Nautical Nonsense

Was at my friends cabin helping him ready the boat to go out on the lake. Friend: "Looks like we're in good shape" Me: "Yeah, ship shape"

He was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/petersk8008
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2014
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Udder nonsense
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πŸ‘€︎ u/t-readyroc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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I can't listen to you vegan nonsense right now. ipfs.pics/QmXM2puFnmBTroH…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dachewie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2015
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My 10yo cousin made herself a birthday card with her age on it, using glue and glitter. I told her there was no way I'm having that nonsense in my house.

I'm glue-ten intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/katubug
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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Why do cows never play chess?

Because they can’t make any mooooooooove

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oraefaibohp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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According to my chocolate advent calendar...

....there's only 3 days left till Xmas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Told an Irish guy, "My friend is anemic."

"Nonsense," he replied. "I don't know anyone that's a knee."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Sphere jokes.

I recently came up with a joke about spheres, but decided to discard it since it was missing a point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Kureto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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A friend told me the Russians are best at racing.

I knew that was nonsense. People from Finland always Finnish first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manggg1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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What does the black panther say when he is confused

Wakanda nonsense is this

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GDWa1rus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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why can't cows wear flip-flops?

because they lactose

(they lack toes. because they have hooves) (get it??)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagemayor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2016
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doctor 1: this sailor broke his nose from crashing onto land.

doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.

doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.

doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/liltrigger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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"Anything these days," I told my son.

He frowned a little.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked.

There was a pause.

"Anything these days," I continued.

At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!"

There was a silence.

"This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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I have a recurring dream that I lose the ability to taste, see, smell, hear and feel.

My wife says it's nonsense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepixelcat2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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My mom pulled the best dad joke I've ever heard at a Chinese restaurant the other day

Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking "where is the duck sauce?" To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, "probably next to the quackers". I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard. Love you mom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deal_The_Man
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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My son got me

He's 5 and has been learning humor. Most of his jokes make no sense like this:

Knock Knock! Who's there? Hair. Hair who? Hair on my head!

AHAHHAHAHA!

However, the other day he was watching Backyardigans while I was on the computer. I wasn't watching the show and he walks in to my office. He asks "Why did the chicken cross the playground?" I readied myself for a nonsense joke...."To get to the other slide!"

I have never laughed that hard at one if his jokes. ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTigerFan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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I've been working on a wireless pancake maker.

I'm having battery issues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/photoast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2017
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What words would you expect to hear coming from the tit of a cow?

Udder nonsense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krocsyldiphithic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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I phoned up my boss. I said, "I won't be coming in today. I'm really very ill."

"Nonsense!" he replied. "What is your reason?"

"It's this rare illness," I told him. "Very rare."

"Well, what is it?" he insisted.

I said, "I get sick whenever someone answers the phone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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I misplaced a very small tool

Today my wife and I decided to go to the store when she got home from work for stir-fry supplies. I hadn't gone anywhere all day, so I had to grab my shoes and socks. I guess I'd misplaced one of my tiny screwdrivers from my toolbag and it had ended up inside a shoe. It plopped out into my palm when I tried to shake out the shoe, which prompted me to turn to my wife and exclaim, "Phew! That was a close call! I almost really screwed up my foot!" She gave me a look that said 'I am way too tired to deal with this nonsense'. Stir-fry was fantastic, though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrtorbear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
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Made a motivational dad joke

Recently I took a very spontaneous last minute trip across the country. It really cleared my head from all the nonsense in my life right now. A friend of mine got inspired by that and said fuck it, I'm going somewhere random too (he ended up deciding Zion Park in Utah). He texted me that he was getting anxious about it and was about to back out, so I replied "You can't back out now, you said you want to do something crazy so do it. Utah-k the talk, now you gotta walk the walk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvl100Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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I've had whiskey dick when I drink too much. But recently I got painkillers after a visit to the dentist...

and I got poppycock. What nonsense is that!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2014
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Dad took one look at Jamie's 30 Minute Meals cookbook

"What a load of nonsense. There's at least 50 in here and they're all quite big."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GirlGargoyle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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2 JalepeΓ±os

A baby jalepeΓ±o and his papa jalepeΓ±o were walking down the street.

The baby says "Daddy, I'm freezing!"

"Nonsense son," says the papa jalepeΓ±o. "You're just a little chili."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/what_up_im_topher
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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Dad joked my wife last night regarding a package

I opened up the front door to check if a package had been delivered and walked away disappointed, "Darnit! I was expecting my deoderant to arrive."

Wife, in the most "whatever" tone she could muster: "Oh no! What are you going to do?"

Me: "I'm going to throw my hands in the air and say, 'This stinks!'"

Edit: Fixed phone keyboard nonsense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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A russian, a brit, and a mexican enter a one-liner pickup contest to win over the heart of a super hot covergirl...

...with the caveat that they have to use the words "liver" and "cheese" in their pickup line.

The Russian walks up to her and proudly recites: "My liver aches for you like it does for vodka, and my heart is incomplete like gruyere cheese". Crickets. The girl is a bit confused but is impressed with the guy's large biceps and full beard.

The Brit walks over to her and stammers: "I will tease your fancy with a sliver of cheese and liver". Nonsensical, but his accent did the trick. The girl blushes slightly.

The Mexican guy sees his opportunity and loudly yells: "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xandros91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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The first of what I'm sure are to be many front-page worthy posts... Such are the jokes of my dad.

Ok so my Dad was helping me move into my new uni accommodation last month and in the process we had to carry a lot of heavy boxes up my rather steep stairs.

Understandably, being a man in his 50's, he was a little bit worn out after lugging several metre-by-metre crates up to my room, generally full of heavy electrical equipment and books. After letting out a deep sigh he exhaled - 'Crikey, this is like the Great Stairs Crisis of 1965!'.

To my knowledge, or indeed to anyone else's knowledge (including my dad's), so such crisis ever occurred. I just hope he didn't hear my housemate sniggering in his room downstairs*; he does love a good dad joke.

*Ironically I've noticed that laughing at Dad jokes tends to make said Dad more depressed than when you don't, since they're usually fully aware of how bad their joke is and laughing at it only serves to remind them of the fact that people are actually paying attention to the regrettable nonsense which often leaves their mouths.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PantuTheDog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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