My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.

I said, β€œNo, only for the next couple of hours.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 32k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....

Too much sax and violins.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

Too much sax and violins.

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing goes wrong on my watch
πŸ‘︎ 246
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nashyj495
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my watch at a party on Saturday...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_NotSlimShady
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I took a single Cheerio from my son’s bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said β€œWatch out...”

β€œ...cereal killer.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom told me not to watch anything on the tv

So I watched next to the tv

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobanab
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface

It was his own asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourYam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
You can now watch the World Origami Championship on tv since all these other sports are being cancelled.

It’s on paper view.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread

D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raoul24601
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The best time on an analogue watch is 6:30

Hands down

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Sean Connery watch Two and a Half Men on mute?

Because Charlie should be sheen and not heard.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HallLAD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on DVD, but I declined.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Not on my watch!
πŸ‘︎ 307
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My TV was placed on suicide watch.

Apparently, it tried to off itself.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rvvl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
As the newest medic on my shift, my boss told me it was my responsibility to watch the office.

I’m currently on season 6, and still have no idea what this has to do with being a medic.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Not on my watch
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Serendipityaey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.

Now it's my time to shine.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamantTheAdamant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to pick a bigger New year's resolution than "watch more sports on TV".

Unfortunately, our TV only does 1080p 60fps.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Name_O
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Not on his watch.
πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/norviiiin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife recently asked if I wanted to watch the biodrama on the history of tampons,

I said sure, I love period pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zardif
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I've started wearing a watch on my back.

People look at me funny, but I know I'm actually ahead of my time.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Not on my watch!
πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mangobus45
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My brother and I inherited a watch from my grandfather, which we take turns wearing on special occasions.

It's a time share.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
On the way to an important meeting and my watch stopped working

I've got no time for this

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone sent me a video on WhatsApp saying, "I bet you can't watch this for more than 10 seconds!"

He was absolutely right. The video was only 5 seconds long.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked why I put a watch on the bed before going to sleep.

I told her I wanted to wake up on time

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingcarpet23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2016
🚨︎ report
I decided not to put my watch on today before going out.

I wanted to have a timeless look.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend let me watch some British singer on his laptop.

He said it was a Dell.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yaboi79
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Watch "Word Play Hotel - Foil Arms and Hog" on YouTube youtu.be/q8vzTo70izI
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hpar1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/krazykate13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I was fiddling with my watch in bed today and it came off and fell on my face

It clocked me pretty good

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The announcement said to keep a close watch on my bag...
πŸ‘︎ 327
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Checkmate_____
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I WAS on top of the laundry. Then my wife had to ruin everything and tell me to fold it like I promised and stop lying on it while I watch TV.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Not on my watch
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jipziermans-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried to watch The Flash on Netflix the other day

I just couldn't keep up.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattGibsonBass
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, β€œNo one does that to a woman...

not on my watch”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.

I said, β€œNo. I have Stranger Things to watch.”

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me whether I want to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.

I told her no. I had Stranger Things to watch.

πŸ‘︎ 315
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing this girl.

I walked up to the guy, punched him right in the face.

No one does that to a girl...... not on my watch.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hubmeme
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Knif3likepro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I wanted to watch the world championship of origami on tv

but it was only on paper view

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepyBlueCat
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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