Promise This Puns

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

"Me too! I have my fingers crossed!"

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

^story

So I went home for the hollandaise

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...

"I promise to go next year"

Then I turned around and said...

"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"

He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.

Worth it.

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

“Is your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

"Caution – This truck is full of Political Promises"

"Merry Christmas. I hope you get exactly what you deserve."

I promise, this never fails to raise eyebrows, but ultimately it's a nice Christmas wish :)

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that “they were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe. She was very sweet to him. They fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant. You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli. The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again.

However, the young lovers were determined to see each other. Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other. This went on for many years.

Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli. He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR. However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe! He made Melon swear a Royal Oath—an unbreakable promise—to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that.

That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened. She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused.

“I love you, but I swore a Royal Oath. I’m sorry, dear, but I Cantaloupe.”

This older guy came in with his grandson and paid with a $100. As is policy, I had to use the marker to make sure it was real and look for the line. I asked someone to get me a marker, and the grandpa says, "I promise it's good, made it last night!"

It's nice when people have a sense of humor.

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.

After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,

"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"

Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.

I picked up my son for the weekend and we get back to my house. I had hung up a few of his pictures on the fridge so naturally he asked about it.

Dad: Who is that on the fridge?

Son: Me!

Dad: Hmm... that's not me. That's Jason!

Son: No that's me!

Dad: I promise you that's not me. I'm pretty sure that's Jason...

This proceeds to go on for several more minutes until he groans and walks away.

Dad: 1 Me: 0

Had to sign a ton of papers. The lady that was running the closing hands me something about how I promise to put the water bill in my name and says "this is the water addendum"

I respond, "Really? looks like a paper addendum to me!"

No one laughed.

I was upstairs talking to my dad when my little sister came in. My dad had promised that we could have Coke Floats today. (For the uninitiated, a Coke Float is when you get a few scoops of vanilla ice cream, put it in a glass, and pour Coca Cola on it.) So my little sister remembers about the Coke Float thing and starts jumping up and down going, "Coke Floats! Coke Floats! Coke Floats!" My dad just stands there with this really confused look on his face and quietly says, "...I thought Coke sank?"

My friend was just about done gambling and he said this.

Friend: well I guess I'm done. Dealer: alright I can color you up if you want. friend gives the dealer his chips Friend: I'm going to need what Obama promised us Americans? Dealer: what? Friend:"change" Dealer:....

Our other friend started laughing too hard and had to leave the area.