My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zayan-ali
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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First post here, forgive me
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vulgar_Anecdotes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
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MODS please remove this post if it doesn't belong on this sub
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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dont know if its already been posted but pls this is gold
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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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Don't know if this was posted here before
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πŸ‘€︎ u/choclite69
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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When visiting France, one has to go to the structure that allows sufficient observation to discover more than enough to be satisfied.

Oui, a visit to the Eyeful Tower is always recommended when vacationing in France.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I like to shit post every once and awhile.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grootvriend
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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This is my first post
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πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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I was on a roll with this post.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salmonella-fella
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2021
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originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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I got banned from /r/DadJokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke

I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2021
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Shit Posting
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ja_Baby
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.

Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.

If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.

Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???

Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.

Thank you,

A Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Von_Bostaph
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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I hate it .when people post lyrics from songs.

But, I will survive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
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I was gonna post a long pants joke

But all I have are shorts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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I meant to cross post it but I don’t know why I cannot cross post so here is the screenshot version
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idk2214
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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He needs grounded
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AthanasiaStygian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post

And he responded β€œoh so there’s reddiquette to it then”

(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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This post is locked. Pls refrain from commenting.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NibblerNibNib
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
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What was a very common name in the middle ages?

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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Today is the day I can post it
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ogkerung
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Orange you glad about this post
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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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On an r/pics post about Russia’s 9/11 memorial
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πŸ‘€︎ u/propervernacular
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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My robot will be called Epsilon Alpha, E.A for short

Pay $5.99 to see more

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πŸ‘€︎ u/computer-genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?

'Eye-do'

This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.

The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!

Cred once again my sis wants credit lol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tieyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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Which hospital ward is observed the most?

The ICU

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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This may not be the place to post this but I’m heartbroken that my girl broke up with me due to her hallucinations.

We’d be the only people in a room and she’d tell me that she’s seeing somebody else.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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I think this may have been posted already, but this is gold
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bfreeman0
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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Y’all keep posting these silly dad jokes…

But it’s a parent that nobody likes them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dusk118
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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New father here.

Our newborn was sleeping on my chest yesterday. She woke up crying. "Woke up on the wrong side of the dad huh?" I said. She stopped crying.... Felt good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuzzzyLogic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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What do you call a girl between two posts?

Annette

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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First post here. Go easy guys.

Son: Hey day, you wanna go for a run?

Me: Nah, my Keen hurts.

Son: You mean your knee?

Me: Yeah, my Knee got dislocated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameherchhas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...

...then we'll be C6.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.

But Patrick is the star.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2021
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I got dishonourably discharged from the Navy yesterday for accidentally boarding a different vessel.

Oops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos

She just really needed a shoulder to crayon

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevor557
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)

Teacher: β€œSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: β€œNow I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: β€œOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, β€œnow see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I would choose Speed post ..
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
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What do you call it when I, someone who has not kids yet, posts on this subreddit?

A faux pa!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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A literally shit post XD
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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My posts were removed.

Someone took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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How do you get up votes on reddit?

Piece of cake

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RpgNick
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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Nice one, Cliff
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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