Say Uncle Puns

My dad says “the whole restaurant?” I laughed because it was so bad

Dad: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! Look! They’re all over the damn place!”

How far do you think I can I can kick this bucket

Congratulations! That took balls to do.

We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.

My brother is still cracking up and very proud.

My great uncle died the other night. He lost too much blood and the doctors couldn't find a donor because they didn't know his blood type. However, the whole time, my great uncle was cheering them on saying, "Be Positive!"

My dad loves to build. Every few years he takes on a new major construction project; an addition on his house, a huge workshop, something. When he goes to buy lumber he always tries to set the salesman up for this doozy:

Dad: "I'm going to need three dozen 2x4s."

Salesman: "Sure. How long do you need them?"

Dad: "I'm going to need them a long time, I'm building an addition on my house."

(Edit: Structure and spelling (thanks DJUrsus)).

Right, so I was in the US to visit my American family in Florida, and my uncle comes up pretty much randomly as we were sunbathing at the pool, and he says: “I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!”

I bursted out laughing and couldn’t stop for another while

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.

Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.

"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."

My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."

Those were his last words.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

I was at a funeral a couple weeks ago. We went to church then the reception. Sitting next to my mom, brother and a couple aunts and uncles, I turned to my mom and told her, "I felt like I was losing my soul in church." I received a few astonished looks when my mom asked, "why would you say that?" I picked up my foot and showed her the sole of my shoe coming off.

So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:

Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.

Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.

Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.

Me: what do you mean?

Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say ‘I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.

Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.

I accidentally put my wallet through the wash last night. This morning, as I was drying its contents with a hair dryer, my uncle walks in and immediately says "you do know that money laundering is a crime, right?"

Without missing a beat my uncle ( her dad) says "1%"

Simple but made the whole table laugh

So me and my twin sis went with my dad to a family barbecue thing, dad was frying the meat with my 8 uncles. They were taking too long to prepare the meat, so I decided to say that I'm hungry and they are slow.

Every single one of my uncles and my dad proceeded to stare at me and

"HELLO HUNGRY, I'M NOT SLOW, I'M DAD".

We were out on a party boat that our family rented. My wife's uncle points to the ladder to climb out of the water back in the boat and says, "That's just my step ladder, I never knew my real ladder."

Back when I was maybe 14, I was sitting out on the front porch of my grandmother's house with "the guys," AKA my cousin, his dad/my uncle, and my dad. It was wickedly hot and there were a few annoying flies buzzing around. We were just sitting quietly, taking in the afternoon. Out of nowhere, my uncle, a big guy with a deep, gravelly voice says, "Time's fun when you're having flies." The rest of us were in stitches, it was so clever and dumb at the same time.

My grandpa would always tell me this story about his uncles in WWII. "My uncle was actually captured by the Germans and kept in a pow camp. They would try to break the prisoners spirit by making them to mindless things. One in particular they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.' My uncle was always a wise guy so he would rebel in the simplest way. He would only go, 'tick tick tick.' One day the guard finally caught him and said, 'don't vorry. Ve have vays of making you tock.'"

So my wife is working on Genealogy stuff, and was asking her dad about some of his family history. After telling a few stories about some of his other uncles, he comes to his uncle Charles. "I was named after him, you know..." he tells us.

We look at him more than a bit incredulously, as his name is Michael.

He smiles and says "What? I sure as hell wasn't named BEFORE him..."

the bartender looks at him and says "Hey.... why the long face?" The horse looks back at him and solemnly says "My uncle elmer died...". The bartender replies "I'm sorry for your loss..." the horse sighs and says "Yea...He really held the family together"

The doctor asks him where he’d like it.

The blind man says, “In my butt.”

“Why would you want it there?” The doctor replied.

“Hindsight is 20/20,” the blindman retorts.

~ Uncle Brian

I spent most of my life thinking my uncle was named "Ash" (totally not Ash, but it works for explaining this). Turns out "Ash" was a nickname to describe his hair. His real name was French (totally his actual name, and more common that you'd think). This was because my grandpa liked hearing my uncle say "my name is French," and see the look of confusion of people's faces. My Grandpa was a troll. Rest in peace, you crazy old man.

