else?

So my gf got a haircut today and texted me about it. She was not ready for the following exchange.

gf: I don't know if I like my hair.

Me: Well I'm sure it'll...grow on you.

gf: That sounds like a dadjoke lol.

Me: But your dad didn't tell it!

gf: You're ridiculous

Me: No, I'm Freddie3.

She said I made her giggle so it was worth it.

For my job in a software company we have to record a conference call with the developer and my QA team whenever we push a new project live. During the call there was a train in the background which was pretty loud coming from the developer who is named Trey. After we had finished testing i said: "Hey, did anyone else hear that? What was that?" My boss who was in the call said: "Yea i did, it was a train i think." I let the silence hang for a bit and said: "Are you sure? It sounded like a Treyyyyyyyain" Immediately heard multiple groans and my boss says: "Ok i'm done" and leaves the call, quickly followed by everyone else.

My roommate isn't a fan of reading. "It's a waste of time," according to him, so he prefers movies. After finishing a movie today he told me it happened to be based on real events, saying he might have to look it up. The following was our IM.

Me: Neat, that sounds like a good read, yeah?

Roomie (b/c the movie had a sex scene): But words don't have tits, so there's one problem, lol

Me: Lord. Maybe you should try reading some smut sometime. It's puts on sunglasses titillating! Yyyyeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Roomie: Guh. Awful

I think I owe him a pint, now.

I attended a Decemberists concert this evening. Before the encore, the drummer, John, insisted that he tell us a joke.

"Did you hear about the pig who had a cut on his leg? Yeah, his friend came by and asked, 'Would you like me to get you some OINK-ment?'"

The only sound that followed was that of myself clapping.

Was talking with my step-mother-in-law. She said "The kids are being quiet. They must be misbehaving." I followed with "That's sound logic..." I thought it was hilarious and she laughed once but my wife just thought it was stupid.

As a father of three, by far my favorite Dad Joke has to be claiming things as my "Dancer Names". I have at least one or two a week.

It's whenever someone says something in conversation which sounds like it could be a Stripper name. Off the top of my head, here are some I've used:

"Yummy Cupcakes", "Pansy Taboo", "Stamen Fuzz", "Dark Almond", "Squeeze Bacon", "Bolt Upright"

I'll often follow it up with a hint as to what that show may just be like.

Guy on television: "The bee is now covered in stamin fuzz..."

Me: "'Stamen Fuzz' is my dancer name. Quite a show; not for the allergic."

This guy I work with has been talking to this girl who does this erotic acrobatics stuff, and he was describing her routine to us. Another co-worker goes "That sounds like Cirque-de-Soleil." I immediately followed with, "Yeah, and Greg is going to get Cirque-de-SO-LAID!" My inner dad urges outweighed my self-control.

I'm away at university and my dad calls me up while I'm doing last minute homework:

Dad: What are you up to?

Me: Just finishing an essay about Dickens' Hard Times for class. I'm really busy, can I call you back in a couple hours?

Dad: Oh, that sounds like a hard time!

Me: (Sarcastically) Well it's not the MOST fun I've ever had.

Dad: (long pause followed by a sigh) Are you having a hard time with the joke?

Me: No, (chuckles) I get it dad... but I've got to go!

Dad: You sound like you're having a hard time.

Me: Dad, I got it.

Dad: (scoff) Ahhh, I'm just giving you a hard time!

Me: Dad.... I've got so much work to do.

Dad: I'll let you go then; glad to be of help during this hard time. Good luck on your essay! (hangs up)

So I was eating lunch with some friends when a security guard entered and walked up to our table. The following conversation ensued. [As accurate as I can remember] >Him: How's it going?

>Us: Uh... good?

>Him: That's nice, I noticed you guys were sort of making bird sounds, as a matter of a fact, I studied bird calls in college!

At this point he rambled on for a few minutes about how he could do any bird call we could name, so we asked him to do the robin.

> Him: Fiddles with hands for a few seconds like you would do a normal bird call, Then to our surprise shouts out "Here Robin!, Here Robin!"

Needless to say, he got us pretty well.