True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

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📅︎ Jan 25 2021
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I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.

Close, but no cigar.

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📅︎ Feb 08 2021
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What do you call the runners up award at an astronomy competition?

A Constellation prize

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📅︎ Dec 23 2014
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Nearly all the funniest jokes at Edinburgh Fringe is dad jokes

The winner and the 9 runner ups: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"

  • "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
  • "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
  • "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
  • "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
  • "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
  • "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
  • "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
  • "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
  • "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
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📅︎ Aug 19 2019
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I recently joined the track team...

we spent the car ride home talking about the famous world runners and their impressive times and such. When we got home my dad said:

Dad: "You know I'm actually a record holder myself"

Me: "Wait really? In what event?"

Dad runs downstairs and comes back up with the biggest grin on his face, and holding a box of vinyl records

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📅︎ Dec 21 2013
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Need help coming up with a pizza pun

Sorry that this isn't a joke itself but my pizza place is making a newsletter and I need to come up with a punny name for it. So far the front runner is MozzarelLA Times

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📅︎ Jun 30 2016
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Out-dad joked my dad about car names the other day

My parents were visiting me, and my mom's been looking at a new vehicle, specifically a Toyota Rav4. As she's not the most tech-savvy, she got one of the paper brochures from the dealership about the features available.

Being marketing literature for a small SUV, there were plenty of pictures of people running, hiking, and being active. My dad looks at it and goes: "so is this the Toyota for runners?" I immediately said "No, that's probably the Toyota 4runner".

My mom cracked up. My dad just groaned.

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📅︎ Mar 31 2016
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After a late hockey game.

In the locker room we were talking about marathon runners, and our goalie says: "Yeah those Kenyan's always win, you'd be fast too if there were lions chasing you." To which I replied: "I've never seen a lion on any marathon course." One of our defensemen, who just fathered twins pipes up: "Yeah, but there are plenty of cougars."

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📅︎ Dec 13 2013
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My co-worker dadjokes me every day. Here's a few of his finer ones.

I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.

  1. One day, I was windexing our glass displays.

Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.

  1. Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.

Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.

A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."

"What kind of dog do you have?!"

"Chihuahua."

"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"

"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat

  1. Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"

We looked at one another confused. "... No."

"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band

I like my new job.

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👤︎ u/amdawson
📅︎ Aug 18 2014
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Amy Poehler DadJoked Nick Kroll on the Kroll show

I'm paraphrasing here.

Nick: "Amy, thanks for being so chill with these sketches we've been doing."

Amy: "Oh yea, you didn't know this about me, but I was voted 3rd runner up for most-chill in high school".

Nick: "Oh? Why didn't you win?"

Amy: "Eh. The other guys didn't want it more".

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📅︎ Feb 21 2014
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A runner had to pick up the pace

It fell on him

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👤︎ u/K_Al-Shaya
📅︎ Dec 11 2018
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