A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.
The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.
He approaches the panda regardless and asks, “What can I get you?”
The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.
The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.
The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.
But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.
The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, “Why?”
The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.
The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…
“Panda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”
Was trying to figure out how to use her new iPhone to shoot photos at night using night mode. She gave me the phone and said, here figure this out. I took the phone and pushed one button, and voila, night mode. She looks at me at this point and says, how did you know that would work? My reply...
I don’t know, I was just taking a shot in the dark.
Mic drop.
It’s the herd shot round the world. I think it will be an udder disappointment. When they land we will all have ground beef.
- dad shooting from the 3 point line 💁🏻♂️
A panda goes into a restaurant and orders some bamboo for dinner. After he is done he asks the waiter for the bill.
As the waiter approaches he pulls out a semi-automatic and starts opening fire.
The scared and confused waiter asks him why is he doing all this.
The Panda just hands him a dictionary with a bookmark pointing to panda.
Panda: Eats shoots and leaves
So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.
So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.
After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.
Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.
"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"
I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.
At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."
I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.
Had a couple noteworthy ones from my dad in the last few days.
First: I'm carrying a couple of books around, one of which happens to be Atlas Shrugged. My dad sees and asks me, "What are you reading Ayn Walk?" I shoot him a quizzical look and an "Uhh... Wut?" He explains, "Well it's not Ayn Ran(d), it's Ayn Walk!" /facepalm
Then today we happened to pass by a sign for the town of Bruce, WA (whose name my dad shares) which showed the direction and how far away it is. I point it out to my dad saying, "Look, Bruce, 4 miles that way!" Dad replies, "Ah yes that's good but they got it wrong, it should say Bruce 4 miles this way!"
