No Kidding! Puns

Are you a faux pa?

German kids are always Kinder.

No need to remind her every half hour.

“No! Wait, I am kidding you. I’m a kid!”

I love this kid.

You could call this a faux pas. Shoots finger guns

I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.

My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.

I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”

... how old my kids are.

This is going to be a missed opportunity as their next birthday is creeping up fast (this coming July obviously).

Their ages? 7 and 11. 😔

I just want to be able to say 7-11.

My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens

Me: no they are the family juuls

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
17. Always go straight home after work or school
18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.

https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx

She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."

"That's what I said. Pea!'

ಠಿ_ಠ

I’ve definitely seen some change in him.

Thunderpants!

My fiancee and I just found out there is asbestos in our apartment. My mom texted me and asked how I was doing after she found out. I texted back "were doing asbestos we can."

drops mic exits stage left

Edit: corrected spelling of fiancee because I am a heterosexual male.

Edit: holy shit this thread is spreading like cancer.

Childless Gambino

It should have been called takeout instead.

After 6 months, she woke up and asked the doctor about her kids, the doctor said "you had twins and they're both fine". She then asked who names them. The doctor said her brother then the woman started going "No, no, no, no, no, no." The doctor asked what's wrong. The woman said "my brother's an idiot! What'd he name them?" The doctor said "he named the girl Denise. The woman said "oh, that's not bad, what'd he name the boy?" The doctor said "Denephew."

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...

I responded: "yeah that was a while ago, he's Adult Rock now"

I told him, “That’s pointless.”

The conversation went like this.

Dad: C'est la vie.

Kid: La vie.

Dad: No, "C'est la vie."

Kid: I did.

Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.

We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.

One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:

"Sam?"

To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."

Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.

They’d be on it all day long if I left them to their own devices.

Dad: That’s unfortunate

Her friend: I-1

My kid: No, you didn't.

(This just happened)

An Heir-ball

It says "MESSI" on the back.

'Why not?'

'Because they're not dead yet'

Driving back from a cub scout hike with my kid, who's in the front seat for the first time and wanting really bad to be my wookie co-pilot.

Me: hey, it's more like you're my astromech.

Kid: no I'm not!

Me: R2!?!!

A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping

I said, "no kidding?!"

My wife just now, relaxing after we got the kids to sleep: Do we have any toast?

Me: No, but we have bread!

Wife: 😐 *silence*

Me: I'll just see myself out. *laughing all the way to the pantry*

A Faux Pa

German kids are always Kinder

German kids will always be kinder

German children are kinder!

I’m a faux pa

I'm a faux pa.

I'm a faux pa.

German children are kinder.

No dad , am a kid tell a kid joke