Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrikkWikkid5150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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What's the difference between a rock thrown at you and a crazy girlfriend?

It doesn't hurt when the rock misses you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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What's the difference between going out with a Geologist and a Geographer?

One rocks, the other will give you the world.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0NSTER4242
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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An American man went to Germany for a vacation.

As he arrived, he decided to go fishing, so he did. But tragedy struck and his boat hit a rock, making a hole. The man, as anyone would do, called the coast guard and yelled "IM SINKING IM SINKING!"

the German Coast Guard casually replied, "what are you sinking about?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidgeon-eater-69
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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All of you are Dwayne Johnson

You all Rock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Sherwood

Me: I don't live in Little Rock, I live in Sherwood

Boyfriend: Sherwood be nice if I could see you right now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corcor_181
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Wait, if you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt

Do you hit Rock Bottom?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kyle9490
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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If Dwayne Johnson had downstairs neighbors, they would be clueless about just about everything.

You would be too if you lived under a Rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom!

Sorry....πŸ™„

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_aPOKalipto_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Medusa has to be the sexiest woman in history

one look and you are rock hard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/12cheese21
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Why did the whisky divorce the glass?

Their marriage was on the rocks!

(Thank you u/VadJag for encouraging me to post this again!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Stoner joke

If you wish for your genie to turn into a rock, they have to granite!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorbanzoBean69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Metal Music Joke

What do you call a rock band that hates nail clippers?

Nine-Inch Nails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Tree: Hey, Boulder, what do you think I should be when I grow up? Boulder: You would make a wonderful bedroom furniture set.

Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you put a astronauts baby to sleep?

You rock-it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaSnookGuy23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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If you give Dwayne Johnson an athletic slap in the butt

You’re hitting rock bottom

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MusicianNerd26
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Hiking with my dad while growing up in Texas. Every time.

Tapping on a rock one of us is resting on or using to tie a shoelace, "You know, some people take this stuff for granite."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunnysaurus_Rex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
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"Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?" my wife asked.

"You told me to rock her to sleep," I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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If you spank Dwayne Johnson...

You have really hit Rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 286
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrIncorporeal
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die. The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat. The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled β€œTubaChristmas in July,” which had β€œHallelujah” by Pentatonix, β€œCarol of the Bells,” β€œYou’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and β€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have β€œBohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, β€œPaint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, β€œLivin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, β€œDon’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Leo_1110
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rock it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuckeyeBikeNHike
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Did you hear that Nintendo is going to make a Queen-inspired Guitar Hero?

Its going to be called Wii Will Rock You.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dewmangroup
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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A cliffhanger
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PBandJthyme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Help! I need rock jokes!

Seriously, I need rock jokes lol.

I am a children's librarian and I am working on putting together a performance for the summer programming. The theme for our Summer Reading Program is "Libraries Rock." So for my program I am going to need lots of cheesy rock jokes to keep the kids laughing and I thought this would be the absolute best place to get some ideas. Thanks ahead of time - you guys rock ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperSlushE
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass the other day

I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sai1r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad picks up a rock on a beach

Dad: Wow! I have never seen such a beautiful sex stone!

Me (14 years old): What.... what's a sex stone?

Dad: What do you mean, "what's a sex stone?" It's a fuckin' rock!

πŸ‘︎ 590
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flutterbug32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Accidental Jesus dad joke

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and I’m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

β€œHey, that looks like it hurts!”

β€œNaw, it’s not bad, it’s much better now.”

β€œRunning? Skiing? How’d you do it?”

β€œRock climbing.”

β€œRock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?”

β€œYeah, I’m ripped.”

β€œ … ripped? Really?”

β€œYeah, I’m super ripped.”

β€œ … oh. Wow. Not joking.”

β€œYeah, I’m joking. I’m not actually ripped.”

β€œ … ahaha … hah. That was good.”

β€œYep.”

β€œSo, I’m Christian.”

β€œHi, Christian.”

β€œ... and I don’t know if you’ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And I’ve …” etc.

It took me a block to realize that I’d accidentally made a Dad joke.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my friend while in a Skype call

So we're talking and he sends me a link to the profile of a girl he's been talking to.

I look through her pictures to find an overwhelming amount of rock climbing ones.

He asks, "What do you think?"

I reply, "Well, at least she seems down to earth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jcnr319
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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To the band members of "Boat in a Storm"

You rock!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notunclejosh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Classic chain of dadjokes (no puns:

What animal can fly and eats stones? the flying stone eater.

How does an elephant come out of a river? Wet.

How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge? You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door.

How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground? It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it.

What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint.

What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.

What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees? The fridge with the giraffe inside.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees? Elephant snot.

What's wet and has wheels? The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dronelisk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Having been raised without a dad, I never realized there was a void in my life until you all filled it. Thank you! In appreciation, I present the only dad joke I've experienced firsthand.

Friends and I are playing Mario Kart 64. Friends' dad comes in.
"Who wants icecream??"
All of us "Me me I do!"
"What flavors do you want?"
"Cookie dough!"
"Rock Road!"
"Strawberry!"
"Ok, I was just wondering."

πŸ‘︎ 309
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
🚨︎ report
I started training at my new job and dadjoked by coworkers then got dadjoked by my new boss

So as the title said, I started training today for my new job and we had a huge meeting with all of the heads of the business and one of the heads gave everyone rocks that symbolized something or other.

I look at the rock, then at my two coworkers and say "Hey guys, do you wanna get stoned?" They groaned, as was expected, so I continued with, "Come on guys, don't be so rough on me. Making these puns was pretty hard."

My boss comes up and says "I think your puns rock".

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uldyr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
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Why is it called a rocket ship and not a boat?

Because if it was a boat you wouldn't rock it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConstableBrew
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you discipline your pet rock?

you hit rock bottom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mabelloe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If you hit Dwayne Johnson's ass

Does it mean you hit rock bottom

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you punish your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyBroOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
When you slap Dwayne Johnson on the behind

You've really hit rock bottom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
It's true to some point

How do you discipline a rock?

You hit rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IlinPT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you discipline a pet rock?

You hit rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bazster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
🚨︎ report
How do you discipline a pet rock?

You hit rock bottom

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexbeltran43
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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