Took the kids to a bug museum this weekend and was walking behind this other dad and his kids for a good bit of the time. When we get to the leaf cutter ant exhibit, my three year old loudly says something to the effect, "Look at all those ants!". The dad turns around and says, smugly, "How do you know they aren't uncles?" My kids groan, his kids groan, all in a dad's work, right? Then his daughter, who was probably 8 or 9, pipes up, "Well, Dad, since they're all female, it's safe to say that are, in fact, aunts!"

Her timing was impeccable. She's going places.

I'll start with mine.

1. If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.

2. If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)

3. My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.

4. My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...

5. One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.

Last night, my wife invited her cousin over the house to hang out, as it was her cousins birthday. About an hour after her cousin showed up, my wife was still sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos.

I told her to stop being anti-social.

Without missing a beat she says "That would make you Uncle Social!"

Were (my parents, aunt, uncle and I) out getting ice cream, when my mom points out malt ball ice cream. my dad, being the joker he is, says "moth balls? that's a weird flavor" we have a laugh, get our ice cream, and walk outside. In the wake of "moth balls", I ask my uncle "have you ever smelled moth balls?"

"of course" he responds.

I nod my head, then promptly ask "how'd you get the little things legs apart?"

.

He answered the phone on his birthday and it was my aunt, uncle, and cousins. They sang happy birthday to him. Near the end of the song, he hands me the phone and tells me to say, "hold on, I'll go get my Dad."

They sang again.

So in class the professor says how much he enjoyed visiting Nice, France (pronounced Niece).

I respond with, "Sure Niece is nice, but I hear their ant (aunt) problem is so bad they're about to cry uncle!"

This was followed by polite chuckling from the class, but gut busting laughter from the professor and I.

My uncle said to my grandmother that he saw a picture of Jane Fonda when she was younger and he said she was really cute. I say across the room, "I guess he was really Fonda her"

My little 6 year old cousin comes up to my dad and says to him "Uncle Bill! I have magnetic nail polish on! Look!" Then he replied "Oh... that must make you attractive."

We were at dinner for my cousins birthday and we were talking about magic tricks. My uncle says to his daughters best friend, "Do that one with your boobs!" and proceeds to laugh obnoxiously while we all sat there...wanting to die.

when he returned my aunt asked: "what did the Doctor say?" uncle: "Hello"

I saw a friend of mine said, "You know my uncle Charlie? Well, he's in the hospital. Some dude robbed him and he got knifed!"

I said, "Damn! That's forking terrible!"

He said, "Hey! It's too spoon to say that!"

Eating lunch today with my Mom, Dad, Aunt, and Uncle. My Dad pays for the entire meal, so my uncle asked if he included a tip (wanting to pitch in some for the meal). Dad says "Nah, she probably knows way more about waitressing than I do." Everyone groaned and left the table

So at this funeral we had to do the thing where we shake hands with everyone around us and say "peace".

After this part I lean over to my uncle and say "I need to take a peace. Maybe a pooce." He couldn't stop laughing in the middle of this funeral. It was a golden moment.

I was working with my uncle and he says, "Do you know what you can do with 365 condoms?" "Have a lot of sex?" "No, melt it down into a tire and call it a good year."

On the way into a camp that my family goes to every year, there is a check in area and there has always been a sign up that says "NO FIREWORKS". My uncle asked the man who was working the check in area "no fireworks?? still? you guys are always out of fireworks. can you give me a call when you get your next shipment in?"

For context, my grandfather recently had eye surgery and now has to have medical drops applied every few hours. Near the end of the party, my grandma says that it was time to "dot his eyes." As soon as that's said, my uncle reminds them not to cross their t's, too.

Out to dinner with my dad and I'm complaining to him about my roommate and how she is telling me what to do.

Me: She keeps telling me what to do. She told me that if I leave my food out for more than an hour i'll get ants.

Dad: What you should say to her to shut her up and confuse her is to tell her "No, I'm just going to get uncles."

Uncle observes "no smoking" sign.

He's a smoker.

Pulls out two cigarettes.

I remind him he can't smoke.

Puts a cigarette in each nostril, turns to me and says;

"nose smoking"

Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out for lunch. My cousin has a 2 year old son and they were horsing around. One thing led to another and his son bumped his head on a lamp. After a few seconds he started crying and everybody stopped talking. I look over at my cousin and say "He'll be fine, he's probably just a little light headed". The only person who laughed was my uncle.

Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.

Me: Really are you okay?

Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.

Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?

Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.

Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!

XD

(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)