Should call it, Kung Flu.
We were talking about our upcoming camping trip this morning:
Mom - I think I have a flashlight lying around somewhere.
Me - But headlamps are really where it's at if you;re camping.
Mom - But then I couldn't drink...
Me - wha...why not?
Mom - 'Cause I'd be a miner.
She had to hang up on me because she was cry-laughing at work.
A Bruised Wayne
My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.
Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.
Any ideas?
...in an ass kicking contest.
Cause you’ll get jur-ass-kicked
Cause you're shredding me!
(Context: I came up with this while I was playing a video game and my team was getting its ass kicked, so this would really be the only kind of scenario one could use this pun in)
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit ➡So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks if he wants a beer. The horse goes "neigh." So the bartender kicks him out for wasting space, and on top of it, horsing around. 30 minutes later, a donkey comes in, orders the most expensive drink and a round for the house. When it comes time to pay the tab, the donkey says, "oh, by the way, you kicked out my husband, a horse, earlier," then walks out without paying. The bartender was upset, but knew he'd serve the occasional horse's ass.
He kicked ass.
You're only looking to get your ass kicked.
Any retail/coffee clerk: how are you today sir?
Dad: Like a fart in a space suit, Like a fire hydrant at a dog parade, Can I get back to you on that?, Like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
There is more I just can't remember them all. So embarrassing.
Me: "I'm gonna kick your ass!"
I attempt a kick to the ass but hit nothing
Me: "Oh my God, you have no ass!"
Dad: "I know, your Mom chewed most of it off!"
My character and his companions are walking around a dwarven ruin when a conversation occurs between two of them that goes something like this:
"You hadn't written me since the day that explosion happened! If you had died in that I would've come and dug up your corpse just to kick your ass."
The NPC in question says "what would you have done if I had been cremated?"
"I would have kicked your ash"
No groans from the other NPCs occurred but mine was certainly audible from my room.
Pissed on the blind man's shoes.
The blind man said, "here rover, here's a piece of beef for you."
His wife said, "Don't reward him. You can't just let that pass."
The blind man said, "I gotta find his mouth, so I can kick him in the ass."
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡Mom (watching American Idol): You sure don't see a whole lot of black cowboys on tv.
Dad: Sure you do, I saw a whole team of them get their asses kicked last sunday.
