Today I learned that Geddy Lee from Rush and Les Claypool from Primus are super good friends in real life!
Do you think they've ever gone bass fishing together?
This superhero sheets metal
What do you call a superhero who gets dumped?
Which superhero is the best at cricket
Did you hear about the superhero with a lisp that’s always working out
This is what kept me up at 3AM, just had to make it a real thing.
If bakers had catchphrases like superheroes what would they say?
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
A little real life back and forth that happened with me and my 12 year old
Reposting as I didn’t have enough karma, hopefully I do now 🤞🏻
Just happened in real time and I need to tell my people
My son came downstairs and said: I can’t believe that Michael Bay directed Transformers and a Nightmare on Elm Street!
Me: Have you heard about his uncle?
Son: Who’s his uncle?
Me: Old Bay
Son: 🤦🏼♂️
Which superhero works in a bakery?
Tequila may not save your life,
There’s this WWII story about a real life welder who single handily repaired a US Navy destroyer that was about to sink in the Pacific Ocean.
Just goes to show that truth is solder than fiction.
Have you noticed that cars are less controllable in video games than in real life?
It's because they're on a hard drive.
What superhero is always telling lame jokes?
What do you call a bathroom themed superhero?
Why hasn't any superhero died from covid yet?
Because most of them wear a mask
Today I found out that Albert Einstein was a real person.
And I thought he was a theoretical physicist
Pippin: "I'm Pippin. It's not my real name, it's just a nickname."
Elrond: "What's Pippin short for?"
Gandalf: "He's a Hobbit."
What is a superhero’s favorite instrument?
A mandolin, because they can get it in their type. The Supermandolin, the Batmandolin, the Spidermandolin…
A real life dad joke.
My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.
Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"
I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"
I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."
Vampires aren't real.....
Unless, you Count Dracula.
It carried over into real life, too!
Spiderman retired from the superhero business a couple years ago.
I hear he’s working as a web developer now.
I did it, I finally did it. After 4 years and 92 days I went from being a father, to a dad.
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
You know who is the favorite superhero of the photographers?
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
I like my coffee how I like my slaves
Did you hear about the insect that comes back to life after it dies?
My cactus is a real prick.
I put together my entire life savings to start a bakery but it burned to the ground this morning...
Now my business is toast.
Did you know your tongue can be a superhero?
Just bite it real hard and it will become Thor.
So I got a buddy of mine a new belt for his birthday. He's a real big guy so it wasn't cheap. Cost me $200 and didn't even fit.
Only the real ones will get this.
My son asked me where poo comes from. I decided to be honest with him. After I explained he asked with a slightly terrified and complex look....
I surveyed 100 women on what their favorite shampoo is.
94% of them replied “Get out of my shower!”
Let's be real, two wrongs don't make a right
But three rights make a left
What do fishers' dating life look like?
I just found out Albert Einstein is a real person.
I was told that he was a Theoretical Physicist.
I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person
All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
