My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, βNo, only for the next couple of hours.β
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
π︎ 32k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Why shouldn't you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
π︎ 137
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
Nothing goes wrong on my watch
π︎ 246
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
I lost my watch at a party on Saturday...
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Today I took a single Cheerio from my sonβs bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said βWatch out...β
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
My mom told me not to watch anything on the tv
So I watched next to the tv
π︎ 25
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "Nah, that's a door"
π︎ 41
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
You can now watch the World Origami Championship on tv since all these other sports are being cancelled.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Julie Andrewsβ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread
Dβoh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
The best time on an analogue watch is 6:30
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Why does Sean Connery watch Two and a Half Men on mute?
Because Charlie should be sheen and not heard.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jul 08 2020
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on DVD, but I declined.
I had Stranger Things to watch.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
Not on my watch!
π︎ 307
π
︎ Mar 01 2019
My TV was placed on suicide watch.
Apparently, it tried to off itself.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
As the newest medic on my shift, my boss told me it was my responsibility to watch the office.
Iβm currently on season 6, and still have no idea what this has to do with being a medic.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
Not on my watch
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 03 2018
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
My wife told me to pick a bigger New year's resolution than "watch more sports on TV".
Unfortunately, our TV only does 1080p 60fps.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
Not on his watch.
π︎ 77
π
︎ Jun 24 2019
My wife recently asked if I wanted to watch the biodrama on the history of tampons,
I said sure, I love period pieces.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 13 2019
I've started wearing a watch on my back.
People look at me funny, but I know I'm actually ahead of my time.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 07 2019
Not on my watch!
π︎ 95
π
︎ Apr 09 2018
My brother and I inherited a watch from my grandfather, which we take turns wearing on special occasions.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 23 2019
On the way to an important meeting and my watch stopped working
I've got no time for this
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 29 2019
Someone sent me a video on WhatsApp saying, "I bet you can't watch this for more than 10 seconds!"
He was absolutely right. The video was only 5 seconds long.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 12 2019
My girlfriend asked why I put a watch on the bed before going to sleep.
I told her I wanted to wake up on time
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 09 2016
I decided not to put my watch on today before going out.
I wanted to have a timeless look.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 01 2019
My friend let me watch some British singer on his laptop.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 17 2019
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 15 2018
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 04 2019
I was fiddling with my watch in bed today and it came off and fell on my face
It clocked me pretty good
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 26 2019
The announcement said to keep a close watch on my bag...
π︎ 327
π
︎ Aug 18 2017
I WAS on top of the laundry. Then my wife had to ruin everything and tell me to fold it like I promised and stop lying on it while I watch TV.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 10 2019
Not on my watch
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 18 2018
I tried to watch The Flash on Netflix the other day
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 01 2019
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, βNo one does that to a woman...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, βNo. I have Stranger Things to watch.β
π︎ 65
π
︎ Mar 01 2019
My wife asked me whether I want to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I told her no. I had Stranger Things to watch.
π︎ 315
π
︎ Sep 17 2018
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing this girl.
I walked up to the guy, punched him right in the face.
No one does that to a girl...... not on my watch.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 31 2019
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 28 2018
I wanted to watch the world championship of origami on tv
but it was only on paper view
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 17 2019
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 25 2019
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