I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the T. V "Don't go in the there, don't you go into that church you idiot!"

She was watching our wedding video again

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saw V, X and L walking around aimlessly.

I can't stand Roaming numerals.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad always said this whenever we saw geese flying in a "V".
πŸ‘︎ 444
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheesus_riced
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
So a man discovered a new species of flower that smelled wonderful...

...and soon grew and sold thousands to florists around the world. He called the flowers Nomasia, both singular and plural. Soon, almost every field and house had Nomasia.

One day a man was found dead with Nomasia in his hand and a joke written on his shirt. A detective arrived at the scene and instantly saw the pun on the dead man's clothes. "What's that?" he asked an officer nearby. The officer answered, "Oh, that's just a pair o' Nomasia."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sp0yl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Can you guys lend me a ham?

I saw this Pun earlier today and it got me thinking that I want to have a pun potluck. So far I can make the punchline of u/KennyTheDownsTigr pun and some Evil Spirits for us to slug.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JancenD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible.

β€œNoah walked out onto the ark and saw....”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/watzit_t00ya
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up the hammer and saw.

(my dad told this all the time. I am continuing on with the tradition...)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SimplisticAnswer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to make a carpentry pun that woodwork

But nobody saw it!

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Frindwamp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Corn

So I went to the farmers market the other day and I saw pirate selling whole corn on the cob... I asked him β€œhow much is your corn?”

He replied β€œA buccaneer!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxrox2020
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
So I brought a tree home for Christmas

My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"

I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time

I never saw it coming, wouldn’t have suspected it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tim_owens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
what did the lumberjack do when it got dark?

He took his axe and saw.

Edit: spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karl_oskar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....

So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.

While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobkirby12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are you cuddling that saw?

For emotional support.

It's my coping saw.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cat_named_virtue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to your slow fence builder when he's not being original on r/dadjokes?

Saw this post already

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair, guess who came crawling back.

I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0Tharrold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got my husband with my best one yet

I said, β€œwhat have I told you about leaving the power tools out where the dogs can reach them?”

He looked really confused and said β€œWhat? I didn’t leave anything out”

β€œbecause the dog is over here sawing some logs!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaxinthebox14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.

The horse didn’t feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. β€œAre you sneaking outside food into the theater?”

The horse said β€œnay.”

The pig squealed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique

But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it.

Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle.

When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed.

Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the big dill was.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll stick to my ribs

A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.

"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.

Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazmo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?

Looks like reindeer.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sandyatk445
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A sperm donor, Carpenter, and Julius Caesar walked into a bar

... He came, he saw, he conquered

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What tool would deal best with a traumatic event?

A coping saw!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thingie2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, I had a near sex experience.

I saw my wife flash before my eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I took a lobster out for dinner

When he saw the main course, he sure looked steamed!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luxara-VI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't know if this belongs here but my dad...

... spent all weekend making this coffee table. I didn't think much of it until i saw him attaching some hoses, a water tank, a dirt tank, a fan, a propane tank and a timer. I asked him what the hell he was building and he said "Well twice a day it's going to shoot either fire, water, dirt or air." I sat there stunned and confused and just said "But....why?" He said "Why? Well that's because it's a periodic table of elements."

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/melancholytron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally figured out what I'm going to name my dad band...

Saw (goodnight everybody!)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterOfBunnies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the kidnapping?

Nevermind, he woke up. (I saw this in a youtube video by Mishkali titled "Attack on Titan Dad Jokes" I'm not sure if she made the joke herself, but credit goes to whoever did.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrub42069
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
So, I was in a coffee shop drinking tea, and when I reached down to tie my shoe, my tea was gone!

I saw this guy with the same cup as me and chased him down the street. Finally caught up with him and realized...that’s not my cup of tea

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the only state mentioned in the bible? Arkansas.

Noah looked out of the ark and saw two doves.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enofile
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is developing Alzheimer's.

She said, she can't remember what she saw in me.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up a hammer and saw

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why haven’t aliens visited us yet?

They saw the rating- only one star.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SZT2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.

It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you split the ocean in half?

With a sea saw

πŸ‘︎ 340
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A sperm, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar

He came, he saw, he conquered

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Da_Brootalz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife wants a divorce for being too un American

I saw that coming a kilometer away

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superbirdtj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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