We've got pun dog...and now pun cat. You've cat to be kitten me right meow!
Top of my fridge is now pun central.
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
Coronavirus is now all over the world
But China got it right off the bat.
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
Polar bears have been introduced in the Antarctic. What are these polar bears now called?
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.
Now that's what I call a Screamplay!
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
From my 7 yr just now: Dad, last night I dreamed I was swimming in orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.
Iamonthemoonandthereisnoplacetogetabeer.
Youmightsaythereisnospacebar.
So it's 2021 now, then 2022, and then 2023.
I guess the vision for the future is getting worse.
Which dinosaur survived extinction and is now found in farmer's fields?
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet
Space X has really taken off this past year
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
2020 now has an official song...
“Don’t stand so close to me!” by The Police
Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
What's happening in Washington right now needs a name
I propose we call it the "Chicken Coup"
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
Now that it’s 2021...
I guess hindsight really is 2020.
I want to bake all my bread from now on.
You can say is a loaf-ty goal.
Twitter has gone too far! Now they're banning Mario for threatening the President.
Evidently he found out that Trump was in Peach twice.
Thankfully, hindsight is now empirically 2020
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, “Where would you find the time?”
I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just can’t afford granite right now.
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
So the wife told me I that should know by now she's never wrong.
Is that Korean? High Never Wrong, you should know by now I'm Chris!
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent
My kid would've been in college by now.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1.50?
My dad got a gender reassignment and now I never see him
The 21st century is now old enough to drink.
And you thought the sober years were bad
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?
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