A gummy bear.
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
...theyβll never fit me.β
Are you a faux pa?
German kids are always Kinder.
I said, βNo, I think most kids smell that way.β
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" π).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
No need to remind her every half hour.
This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.
I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.
As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.
I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.
Enjoy
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
You could call this a faux pas. Shoots finger guns
I remembered a good Dad joke moment.
My wife and I had picked up our daughter and two of her friends. They were in the back of our minivan.
My wife inquired about one of the kids mothers that she was friends with since we hadn't seen them in a while. They moved because of work to another town.
I guess the job was going well and they were making a good deal of money. The kid said, "She doing good, but she's spending a lot of money. She remodeled the kitchen and bought 4K TVs."
They kept chatting lightly and when there was a lull in conversation, I quietly said, "That's a lot of TVs." Just loud enough for everyone to hear but not loud enough to really demand anyone listen.
But then it happened. An uncomfortable pause - the fabled pregnant pause - and they started talking again. No one said anything about it but I knew it landed.
After we dropped the kids off, the first thing my daughter said, "That was SO bad. "
This was at LEAST 10 minutes after I said it. She had been thinking about that joke the whole time. She said the other kids were like looking around like WTF?
... how old my kids are.
This is going to be a missed opportunity as their next birthday is creeping up fast (this coming July obviously).
Their ages? 7 and 11. π
I just want to be able to say 7-11.
My fiancee and I just found out there is asbestos in our apartment. My mom texted me and asked how I was doing after she found out. I texted back "were doing asbestos we can."
drops mic exits stage left
Edit: corrected spelling of fiancee because I am a heterosexual male.
Edit: holy shit this thread is spreading like cancer.
https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx
She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."
"That's what I said. Pea!'
ΰ² ΰ²Ώ_ΰ²
Iβve definitely seen some change in him.
Childless Gambino
βNo! Wait, I am kidding you. Iβm a kid!β
I love this kid.
I responded: "yeah that was a while ago, he's Adult Rock now"
Thunderpants!
He was just a little cock-eyed
Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.
We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.
One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:
"Sam?"
To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."
Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.
I told him, βThatβs pointless.β
It should have been called takeout instead.
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt Iβd share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says βoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaidβ as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said βI donβt think it needs a bandaid, he looks like heβs going to bounce backβ
Theyβd be on it all day long if I left them to their own devices.
Dad: Thatβs unfortunate
1st kid: "Do you also pray before every meal?"
2nd kid: "NO, my mum knows how to cook. "
An Heir-ball
It says "MESSI" on the back.
'Why not?'
'Because they're not dead yet'
A Faux Pa
German kids are always Kinder
German kids will always be kinder
German children are kinder!
Iβm a faux pa
I'm a faux pa.
German children are kinder.
