True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
I worked security at a chemical plant. There had been a string of robberies at nearby chemical plants, and one night... lo and behold- we heard the alarm...
My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie
It scared my wife pretty bad.
I assured her he’s all right.
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
The Carbon Monoxide detector went of last night,
Can't say I remember why though.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.
Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
What did the director of the stage production of Cinderella say, after the lead called out sick before opening night?
Get the understudy, the shoe, must go on!
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...
it was an ironclad alibi!
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
I was cutting down some trees in the middle of the night and I couldn’t see anything...
But I heard my chainsaw some stuff
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
or
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
This is the Rythm of the night!! The night!!! Oh yeah!!!
Last night I told a girl " By the end of the night, I'm gonna get in your pants."
Long story short, they didn't fit.
I was going to spend Friday night studying stinging polyps that spend major part of their lifetime attached to rocks at the bottom of the sea, but a couple pals wanted me to go bar hopping...
With friends like that, who needs anemones?
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
I heard that one of the letters of the alphabet ran away last night.
"But why?"
He's fine, I on the other hand...
I'm a big fan of the one night stand
Two just make my bedroom look cluttered
I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered all my blankets were missing.
What’s the best kind of booze if you want to dance all night long?
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
If Game of Thrones was written by M. Night Shyamalan, what would he have called the White Walkers?
What do you call a lady of the night with a flatulence problem?
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up...
...but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of "night" was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
I regret quitting my job at the factory that made night wear for felines. I thought I was allergic to to some of the material we were working with.
But it turns out it wasn’t the cat’s pyjamas
I saw a quintet of starfish at the bar last night.
Pretty good band, five stars.
Last night I asked my dog what we should call the top of our house
He just looked at me like he had no clue what I said.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
The wise men come to the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus in the night, rapping on the door of their Bethlehem cottage suddenly. Mary yelps, answers the door, and says, relieved:
"You scared the bajeezus out of me!"
Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.
Another day, another Dawn.
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
Last night I dreamed I wrote “Lord of the Rings”.
I was Tolkien in my sleep
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