It might be stolen property, so watch out
I bet this journalist is so proud of this one (I would be!)
I don’t get how Hank McCoy was able to design a Lockheed blackbird to fly so fast and be undetectable at the time of the Cuban missile crisis.
Is anyone able to X-plane?
My brother tells me things aren’t so bad, we could be trapped in a hole filled with water
Priest: so what will you be naming the child? Dad: Be-Bop-A-Lula
Priest - why is that?
Dad - she’s my baby
Me: "Pugs suffer so much. They shouldn't be bred."
Dad: "They're not bread; they're dogs."
I am going to get a dog, name him 'Achilles', and train him to be a medical service dog so that one day I can give the command 'Achilles, Heel!' and confuse those people who like a good pun!
Slasher films always seem to be so successful.
I'm amazed at how they make such a killing.
Meta: dad jokes are clean and simple. They are meant for your young children so little kids would have to be able to understand it.
That is all. Pornhub jokes? Cmon guys.
A year after Beethoven died, the church where he was buried was being expanded, so all of the bodies in the graveyard had to be dug up and moved to the central cemetery in Vienna.
The grave diggers pulled out Beethoven’s casket, and heard the slightest <squeaksqueaksqueak> sound coming from inside. Curious they popped open the casket and saw Beethoven with a folio of his music, methodically erasing everything on the page.
The gravedigger says, “Maestro, what are you doing?”
Beethoven says, “Isn’t it obvious? I’m decomposing.”
A genie granted me one wish so I wished to be happy…
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My grandfather always said “Don’t be so quick to find faults”
Wonderful man, terrible geologist
Kids can be so ungrateful. I bought my son a trampoline for Christmas.
He just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
So lately my wife and i were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed...
I turned to her and said: Do you want to have sex honey?
No, she answered.
So i said is that your final answer?
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes'!
So i said, then I'd like to phone a friend.
In chess, if you unwittingly position your tower so it can be taken by another piece…
Is that considered a rookie move?
Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
One day an airplane pilot decided he wanted to be a baseball star, so he went to talk to a coach.
The coach asks him “can you pitch?”, the pilot replies “yaw”.
My friend told me that my sex life would be so much better, after my vasectomy...
I didn't notice a vas deferens
If one were to be so excited for finals that they daydreamed about it…
Would that be called a “Final Fantasy”?
I lost 3 fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
She said "maybe but I wouldn't count on it".
Every morning me and my wife race to be the first to say the three words that are so important to every marriage.
Hey, so I'll be opening a support group for procratinators!
It'll be opening tomorrow.
My kid wanted a balloon at mall. The cashier said that will be 15 dollars. I asked why so much?
My dyslexic neighbour told me he wants to be the next Picasso, so he spends the whole day doing the hoovering. I asked him why…
He said that vacuums cause people to become artistic.
Going to be a father in May so I’m practicing— Why did the duck get kicked out of class?
For quacking jokes
EDIT: this joke did wayyy better than I expected lol. Thank you all for the words of encouragement, awards, and corny jokes to follow up! I’m excited to make my family cringe for years to come
My wife asked how I could be so proud of my puppet show...
Because I had a big hand in it.
The other day, I met a genie who granted me one wish. So, I told him: "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
When I die, I wanna be buried with a whoopee cushion so I can be a king.
I had a friend who wanted to be famous. So she cut her body in half and put it in on top of a horse...
Just so she could be the centaur of attention.
"Pre-" means before and "Post-" means after, so to use both together in a single word would be...
preposterous
cheers all :)
So I used to be a minister....
One day after service this little boy presses two quarters into my palm when he shakes my hand.
"What's this?" I asked.
"It's my offering." He replied.
"Why didn't you just put it in the collection plate?"
"Well, sir, I wanted to make sure it got straight to you. My daddy said you're the poorest preacher he's ever heard."
need a pun for a brand name! this is a paint tube filled with liquid blush, so a cosmetics brand and i want the name of it to be punny, please help!
I was scared I might be losing my mind. So I asked myself “Am I going crazy?!”.
Thankfully, we all agreed that no, I’m not.
caught my kids smoking weed so told them there will be a mandatory drug test
They all gotta bring me their drugs so I can test them out
My wife said I need to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday.
She said: "What the hell are these?"
I said: "It's the little things that count"
Looking for a little help with a joke my daughter brought home from school and butchered so bad I can't figure out what it's supposed to be
Her: How many pieces of rice do you eat?
Me: Uh, 12?
Her: No, thrice
I feel like she's using thrice to mean three rice, but it feels like there's a part missing in between. Anybody know this one?
I bought a belt off of Amazon from a company called Orion. I was hoping it would be the best belt I'd ever owned, but it was just so-so.
My son told me he wants to be a cowboy, so I had to give him the bad news.
He’s stuck being a human boy.
I freed a genie from his lamp, and the genie granted me a wish! So I wished that I could be happy for the rest of my life
And now I live with Snow White and six other dwarves in the forest...
And yes, I do have to tell them all to stop feeling me all the time.
Why is it so easy to be around a volcano?
Because they are so Lava-able
A cop looked at my driver's license and said I should be wearing glasses, so I told him I had contacts.
But he didn't care who I knew and he gave me a ticket anyway.
A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My grandfather always said, “Don’t be so quick to find faults.”
Wonderful man, terrible geologist.
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