Since my cat is getting old, I'm gonna start calling him by a new name

GrandPAW

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittycaviar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Here's one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?

PURRR-jamas!

She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chimchalm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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Courtesy of my 8 year old, "What did the cat say to the dog?"

"Check Meowt"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dysms
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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My nine year old's cat just gave birth to a huge litter! I asked her which she likes best...

She replied, "I love the whole kitten caboodle!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...

Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5d2248650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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A three legged cat walks into an old Western bar and says

I'm looking for the man who shot my pa'

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Thought you all would appreciate this. I have a 19yo old Cat name Scout.

I was playing a game with a friend on my PC and she started to get tangled in my cords underneath. I stopped and got her out and explained to my friend how she is going blind. And replies back with "so you mean to tell me she is no longer a scout?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chumbawamba56
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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When women get old they start collecting cats

This is the dreaded Many Paws stage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcbrnld
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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Hi! I'm a 35-year-old woman. I live alone and have 22 cats...

...and I'm a severe catholic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Forever_a_fuckup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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Your 50 year old aunt just got herself a couple of cats.

I guess it's the onset of many paws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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Our cat is 15 years old, so he's got a lot of health issues.

Me: "Can you take a look at Jeffrey's eye? I think he has cataracts."

Dad: "Of course he does. Would you expect him to have dogaracts?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2015
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A sensible pun

I was sitting on a bench cuddling a cat after the end of school. Suddenly, an old man with sunglasses encountered me and made a pun.

Here's the conversation:

  • When will the Japanese say "GΓΌnaydΔ±n"? (means good morning in Turkish)
  • Dunno when?
  • When they learn Turkish...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Solilupus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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You can always count on my dad to respond to everything with a dad joke.

So my mom has a phobia of mice and she found one in my old room (I’m away at college). My dad said he would β€œtake care of it”, which he did, but then the cat killed another one and so she’s upset and was texting my dad things like β€œI can’t live here knowing there’s mice, it’s been nice knowing you.” And my dad’s first response was β€œyou saying it’s been mice knowing me?” Such a classic dad move, I laughed so hard even though I probably shouldn’t have.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dixiecup3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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Favorite punny Halloween costume ideas?

Mine is probably the Ceiling Fan. "GO CEILINGS!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpeakerftDead
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2012
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What does this spell?

I'm in the car with my 6yr old daughter and she starts asking me "What does this spell, d-o-g?" I answer, "dog". She congratulates me and asks again. "What does this spell? c-a-t" I say "cat". Again, she congratulates me and I asked her "Ok, what does this spell? I-d-o-n-t-k-n-o-w" She is dumbfounded, but you can see her trying. Shes asks a couple of times for me to repeat the letters. She then finally concedes and sadly says "I don't know." I let out a huge, "THAT'S RIGHT! GOOD JOB!" She started laughing and let out a sympathetic "oh daddy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1dolla2dolla
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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I think I did my best ever dad joke last night...

My three year old daughter commented that our cat, Missy, is older than her at seven years old. My wife stated that Missy will be eight this Christmas. I said "only if we can't afford a turkey".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hazmog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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I may be in my 20s and single but today I cracked a pretty good dad joke

Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem.

A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that.

I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Look at this," I reply, showing him the traps. "After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this! He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap!" Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter.

"That's...disturbing," he replies, "why'd you bait it with peanut butter though? Wouldn't fruit be better?"

"Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for."

β€”β€”β€”

Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up.

Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth_henning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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My wife is gonna make a great dad someday.

So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house.

He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy.

In doing so he just clipped my wife's ahem nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay.

She looked me straight in the eye and said "Yeah, it's just a little nip." I couldn't be more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alfrohawk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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Cracked myself up earlier...wife just groaned.

2 year old wanted to pretend my wife was a doctor and he and I were her patients. Aside from my waggling my eyebrows and telling her I'd play doctor with her later, while we were laying on the ground, our cat came up and started sniffing me.

I told my wife that I didn't consent to the CAT scan.

Now she needs a doctor after her eyes rolled out of her head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lereas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2016
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I ran over a kitten on the drive home...

Really nailed it, poor thing went flying. My seven year old son says from the passenger seat, "Dad, that was.... CATastrophic."

Felt bad for the cat, but pretty damn proud of my son.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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My friends daughter is now a dad...

As related to me by my friend:

When we're leaving to take her to school-

Daughter: I brought one of the cats with me.

Me: Oh yeah?

Daughter: Yeah. There is one my bookbag.

Me: You should probably get them out of there. They can't like that.

Daughter: Then the cat would be out of the bag. Haha

My daughter- the only 6 year old female "dad"

Edited to fix some grammar/capitalization

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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Once upon a time there was a woman

Her name was Ninety and she had three kids. One day, the kids found a stray cat in their backyard and they decided to take care of it. However, they knew that their mother would disapprove, so in order to keep it a secret, they used "This" when referring to the cat. Eventually, the cat died of old age and the kids moved on with their lives. Therefore, only Ninety's kids will remember This.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomatomater
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
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Got my friends this past weekend

A couple we're friendly with have a really cute 3-year-old girl who loves to play with the small animals in the backyard (mostly toads). Recently the girl found a bird a little later than their pet cat did, and didn't realize the bird was dead. Her mom, being a bit strange and not wanting to explain death to her daughter quite yet, puts on a pair of yard gloves and -- when the daughter wasn't looking -- sticks the dead bird up in a tree. Tells her daughter, "look, he's napping in the tree."

At this point in the story I chime in, "Weekend at Birdie's!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_delete
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2016
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Cat got its tail stuck under the door...

My dad told me this one this morning: >An old lady's cat got its tail stuck under a door, and it ended up losing it. So she quickly brought the cat to Wal-Mart. Because it's the largest re-tail-er

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bocovom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2015
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Why are cats afraid of water?

Because they’re scaredy-cats! (My 5 yr old daughter made this joke up)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicfort
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My first dad joke (cat and dog related)

Our 3yr old cat has been a little weary of our new 14 week old husky puppy, since we brought him home. So I've told the cat I've had her back and wouldn't let the puppy hurt her.

Husky was up close in her face yapping at the cat, she swatted and was yelling back. So I pulled him away and comforted the cat with "I told you I had your back, just don't cry wolf now..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dano17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2016
🚨︎ report

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