Finally some good fucking news.
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.
Some good news for a change.
There has been some good news today as a plus-size clairvoyant announces they are releasing a charity calendar, with pictures of them in their underwear.
Fans of the psychic say that they are looking forward to seeing a large medium in smalls.
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex?
Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
Decided to tell my parents some good news with a dad joke
"So, do you have to work on Labor Day this year?"
"No, we both have off."
"Did you hear they're changing it next year?"
"What?"
"Yeah, they're moving it to April."
Looks of confusion
"At least that's what my doctor said."
The dawning of comprehension on their faces, then big smiles and hugs!
..... Btw, I am a woman. I didn't specify in the post, but the context clue would be "MY doctor." I was just raised on sarcasm and corny jokes.
A rich patient told his doctor that money was no problem: "Please give me some good news." "Okay then," said the physician...
"But I'll have to tell that to your widow."
I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news
The good news is there’s no bad news, the bad news is there’s no good news.
I've been looking for some new hunting gear but good camouflage is hard to find.
YouTube has some good finds
Sad news fellas, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone.
Good news! I made a potion that makes you cry cakes!
However the first person who tried it is still crying endless tiers!
Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.
But now I stand corrected.
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
I cut myself and now I need to listen to some music to make sure it heals good.
Or how the doctor put it, "A band aid."
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
Hey did you ever hear about the psychic that only gives you good news?
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
I was driving my new Toyota down the street and some kid said 'sick car'
I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".
Good news from the bank!
They say I have outstanding loans!
In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.
Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.
I just know we're going to workout.
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus.
Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared “Stop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
Why cant you trust a news broadcast of geese?
All they say is proper gander.
Goose news!
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks
Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “I’d like some chapstick”
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
I heard on the news, a man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun.
Apparently he's now completely recovered
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...
"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"
A good sense of humour is jenetic
Some stories have really good character arcs.
Personally, my favourite is Noah's Ark
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
I am so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed.
BREAKING NEWS- Scientists have discovered sexual reproduction in bread
I guess you could say, bread baguette bread
His Outlook is not too good
The doctor tells the patient that he has some good news and some bad news...
Patient: Tell me the bad news first!
Doctor: Sure. The bad news is that there is no good news.
Patient: Well? What is the good news then?
Doctor: That there is no bad news either.
I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?
If good;
The good news is there is no bad news.
If bad;
The bad news is there is no good news.
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